Carpetting your world? (7)

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Tanos
Posted by Tanos on Thu 4 Feb 10, 10:08 PM

There's a great line in Raven and Joshua's questions and answers book, in a section about control: "I can't carpet the world, but I've put down a lot of throw rugs."

To the dominants: how important is it to you to control your environment?

To the submissives: how important is it to you to live in a wider environment that's controlled?

Regards,

Tanos

Replies

10 Feb 10, 6:08 PM
socair
UK, 4 yrs

Tanos wrote:
There's a great line in Raven and Joshua's questions and answers book, in a section about control: "I can't carpet the world, but I've put down a lot of throw rugs."
To the submissives: how important is it to you to live in a wider environment that's controlled?
Regards,
Tanos

What a lovely quote. It reminds me of a comment in a book (???) where the author wrote something like “out in the unnatural world”. Similar theme perhaps?
When control has a very narrow focus I know it can be confusing, frustrating and even irritating. And eventually it feels like a rejection. A pissed off, confused, submissive might just say “oh sod this I can do it better myself anyway”, and be right. Once you've taken control back from someone you know you could do it again and again and again and something gets broken
Rightly or wrongly if someone you're involved with limits control to the bleeding obvious the temptation eventually is to see them as not being capable of holding any more. Then the thoughts starts, the terrible, terrible thoughts:
-what's wrong with me
-how to stop this awful neediness for more, more, more
-why are you happy to settle for so little?
-someone has to make a decision and it may as well be me
-emmm who is the dominant one here?
-f**k this
You see there's a bit of fear somewhere – if someone isn't actually using the control they have then do they really have it at all? Is it just an illusion? At the end of the day am I stronger than him? Are we just playing let's pretend here? I know there are different levels of control which work for people but to me, when it's something you both need, don't restrict your influence to just a tiny bit of the picture. That isn't enough to feel it properly long term and if it can't be felt then it doesn't exist. If you have it for god's sake use it, and use it often! Please get those rugs out
Control which is limited to very specific areas for ever just isn't enough for some. It's a bit like being at your job where ultimately your boss controls your time but you don't give their opinions or preferences (or them!) much thought when away from work. A part time intimate boss isn't ever going to engender more than fleeting feelings of devotion or surrender in some of us either.
On an even more selfish level all the minutiae of life has more meaning if it's framed by something and how perfect a frame could control be? Shopping can be hellish but when you're buying someone's favourite food to cook them a meal it's less painful and has a purpose. Add in shopping being one of your assigned jobs and you're three times more likely to find meaning in it It's (allegedly) possible to do that for yourself, but it's so much more rewarding if someone else is at the core of it all, if they are your reason for doing something.
But then I suppose there are times or places it can't really be applicable – at work for example we all need to be free to do what work demands. Or in the early days of a relationship when trying to control too much too soon may backfire.
What a balancing act.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society".

10 Feb 10, 8:52 PM
DaddysBrat
UK(WA), 16 mths

socair wrote:
A hell of a lot of stuff I really identify with!
I don't need to be micromanaged, but I do need to feel control in all aspects of my life. As socair said, without it, it can feel like a bit of a game - which isn't where my interests lie at all.
XxX

11 Feb 10, 12:57 PM
De_Luxe
UK, 4 yrs

Tanos wrote:
There's a great line in Raven and Joshua's questions and answers book, in a section about control: "I can't carpet the world, but I've put down a lot of throw rugs."
To the dominants: how important is it to you to control your environment?
To the submissives: how important is it to you to live in a wider environment that's controlled?
Regards,
Tanos

I've a feeling Raven put that line in a post on TSR also.
"how important is it to you to control your environment?"
At a guess I think it's importance to me is a bit above average. Rather than it being a need it is a want. I like order and organisation because it is time and resource efficient.
The motivation to control my environment is that it has practical benefits. Growing flowers is a really common form of control of land but they are pleasant to see, that satisfies a creative need, to me knowing where things are saves time looking for them. What I can't control such as traffic doesn't bother me.
I don't think I have much desire to control my wider environment because I enjoy the benefits of not doing so. It keeps unforeseen possibilities open and allows for surprises. I actually enjoy getting lost when driving if not in any hurry or I'll direct my boy to take an impromptu turn off just to see what's there.
What is important to me is control of my boy and his environment. The major motivation for me is that it is enjoyable, as well as being a functional necessity, so it extends quite widely.
My version is:
"I don't want to carpet the world but I do have a flying carpet".

24 Feb 10, 6:29 PM
Marigolde
UK(EC), 2 yrs
Y!

Tanos wrote:
There's a great line in Raven and Joshua's questions and answers book, in a section about control: "I can't carpet the world, but I've put down a lot of throw rugs."
Regards,
Tanos

This is a great book, which I am also reading at the moment. Another concept talked about in the book is the continuim between control and service oriented submissives. I am working out just where I am, but tend to veer towards the service end, which seems to suggest that control is not something I would need a lot of, although I find it erotic.

Tanos wrote:
To the dominants: how important is it to you to control your environment?
To the submissives: how important is it to you to live in a wider environment that's controlled?

At the moment, what control there is in my very chaotic enviornment is provided by myself, so I am answering the question directed at Dominants.
I would say that the control I do have in my life at the moment is my anchor and thus very important to me. Hopefully, things will calm down a bit in future, in which case it might become less of something I want to keep.
Mari
"Every day is another chance to turn it all around."

8 Mar 10, 10:38 AM
Belasarius
UK(M), 6 yrs
Y!
It can be wonderful to take a chaotic, free spirit, who desires and requires control and to give it to her.
But, how much more fulfilling to take a person with an ordered, secure life - someone who feels content and in control of themselves - and to persuade them to give one that control instead - and then to know you achieve enough for them that they won't ask for it back.
Best to all.
Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet.
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

10 Mar 10, 5:51 PM
Marigolde
UK(EC), 2 yrs
Y!

Belasarius wrote:
It can be wonderful to take a chaotic, free spirit, who desires and requires control and to give it to her.
But, how much more fulfilling to take a person with an ordered, secure life - someone who feels content and in control of themselves - and to persuade them to give one that control instead - and then to know you achieve enough for them that they won't ask for it back.

Not everyone is already at a point of having an ordered, secure life though. Are you suggesting that someone whose life is more on the chaotic side would do well to wait and improve themselves / their life before seeking a Dominant?
Please don't feel I am fussing at you, as this is a concept I find myself thinking about all the time. I would like to have an O&P relationship, but have not been seeking all that actively so far, because I keep thinking I should work to become better first (more confidant, more fit, more acclimated to British culture, etc) in order to have more to offer a Dominant (or in terms of the dominance ecomony, perhaps in order to secure a higher quality Dominant).
May I ask your views on this?

Mari
"Every day is another chance to turn it all around."

11 Mar 10, 10:50 AM
Belasarius
UK(M), 6 yrs
Y!

Marigolde wrote:

Belasarius wrote:
It can be wonderful to take a chaotic, free spirit, who desires and requires control and to give it to her.
But, how much more fulfilling to take a person with an ordered, secure life - someone who feels content and in control of themselves - and to persuade them to give one that control instead - and then to know you achieve enough for them that they won't ask for it back.

Not everyone is already at a point of having an ordered, secure life though. Are you suggesting that someone whose life is more on the chaotic side would do well to wait and improve themselves / their life before seeking a Dominant?
Please don't feel I am fussing at you, as this is a concept I find myself thinking about all the time. I would like to have an O&P relationship, but have not been seeking all that actively so far, because I keep thinking I should work to become better first (more confidant, more fit, more acclimated to British culture, etc) in order to have more to offer a Dominant (or in terms of the dominance ecomony, perhaps in order to secure a higher quality Dominant).
May I ask your views on this?
No, I don't believe someone needs to change themselves before seeking a dominant.
My post was from my perspective and experience and could have been expressed more precisely. If a submissive presents herself with an orderly life then the dominant's challenge (I speak ONLY from my perspective) is to take control of that life and to leave her feeling satisfied as a result of that.
The more "chaotic" sub would be, to me, at an earlier stage of development and ordering her life would be at least partly necessary before transferring control would be fully meaningful.
I think the above is not relevant to whether a submissive is "ready" to seek a dominant: I think it is just indicative of the approach a dominant might want to take.
I think, for the submissive to be ready she needs to understand as fully as possible what she intends to offer her dominant (based on what is required to meet her own needs) and the likely effect this will have on her life. Then, she needs to understand her proposed dominant's ethos as well as she does her own.
In terms of the dominance economy, I believe the most attractive submissives are those that present as the highest quality raw material - not those that appear to be a fully finished product.
I believe this can apply both to completely fresh meat and those who have spent many years in a number of D/s relationships - the key is not whether she knows how to take a flogging or not, can groom and dress appropriately or not, etc, etc. For me the key is she knows herself, is proud of who she is and knows what she can give and that she deserves to be valued for it.
Best to you.
Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet.
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99
Edited 11 Mar 10, 12:23 PM by Belasarius


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