A newby question – is it essential to push limits? (31)

Do you have to offer proof of your submission? Absolutely not, you are you and no one needs to prove who they are

Can you dmamage yourself by consentually pushing limits? Yes I think you can.

Limits are a difficult area, as what may once have seemed an impossbilitly sometimes becomes something you want to try.

I have only been on this amazing journey since the end of August, but what I once thought of as an impossibility is something I absolutely love now.

The best thing to remember about limits, is that they are YOURS. They should not be pushed unless you are ready and willing for it to happen. If you have agreed a limit, it remains agreed until you say otherwise. That isn't to say that your Dom may not make a suggestion, but if you don't want to break your limit, quite simply in my opinion you don't and any Dom should in my opinion respect that...if they didn't I personally would walk away.

When I got together with my Master, he made me sit and write three lists. My HARD limits...that I cannot see my ever shifting on (but then never is a long time) my soft limits, which were things that I wasn't sure about or scared me but just weren't quite hard limits and thirdly the things I wasn't ready for yet, but would like to try one day. Anything not on those lists are open for Master to try if he wishes.

I have hard limits which are untouched, I had soft limits of which I some are no longer soft limits and the list of things to try one day constantly changes as I try something on it, and discover something new to add to it with Masters agreement.

Limits are fluid, what is set in stone today may not be next month or next year, as you discover things about yourself. Also what you think you may like you may discover you actually hate.

The key for me is communication: talk, discuss and talk some more.

As we are still learning about each other, and my needs and limits as well as Masters (yes they have needs and limits too), Master only introduces things after talking to me...sometimes I will shy away, and we find a compromise, other times I leap at the chance to try them and sometimes I try something and find it isn't for me at all (BULLWHIPS are EVIL Master and canes are OWWWWW ).

But we talk about it, if it isn't on my lists then I have to at least try it, but I have found that some of the things that were on my list I actually enjoy or want to try now. And some things I might want to try equally are on Masters list of things he isn't interested in and I have to respect that as much as he does.

As to can you damage your self by pushing your limits too far? I would say yes you can.

Master and I have been having a discussion about pushing one of my limits but we decided that I can't at the moment as there is a very real possiblity that I couldnt handle it and that it in turn could damage our relationship...neither of us are willing to take that chance... so this particular limit is back in its box...we may take it out again at some point and talk it over again but for now it remains a limit that cannot be crossed...its just not worth the risk.

Three things to remember:

1) Sub or Dom...we are people first, with all the rights and responsibilities that come with that.

2)Consent...if you dont give consent it doesnt happen.

3) This is a journey of discovery...you may well suprise yourself as you go along, so be open to possibilites but remain true to yourself.

So you dont have to push your limits, but you may find you will want to...and you dont have to prove anything to anyone, you are you and its that simple and that complicated...if its right for you do it, if it isnt dont.

But this is all just my take on this, we all have to find our own path, and mine may be vastly different from someone elses.

But perhaps the most important thing about this amazingly wonderful journey is...enjoy it!!

Welcome, and I wish you happiness for today and the future.

Tazallie
Getting there!

That being said there is no harm in expanding limits, i.e. suggestions to try new experiences that have not yet been tried or experienced....

Travelling the world....sometimes together....sometimes alone.....life is better shared with others

Personally, if I ever sub, I've got a range of things I'm interested in and I've not really any desire to deviate (huh-huh) from them. Obviously there's an element of compromise when you're playing with someone else, and you do your best to make it a mutually enjoyable experience, but if I don't enjoy something, I don't enjoy it, and I'm attempts to "improve" me by trying to push those limits.

I don't think it's essential but I think it's very common and not a bad thing. I think limits need to be challenged from time to time as they are very likely to change, many 'hard limits' are very person dependent, what you would never entertain with one person may feel perfectly right with another.

If you go into a relationship with a set of hard limits that are never revisited then I don't think you are really making the most of a devloping relationship. In fact I would say it's not developing.

That doesn't mean that all, or even any, limits must be removed, just that you need to look at them from time to time, not just state them at the start as immutable laws.

I think the evidence speaks for itself, how many people on here have less limits than they started with, even limits they labelled as 'hard'?

I have heard some people state that hard limits are not even to be discussed and it's a 'red flag' if it's suggested that they are. For me this is a 'red flag', if someone is so closed I doubt we will get on.

I actually had to think about this for a bit, and came to the conclusion that I would not be able to classify my "limits" at all, there are things I don´t like whatsoever, and there are things I like but am still scared of, and also, there are things that just won´t do anything for me but I wouldn´t mind them. But I still wouldn´t put a pecking order on any of them.

I also don´t think it´s essential to push limits, but, if with the right person, it can bring your relationship to a different level. It can improve trust, it can widen your experience levels, it can bring you closer. Bear in mind those words "with the right partner" though. The right partner will know when your in the right mind to try new things that you perhaps are not sure about. He will also know if he can more or less throw you in at the deep end, or if you need a slow approach. You can both gain from it.

And last not least, there is no "one way" in these matters. You are the best judge to know what your limits are and what you´d like to call them, so be confident and trust yourself and communicate that to your partner.

Polite

On the one hand I think its fair to say that YOU can push your own limits.

On the other hand its hard to deny that you are on a journey, and the nature of journeys is they take you from one place to another; from one you to another you. We arn't fixed and constant, experience changes us.

In my own experience, many limits come AFTER you've tried things, and decided that you don't like them or just simply don't wish to do these things again.

What should be avoided in one's own mind is that odd social tendency to conform, to do something because you think it goes with the territory, is expected of you, that it DEFINES you.

YOU define yourself. Which does not preclude you changing your mind about things, either way, as often as you wish.

A submissive gives permission to a dominant to have a degree of power over them, but thats not necessarily giving someone carte blanc, the devil is in the detail, and the detail is worth negotiating.

Though i'm not trying to suggest a Rule here.

Its more a Guideline than a Rule.

*smile*

Edited 7 Feb 10, 9:03 PM by Grownup_Frankie

I wasn't personally thinking that 'there's a "right" way to do kink'. It's just that to a newbie wandering around the web boards, a lot of discussion is based around pushing limits. I was trying to understand the attitudes of the common view on here - whether pushing limits was regarded as a given (which clearly could be dangerous in the wrong hands) or whether in fact preserving limits was the 'given' (which as Belasarius said runs the potential risk of relationships running stale) but was too obvious for the 'cognoscenti' to mention among themselves.

Of course really it was a personal question: roughly speaking of whether I was safe in looking to explore wiitw(y)d or whether I should be heading for the high hills far away. The replies in here plus some kind people who have memoed, have really helped me to 'get it' and am now happy that I am in a 'right' place, that I can belong here. Thank you all.

Especial thanks to tazallie whose contribution for some reason made me realise that; there are limits and there are limits and there are ... other limits ... some of which (I hardly dare whisper even to myself) I ... might ... want ... pushed. Don't tell anybody, Ok?

wanders off with a newly enlightened brain ... if you can hear a pop, pop, pop sound, that's my brain cells exploding in happy amazement, shock and surprise...

Edited 7 Feb 10, 9:16 PM by NimueBanditQueen

ps edited for spelling I'm on a palm top its not easy!

Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization.

Edited 9 Feb 10, 6:09 PM by solution_acheived

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