This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Mon 8 Feb 10, 1:16 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs   |
I've umm'd and ahh'd about what I'm about to post all morning. I'm not sure it's appropriate for the boards and freely admit it might be for cathartic reasons but hopefully others who have experienced similar things will see themselves and gain a feeling they're not alone!
My girl and I have always experienced an honest relationship. For her part she has always been submissive in persona (although when much younger didn't pigeonhole it as such). A few years ago (after an 18 month period of ignoring the overtures) she became involved with a man who she gradually saw as the Dominant she'd never had before. The relationship (before we'd become involved) deteriorated towards the end as his behaviour towards her became psychologically damaging in several ways, but classically it was insidious, little bites out of her. He was also brutally physically abusive--but as she hadn't been in a D/s relationship before, nor had ever discussed it with anyone else, she knew no better or worse 'That's the way I thought it was'. He very nearly broke her. Now, this all seems I'm sure to some as strange, bearing in mind her everyday life is one of being the consummate professional, enjoying the respect of many and varied equally professional people, but the vanilla world is different so I suppose that explains it. Enter stage left me, six months later after she finished things with him. We'd met previously in a professional capacity, although we don't work together. She's told me that I put her back together again. I'll be frank; I was in bits when she told me how he'd treated her. It took a while for her to stop shaking (literally!) with fear if she thought she'd upset or angered me (she never had!), such was the ghost hanging round her. Our relationship has grown and grown, we love each other in a way I've never known before. But? But... last saturday we were chatting in the kitchen preparing dinner and discussing perhaps finding and going along to a D/s club. Then she told me that when she'd been with him, he'd taken her to a swingers club, where she said he looked after her, although he did enjoy her playing with another girl and himself. They apparently visited it on three or four occasions in the two and half years they were together. She told me in a matter of fact sort of way, saw the expression on my face and asked if I was alright.. I think I must have been white as when I said 'yes' she replied, 'No you're not'. Needless to say, dinner was almost silent, and the night long and sleepless on my part. Since then, we've discussed it, and I feel better, but what is really pissing me off is why I should have felt such stomach twisting hurt and jealousy? She (rightly) told me that she has always been totally honest with me, and she is now confused as to what she can and cannot tell me. I in turn feel dreadful I have brought this on us. I think we'll work through it, or rather I will, she has no reason to feel guilty why should she? She was doing as she was told by him, and anyway, never knew at that time if a) it would turn out as bad as it did and b) meet me. Has anyone else been through this? I know how destructive it is, and how it can consume a person for no logical reason. It's unreasonable and unrealistic. Does anyone have a way to deal with it?
Thank you for your indulgence Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 1:37 PM Thistle US, 4 yrs |
Well, here's how honest I can be... As you've already identified, you're having a response to something your partner told you about that is completely out of context to her revelation. To me, that says, "something is wrong." The trick is in first identifying what is wrong. Is it the relationship? Is it your own baggage? Is it stress you're dealing with completely external to the relationship? Is it that you think she should have told you at a different time and in a different way? Once you identify what's causing your overreaction, you may be able to better put it into perspective. Then you need to make time to talk this out with your partner and tell her why you overreacted, let her know you're working on it. Finally, you have to keep a wary eye on your behavior moving forward to make sure you don't allow this to become a pattern. If you are obsessing or brooding over it - and it seems that you are, you may want to discuss that tendency with a counselor.
love the brave but avoid cowards, knowing the gratitude of cowards is small ~Praxilla of Sicyon | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 1:50 PM Jahc99 UK, 5 yrs |
Not sure I understand properly, so memo sent instead! Why poison your liver when I could eat it for you?
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| 8 Feb 10, 2:08 PM Wings_of_a_Butterfly 2 yrs |
Perhaps her saying it in a 'matter of fact way' is an indication that a) she thought she had already told you and/or b) she has no emotional attachment and does not see it as a major event (so to speak). This is all in a previous old stale relationship and I think it will be unhealthy to hold onto it. Let it go and remember she is with you and you are both happy. From your post the thing that jumps out at me is that you feel she may not have been completely honest with you and that you perhaps you feel she 'kept' this from you? Sometimes we talk so much and divuldge so many things to our partners that its easy to forget all that has or hasnt been said. Take to heart that she has told you know and it has no real impact on your relationship as such. I hope you find a way to come to terms with it. Dont let her/make her feel its something she cant talk about. You dont want her to shut you out when you have a healthy happy open relationship. GOOD LUCK! **In life, as in dreams. NOTHING is quiet as it seems** - Book of Counted Sorrows | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:16 PM jules9 UK(CH), 2 yrs    |
At the end of the day, she can't change her past - and neither can you. You're perfectly right in what you are saying about it being something that you need to work through, as in reality she has done nothing at all wrong. As for the question on honesty, for my part I don't think I could trust someone to by my Dom if there wasn't complete honesty in both directions. So I'm definitely in the camp of there's no such thing as too honest. Wishing you both all of the best. XxX | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:18 PM BadWulf UK(TA), 6 yrs |
Her story is not an uncommon one sadly, am glad she has found somebody who can help her put herself back together, but .. Confused by what you are asking really. Why "needless to say"? Your own profile hints at desires of her playing with another girl, what are you jealous of, the fact that "He " had with her something you desire yourself?. What relevance is it to you who she played with before she met you? Is it that it was a swingers club that bothers you? if so why? - Wulfy My, what sharp teeth I have. Edited 8 Feb 10, 2:19 PM by BadWulf | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:26 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
Phew!! I've recieved a couple of memos and also the posted replies, and you good people have been wonderful. I'll be honest I was expecting a couple of 'Oh get over yourself' posts. I'm supposing the reason I haven't might be because this isn't an unknown scenario..Butterfly; Your comments hit the nail I think, thank you. Wulfy: I think yes, the fact she went to a swingers club, with someone else. Jeeze, this is raw!! LOL Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:41 PM DrTaps AQ, 9 yrs |
"The past in another country". This is about the past. What is it that causes you to be so worried; you haven't really articulated that. The lady concerned doesn't seem to have actually done anything to hurt or damage you from what you have said and isn't trying to get you to do anything you don't want to do. If you are worried about STDs post swinging, then mutual visits to the local GUM would sort that out; possibly embarrassing for either one or both of you, but nothing the clinic will worry about. But doesn't seem this is the issue. About all you have told us so far is that you have a problem and what sparked it off, but not why. Do you know what it is? Is it something in your past that this rekindles memories of or problems about? Do you now wish she hadn't been so honest? If so, why? You may find that your reaction to this revelation is causing her as much or more problems than the revelation is causing you. You might risk the whole relationship if you can't get a handle on it.
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| 8 Feb 10, 2:47 PM BadWulf UK(TA), 6 yrs |
Well, you do seem to be having quite a strong reaction to something very trivial compared to the fact he hit her unconsensually. To me that is what is "Raw" In the early days I found myself playing white knight as i am sure many here have done, I learned not to, as you risk getting so into the "rescuing" that you loose a spot of perspective. It is quite possible they had good times as well as the bad. I found ithat it was better to support her 'now' without judging her 'then' . Even in your OP, she says that he looked after her under those circumstances. Had he unconsensually allowed her to be used by all present that might have been a different thing altogether. But this seems jealousy for previous partners and the girl deserves better than that from you methinks.
In the nicest possible way Might be worth asking yourself where that came from in yourself. Nobody really can answer that but you. - Wulfy
My, what sharp teeth I have. | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:53 PM Manteau UK(S), 2 yrs |
She hasn't, that's the point.
Not at all, it's nothing whatsoever to do with STD's.
The 'why' is the problem. If I could articulate within myself the 'why', I'd be halfway to getting there.
She's told me directly she's not going to go on a guilt trip-and I wouldn't expect her to either. I'm aware though that, yes, it could cause her problems too, which is why I asked if this might be a scenario others have experienced. Yes, I know I run a big risk, I'm well aware, thats the bogey man in the cupboard!
Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great Calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
Aristotle | ||||
| 8 Feb 10, 2:58 PM lodobass UK(NG), 6 yrs |
As i see it.... you are in risk of losing her if you keep on with the un realistic jealousy. I myself have to admit to the green eyed monster shouting inside my head, but you have to move forward, be strong and consistant for her and dont load guilt upon something very clearly in the past. You are supposed to be the lead in the relationship... she will look to you for guidance... so swallow hard and think carefully what you have now, in the present.... Edited 8 Feb 10, 3:08 PM by lodobass |
