This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 9 Feb 10, 6:24 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs   |
I agree entirely. I'm genuinely blown away and deeply grateful. Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | |
| 9 Feb 10, 6:32 PM BadWulf UK(TA), 6 yrs |
The is one other thing worth considering and it is a subtle one. I dont even mean to infer that it is relevent specifically to you here but certainly worth looking out for. When you have "rescued" somebody from a previously abusive relationship, It can come about that as they start to get their act together they need you to change your role also, . They don't need to lean on you so much for support and at this point it can be hard for you to move on to a new phase in the relationship with them. To stop judging what went before and to start focusing on, enjoying and growing what you have now. Defining your relationship as it is between the two of you, not based on the "rescue" and past, because that makes "him" part of your current relationship for evermore. Indeed some folks get trapped with that need to be needed in that way, becoming become serial "white knights" looking out for new people to "save". I hope that sort of makes sense. - Wulfy My, what sharp teeth I have. Edited 9 Feb 10, 6:34 PM by BadWulf | |
| 9 Feb 10, 6:47 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
Very interesting Wulfy. I take on board this view, and although I'm not sure I did 'rescue' her, I'm glad that I was there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. It was and still is my privilege to be with her.
Sure, I fancied her to death before we were 'an item' but it had never occured to me I'd be so fortunate the attraction would be reciprocated. There's a few strange and disparate coincidences behind how we got together that would have taken too long to put in the already long OP!
Aren't humans odd creatures?
Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | |
| 9 Feb 10, 6:53 PM Quiet_Fire UK(BS), 2 yrs |
Here's another perspective: Is she telling the truth? Someone I know (no names 'cos he's on here)had a similar experience: met a lady with a terrible, abused past etc, he comes along and rescues her and then the 'sudden', yet matter of fact revelations from the past - just casually dropped into conversation. After much digging around and honest discussion it turned out that none of it was true to the degree she expressed. This particular woman was (and still is) a serial and compulsive story teller, and the old expression "Any attention is better than no attention" is very true for her. She wanted to constantly test the guy's reserve and see just how 'smitten' he was with her. Apparently she repeated this in a number of relationships (including three previous marriages that crept out of the woodwork)and she would keep introducing new and more shocking revelations each time the previous one had been forgiven. She did these things to a) to gain sympathetic attention and create a relationship in the first place, b) pressure and self-sabotage it once it was established and c) ultimately break it up at the end. As soon as she knew that the guy was willing Forgive and Forget, she no longer wanted him...he was a 'Wimp'. What she really wanted was the guy to refuse to accept things and kick her out to re-inforce her belief that all men are B******s and to feed her sub desires of being mal-treated. Look up The Drama Triangle on the net to read about people's game playing using three different roles: Persecutor (P), Victim (V) and Rescuer (R)and you will see how this could apply. The Abuser was P1, she was V and the guy R. Until she reveals something that hurts and she becomes P2, the guy V2. If he feels sorry for her she becomes V3 and he Rescuer again. If he doesn't forgive her, she gets upset,so he's the New Persecutor and YET AGAIN she the Victim. Obviously, I'm not saying that this is true in your case, but, as other replies have said, I would suggest you look at your relationship with new eyes.
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| 9 Feb 10, 6:59 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
Yes.
Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | |
| 9 Feb 10, 7:02 PM BadWulf UK(TA), 6 yrs |
Yup, but that of course is what makes it so fun and interesting! 
My, what sharp teeth I have. Edited 9 Feb 10, 7:11 PM by BadWulf | |
| 9 Feb 10, 7:45 PM Grownup_Frankie UK, 4 yrs |
That was another good card on the table by Badwulf - about those possible mixed feelings, or slightly 'put out' feelings when someone grows strong before your eyes and becomes themselves, or a new self, thats slightly different from one's expectations of that person. I woke up with that thought today so I'm glad someone has mentioned it. Its only human nature, but if you can see how your internal wiring works, see the triggers pulling the wires that ring the bells, you really do have the chance to rewire yourself better. And they say, don't they, that you can't change another person but you can change yourself. I always think its a very useful excercise to put as many cards down on the table as one can, when you are trying to work your way through something like this. Another thing that has come to my aid more than once is the concept of being both 'the observer and the observed'...its again a very human failing to always justify one's actions or thoughts, but just as easily, if we were to observe those actions in another person we could be far more objective and see something 'obvious' that they just can't seem to see. So the trick is to step outside yourself and try to look at how you are reacting as though you were another person. Its not about passing judgement on yourself of course or finding yourself at fault. Each new experience in relationship has the potential and the power to teach us how to be in relationship better. This point of Badwulf's is a hard card to look at, but no card should be ignored. Are you cross at the guy in her past, or a little shocked at her? - Thats whats written on that card, and its a difficult question. But then, if you were outside yourself looking in, you might just say to yourself, look, mate, this is just you getting used to what it means to be in relationship with this real, complex, flesh and blood person; she isn't your 'idea' of what she is, she is what she is... Its better to love whats real than whats imagined. Edited 9 Feb 10, 7:48 PM by Grownup_Frankie | |
| 9 Feb 10, 8:03 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
Once again Frankie. You've said things that make perfect sense-and yes, it's easy to be on the outside looking in, I try to not give advice to friends if it's asked, and instead try to help get them to work the problem themselves.. How often do we hear people say 'I know exactly how you feel?'...That phrase makes me cringe! Which is why I deliberatly said in the OP 'similar', because I know no-one will have an exact same experience, even if certain elements may be familiar. Having said that I recieved an incredibly candid and for me quite moving account from a person who related their quite intense but ultimately destrutive relationship, and this seemed very familar to the one my girl endured. Unfortunatley she hasn't yet managed to get round to signing up to IC due to work commitments, but she will. Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | |
| 9 Feb 10, 10:08 PM Grownup_Frankie UK, 4 yrs |
I don't know how many times I've felt like Ive been dragged through a hedge backwards in a relationship, and I've never yet managed to look forward to the experience - but I have learnt that, once I'm through the headge, I'm always in a better place than I was, and am always glad I got there. I Wish there was an easier way, but have yet to find one. That 'someone else' has already been there and done that doesn't mean much in the end - well, it means something for sure, but if we could get all our lessons from third hand experience, wouldn't that be lovely? There IS only the hard, personal, subjective way - things come along to challenge us. Being in relationship to another person is full of challenges to our percieved ideas, our old notions and habits - always, always, it is a journey full of remarkable discoveries about OURSELVES, in RELATIONSHIP to another. Its the way we work out where we are on the map of life, by cross referencing our latitude with someone else's longitude. Or... *scratches head* Or is it our longitude with someone else's latitude? An Awfully Big Adventure, any way you look at it. *smile* | |
| 9 Feb 10, 10:51 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
I thought I would prolapse then!!! my profile says I'm warped!! Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle |
