Posted by the_unsub on Fri 5 Feb 10, 2:55 PM to the_unsub's blog.
WARNING: Written while I'm in one of my acerbic moods.
The more I go on the more I can see that I'm drawn to D/s, which is problematic as I had started to hope that I might not be submissive and got the mistaken idea in my head that I might be.
I'm sure most people who've met me have noticed that I can be a little awkward (awkward being either not talking at all or talking endlessly without picking an appropriate time - as with George W Bush there is no middle ground!). Because of my various little problems I've generally tried to prepare myself for the likely possibility that I'll end up alone (Which lets face isn't exactly a bad thing, I'll get a lot of me time after all). All was going well until one day when I stupidly thought "you know what? I might be submissive!" and ended up introducing myself to this world. The end result: I've woken up an even stronger desire that I can't bury.
After some Google searching I was quickly reminded that Google is in desperate need of a "Do What I Mean" function. Every search (usually along the lines of "giving up submission" or "I don't want to be submissive anymore") has only returned results for accepting it, or trying to become submissive. So it's increasingly looking like taking my submissiveness away is going to be a dead end. Another problem as it's something that I just can't see myself accepting. Whenever I've read descriptions of sessions I've been shocked and have been left with the urge to run away and sit down with a nice cup of tea to calm my nerves. I often act submissively around dominant types but I just can't see myself doing that kind of "high intensity" scene. I seem to get a "buzz" out of acting submissively but am left afterwards with something of a sense of shame and regret.
Earlier I said that there is a high chance that I'll end up alone, well I haven't given up hope completely. I was surprised to hear that a woman a friend of mine knows is interested in me (not sure why exactly). Really nice girl and definitely not dominant in the slightest (very shy, if she were in to the scene she'd seem more subby than dommy). In accordance with sods law this seems to be the way my chances are generally wrecked. I find the perfect girl but the fact that I'm not vanilla throws a great big spanner in the works (a lot like finding the perfect job but seeing at the bottom of the ad they they need a degree one classification higher than the one you have)
So it seems this is my lot in life. Unless I can actually find a way of switching my submissiveness off and going vanilla, but lets face it - it's probably not going to happen.
Well, that's enough venting for now.
Edited Fri 5 Feb 10, 2:59 PM by the_unsub
| 5 Feb 10, 3:16 PM Lj_switch UK, 3 yrs    |
speaking as someone just a little older than you, might I suggest that you have rather a long life left to you, and thinking you will end up alone is just a tad pessimistic. Finding a partner rarely happens when we go looking, they tend to arrive by chance, a casual word, a casual glance and something starts. Within the BDSM world, I met my lovely play-partner quite by chance, neither of us expecting anything of the sort.
why are you shocked by descriptions of sessions ? Because they involve things that are too severe for you to contemplate, because they are too perverted ? any sub/Dom(me) session should be for the benefit of both, limits are set and agreed. If you were to have a session, you would set you own limits, so it would be none of these. As to the "buzz"...that's what most of us do it for. This is part of the reward for the activity, the same as almost any human activity. So if you are a submissive, that's what you get for acting that way. Nothing to be ashamed of. The only regret would seem to be not having actually enjoyed your own reaction, or perhaps made your submission more overt. But then, who am I to say all this, I'm a switch *lol* Edited 5 Feb 10, 3:26 PM by Lj_switch | ||||||
| 5 Feb 10, 3:52 PM the_unsub 2 yrs |
I tend to be pessimistic in that area as I have some added complications.
A lot of things have worked out for me through serendipity. I sometimes wonder if I'm going to run out of good luck soon, either way I'm not comfortable with trusting my future to luck.
All of the above and more. Perhaps horrified at the thought that I might enjoy such things. All I know is that it leaves me feeling drawn to the vanilla world.
Problem is that I'll probably end up with a list limits longer than the great wall of China. And I don't even know if that's just because I'm afraid.
Part of the problem perhaps, if deep down I can't fully accept it then I won't be able to fully enjoy my reaction.
Best of both worlds I guess, lucky devil? Even with the good bits that I've experienced (like subspace), I still wish to be vanilla. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - Samuel Beckett Edited 5 Feb 10, 4:15 PM by the_unsub | ||||||
| 5 Feb 10, 4:21 PM epona74 UK(SL), 7 yrs |
We are all somewhere on a continuum...if you enjoy a little bit of D/s, and not so much the SM, then that's what you enjoy, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. There are lots of people for whom the mere thought of some of the things I enjoy are an anathema, and there are (possibly more) things that others do that I wouldn't dream of doing in a million years! And that's fine-we're all individuals, and life would be a darned boring place if we were all identical!
The kink side is something that is or isn't part of us...you can try to deny it, but imho it's a bit like colouring your hair...it doesn't change that you're a bit of a mousy blonde underneath, it just hides it well! With regard to the vanilla girl who is interested...how do you know she doesn't secretly dream of someone who would help her find her dominant side? You'd be absolutely amazed at what those nillas out there dream of, when they think no one's looking! I had a girlfriend many years ago...now I was shy, but she was WAYYYYYY shyer, you wouldn't think she'd say boo to a goose. But she was perfectly happy tying me up and even got into spanking me a bit when I asked nicely. Domme? Perhaps not...but she certainly wasn't as vanilla as I thought she was! Take things gently, allow them to develop as they will...you may get a friend, it may not work, there may be someone round the corner or 5 years from now who is just perfect! There are an awful lot of people out there, and someone will have matching interests to yours! Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. (R. Frost) | ||||||
| 5 Feb 10, 10:25 PM the_unsub 2 yrs |
Thanks for your help. I think I need to start seeing myself in a more positive light before I can start seeing this part of myself in a positive light. I think part of it comes from not recognising any positive attributes and assuming that I'll end up alone and unable to compete with other subs. It all spirals out of control from there until I reach hating being submissive. A mindset I need to get out of. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - Samuel Beckett | ||||||
| 6 Feb 10, 9:12 AM Mabesque UK(LS), 4 yrs |
Without wanting to seem too blunt, do you fancy her? Or does she just seem like a nice girl that means you won't be on your own? It's important to make your own choices - you do have lots of choices and no I don't think you need to worry about ending up alone. If there's a spark there, then that's something you can definitely work with, if not, it's not your answer. You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails. | ||||||
| 5 Mar 10, 11:58 AM the_unsub 2 yrs |
I guess not, now that I think about it I don't think I've ever really fancied anyone. I think I got caught up in the whole thing about "I must find someone" because that's what I'm told and it's the expected thing. Truthfully I'm not sure it actually holds much interest for me. |
