My husband and i (27)

if he wont go then go yourself, they will help you make sense of what is happening

reassure your children that you will sort this out

and get your depression issues sorted out with a professional, one who isn't going to push tablets at you to mask the problems but work out with you why, what, and how

show me something different xkx

Your children are your children so don't let him scare you when he says he'll make sure you can't see your children. A judge does not take a woman's children away because she suffers with depression. Depression is like any other illness. It is treatable with time and the right professional. If you were to take the step - and I know this is a scary and huge step - of reporting your husband's actions it will at least be recorded officially. Should he hit you again it would be HIM that was forced to leave the house under an unjunction.

I can't emphasise enough the importance of ensuring his actions are recorded with the police. If you wanted to you could warn him that you will report him should he lay a finger on you again and make it clear you are not bluffing, if that is easier for you. It is imperative your children do not witness his behaviour and, hard though it seems, that is your responsibility. They must be protected as seeing physical and mental abuse of their mother will have a detrimental impact on them. Please, speak with your family on the phone. It is not your fault this has happened. You have not failed in any way. You did not make him lose control of his temper. Get the emotional support of your family or friends. Emotional support is such a great thing in times of stress. I do wish you all the best.

i could sense something was not right, on the surface they seamed like they always have, but there was a underlying ..something.. it was hard to get her alone to talk.. i should have tried harder

she too was threatened with the kids.. he threatened he would hurt them [amongst other threats] if she dumped him..

and she believed him

eventually she found courage & reached out- and is now safe.

you have to find a way to escape this relationship, staying is not a good option for you or the kids... maybe start with your GP..get as much advice as possible..find out your options..and do whats best for you and your kids

xx

ETA.. [although it was a different situation] a friend asked me a question a long time ago~

"can you live the life your living for the rest of your life?"

thinking about that question - gave me courage to change my life, and i understood ~ lifes too precious, and i deserved to Live my life

and Lady Stardust sang her songs, of.....
..............Darkness and Disgrace.

Edited 7 Feb 10, 12:45 PM by scarlettsamm

I think before you can do anything you should tackle your depression. If you're not on anti depressants I would say go to your doctor. I know they aren't the solution however they can help temper the overwhelming feelings which can frighten you into inaction. Then I would seriously consider seeking some kind of counselling. I don't really recommend cbt for long term resolution because it basically just covers the cracks. Long term counselling (psycho dynamic I found extremely useful) can help you find where your feelings come from thus helping you see what need to be or can be changed. In yourself. You can't control how anyone behaves, only yourself. His issues are not yours.

Right at this minute obviously the children are a pretty major concern. I'm assuming you are the main care giver and therefore should remain in the house and keeping a routine as much as possible. If your husband is unwilling to see any fault on his part then I would highly recommend reporting the abuse to the police so that he:

1) does see it's serious

2) you have an official record which will hopefully mean he leaves.

The police have a family unit and will advise you better on your options.

It doesn't sound as though you want to stay in the marriage, perhaps he senses this deep down and reacting out of hurt. This doesn't excuse his behaviour, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

All I can say is I wish I'd gone to the hospital/police when my husband punched me so hard I thought I was dying. This was the first time he'd hit me. Like you my children were around although I didn't scream (couldn't). I think the biggest regret and anger I have about the situation is not finishing the relationship there and then. I carried on as though nothing was wrong in the hopes that my children wouldn't be damaged anymore. It doesn't work. I lost all respect for my husband and spent years in a toxic environment. Kid myself as I tried, my children will have suffered.

My family live quite a way from me also and do not blame my husband for our separation, they believe I should put up. It's difficult but I've got the self esteem (through counselling) to know I was right to end the marriage. You just need to dig deep and be extremely brave and strong.

I wish you all luck.

After years of experience they give very good advice and support.

You have to take whatever steps when you feel ready, but in the meantime, find out all your options as they will help you with the strength to make your move.

xx

Violence against you is unforgivable, he has hit you and experience tells me he WILL do it again.

This is not a dress rehearsal, this is your one shot at life and the only one that can make a difference is you. I have got a lot of female friends that suffered physical violence from their spouses and each and every time the husband promised not to ever do it again and then promptly did.

He will not stop you seeing your kids and no court in the land will let him take them from you. Phone the police, report the attack, seek legal aid and divorce the man before he hurts you again.

Treat problems like a dog would.....If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it and walk away.

I really feel for you, what an awful predicament to be in - one that many women find themselves in but, that doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with.

Why is it not possible for you to go to your family? Would they be supportive if you did?

There are (as others have mentioned) refuges for women (and their children) to seek a safe place, usually located in the local area - men are not allowed access to them and the “safe-houses” are very secure. I suggest you try to locate the one in your area - and you would be able to take your children there with you. The people who work in them are very supportive, friendly, understanding and have a great deal of experience to offer.

I'm not sure if you can deal with the depression without sorting out the source, first…. and it won't be easy to sort out the source, until you feel a little more in control of your situation (unfortunately, it's a bit like the chicken and the egg), ideally you would be able to do both… though I'm not sure that's possible.

Is your husband prepared to seek out help, will he discuss things with you, is he usually reasonable? Is it out of the question to attend counselling (marriage guidance) together? Do you want to?

Perhaps your husband is also feeling depressed (I'm not making excuses for him, just trying to look at it from other angles).

Sorry, I'm asking more questions than I am providing answers but… only you know what you want the outcome to be.

There has been some good advice and supportive comments here, already and I hope you're able to find some ways to sort things out - if you take positive action at least you will be trying to take back some control in your life - inaction will allow the cycle of being a “victim“ to continue.

With love and hugs, "Auntie".

Some of the best words of advice on the page.

Its very difficult to make the decision to end a relationship, especially where children are concerned. You become frightened of the alternatives without actually thinking them through, sometimes the reality is not as bad as you think.

We all have an 'unforgiveable act' something we could never forgive a partner, mine has always been physical violence. I would strongly suggest going to the police, they may be able to remove him from the family home leaving you and the children 'in situ'. Womens refuge will be able to tell you more though, they really are the ones with the experience.

Good luck and remember this ....' You save yourself or you remain unsaved' (Alice Sebold)

Sweetiejar
The more you sweat in practice...the less you bleed in battle.
http://www.cmunch.co.uk

I am completely in agreement with everything said here, which is a nice feeling (for me). And so beautifully and personally said, from thre heart. That is what I like so much about it, people are speaking so much from their own feelings. Very moving really.

The best thing a parent can give a child, IMHO, is seeing their parent care about their own life, I mean the parent's life. See that they care about themselves. It might seem a slight paradox on the face of it but, for a child, I think the sense that the parent cares about their own life carries with it the reassurance that the parent also cares about her (or his) child.

I probably haven't put that very well but if you look at the father in this situation he isn't caring about his children because he doesn't know even how to care about himself. That is where the tragedy starts.

Anyway I hope all the sense of support from those other posters helps.

My object all sublime...

Edited 7 Feb 10, 1:16 PM by stormywaters

0808 2000 247

good luck x

bop_it

Bind me, gag me, beat me and make me yours - kk (I have - bop_it )