LDR and punishments (38)

That being said, it is totally different when one is in a real relationship (ie LTR and "together") as it sounds like you are. It isn't so easy then to say, shape up or ship out, because the connection is much deeper than D/s.

We use the CB3000. It was really good, but you need to be a bit careful of the rings with teeth. Over the long term as they can errr...wear a hole through the skin. (note, liz says she isn't sure if the 6000 has the teeth rings or not). But it took her a bit of getting used to, and she puts a bit of cottonwool or clingfilm around and found that helps. S/she still will ask to take it off in the night sometimes and shows the marks. Just so you don't think yours is totally taking the mickey if he complains. It could be true. LOL

Good : sounds like the control is sorted. Hope this works out well for your situation.

T.

"The sunshine in your heart: more important than the sunshine on your skin."

You ignore the brat by removing play, removing fun interaction, imposing tedium instead (think corner time). You're then looking for compliance and will reward anything which you like. It's a sub which will stand in a corner, not a brat. So if you tell a brat to stand in the corner and the person does, it's a sub which is standing there. Rewards are now due.

A brat gets forfeits not punishments, as the word "punishment" gets confused in bdsm-speak with nice stuff too. The forfeits are the tasks through which you tell if you're getting a sub back. The tasks would not be used in play (as they're so tedious) so again there's a separation between play, play-punishment and forfeit. Reward good behaviour/performance within the forfeit process to bring back the sub and push away the brat. Ensure the task is simple to do as it's not a skill test but one of compliance.

You have to put in place a strong association with a behaviour type you don't tolerate and what will happen should it ever occur again. An example is rubbing a dog's nose in its own faeces when it fouls inappropriately. A strong association of forfeit with behaviour not tolerated.

In LDR you'll need to build boundaries around your play with tedious forfeits which can be applied immediately and verified easily. You can say/text/email "this is a forfeit for xyz" so it is clear what and why it is happening. Text and email are the LDR equivalent of being in the room and speaking; while being on the 'phone, speaking with someone in person is the LDR equivalent of hugs. So text a forfeit through to a brat and 'phone up the sub who complied and completed it.

For forfeits use technology. Google Docs is one example of shared, private documents in the cloud (online). So, writing into a shared, private online document is verifiable and immediate. Can be done from anywhere at anytime. Set a writing task and due time. Either it's done or it's not. You've a sub back or still got a brat.

"Fork handles?" "No, not 'fork handles' ... four candles."

I can't help but wonder if I'm so strange for having such a structure, though. Do other Dom/mes just punish adhoc, whenever they believe their Sub needs it? Or do they have a defined procedure that says "If you cross this line, then X will happen..."?

I find that my Sub, J, thrives on a a structure and regime, a bit like a schoolchild benefits from a regular and consistent timetable. So, I've determined that to encourage good behaviour, I'll reward him when he displays behaviour that pleases me, and will encourage visits and what we're now calling a monthly "Play Day" - a guaranteed day per month where we spend all the time in play. However, bad behaviour will result in lines, or an essay or a forfeit of something he had planned to do. Failure to perform this punishment/forfeit will result in a 'Black Mark' - 5 of these a month results in the removal of the planned Play Day ....

There are more details but I fear boring everyone to tears. Your honest thoughts on this though would be much appreciated.

Well done! You have to appreciate people can be very different from one another, and what would bore one to tears might be endless pleasure for another, so you are not so strange, and structures often do work wonderfully well for some folk - they know where they are, they can anticipate, they can work out consequences, and they have a firm structure to rely on, to know they are constrained and retained by, which can be immensely comforting.

With the CB, btw, make sure you spend time and effort getting the right size rear ring, and making sure the spacing is the right distance (not sure if they still use the different thickness spacing rings) - it takes time and some effort, but getting it right makes a huge difference to comfort and therefore to long term or regular wear / acceptance.

'To Oblivion, and beyond!'

Oh I will. I couldn't bear the idea of him feeling forced to wear something that wasn't comfortable or that caused him pain. This issue (as I've read seems to be prevalent) is my highest priority. Nothing but the best level of attention for my Sub.

S

Edited 19 Apr 10, 4:30 PM by Sutleress