Posted by LittleMissEvil on Sun 24 Jan 10, 11:48 PM to LittleMissEvil's blog.
Ok so the last 9 days have been an interesting mix of up and down and a lot of contemplation. Come the start of last Saturday I had done something the previous week that had opened my eyes to something and things were good, I had a direction in my life and I knew what I wanted from my private life, and where I wanted to go with it.
Then I was supposed to have a date on Saturday evening, which I was looking forwards to, though having spoken to her at the start of the week I had not been able to talk to her during the week due to other commitments, but I had sent her a message saying I wouldn't be online much and if she wanted to get in touch my phone number was in the message. Well come Saturday lunch time I had not heard anything so I went home a little dejected. Feeling a bit down I decided to call my parents and see what they were up to where upon doing so I found out my brother was getting married, and on top of that it was to be February the 13 th.
Now this was really the last thing I wanted to hear, as this means a family event, now this is the last thing I want to do, as I am the only single one and I know I will get all the questions asking oh when are you going to settle down. Really not my idea of fun, but as it's my brother it's not something I can really skip.
This put me in more of a pissed off mood so I decided to go out and get very drunk which I did, and did it very well. Which I found out is not really a good thing to do the night before you go to the gym, as I ended up sweating like a crack whore at customs Sunday morning.
Well anyhow the rest of the week was rather mundane, bar tweaking my knee in the gym on Friday, which prompted me to have a day off on Saturday. When my parents were coming down to drop off the post and things that was at their house for me. Then they told me the real reason my brother is getting married, in that he's got his girl friend pregnant.
Now this is what's really bugging me at the moment, not the fact he's getting married. But the fact he's having a child. My sister has two and well my brother is expecting one, and I know it's something I can never do.
99% of the time it's not something that gets to me; it's just every now and then there is the realisation that I am never going to have biological children. Now I know people will say you can adopt and all of those things, which is good I am not belittling those people who adopt. But it's not the same as being able to have your own. I have known for the past 3 years that it's something I will never be able to do. Yet when things like this happen it sort of hits you for six and leaves you feeling well a failure, as the main aim of humans is to reproduce and ensure the human race continues; and that's something I can't do.
So I sit here pondering what to do about it all, normally I would reach for my normal method for dealing with stuff like this but even that at the moment doesn't feel like it would help at all.
Well I guesses I should just go to sleep and hopefully will get over the fact I feel like crap at the moment soon.
| 25 Jan 10, 12:01 AM passion8 UK(SW), 3 yrs   |
It's impossible to read a post like this and not at least say sorry to hear you are feeling down. These are feelings we all share from time to time and so you know you are not alone and of course that soon you'll be at the top of your game again.
Best wishes x This is not just any scene, This is an S&M scene xx |
| 25 Jan 10, 12:11 AM Skyhook 7 yrs |
You are not a failure. In anyway. A failure would be someone who can have children, but doesn't care or nurture them. I'm really sorry to hear life as dealt you a shitty hand. But that doesn't make you a failure - I bet your friends have never considered you one. As for the wedding - go! If anyone asks if you've 'settled down' then say no, but you are having lots of grrrreat sex. You'll make it through. Turn it into a game. Award a (secret!) prize for daftest hat, worst speach, best 'Dad dancing'. Work out who will cop off with who at the reception. Guess in advance who is 'Most Likely to End the Night Drunk and Sobbing in the Corner Blubbering "No-one loves meee"'.
And make sure it's not you "Me? I'm all about the hugs. |
| 25 Jan 10, 10:11 AM DanesWood UK(OL), 4 yrs |
I totally understand where you're coming from with all this, I've always been the odd one out in my family too, never quite felt I fitted in. Family events are thankfully few and far between these days, but being the only one who hasn't been married at least once, and also not being able to have children, it does cause conflicting emotions. You're happy for them, but it's difficult not to be sad for yourself. I've known since my 20s that I would be unlikely to have children, yet it was only when I was 41 that became a finality. Strange how although you know something it's still blow to know that it will definitely never happen. You may not have your own children, however you have nieces and nephews, why not be the best aunt you can be to them? Imagine the fun of spending quality time with them, taking them to places and buying them things. As the saying goes, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. "The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign. Mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." |
| 25 Jan 10, 11:15 PM Miss_Swoons UK(M), 4 yrs |
When life gives you manure grow roses. I've got more than one reason to believe biological children may not be a possibility for me, and that is a loss. Letting go of the potential little figures in your mind is not nice. Deciding that you're a lost cause or a failure would be much much worse. A lot of people can conceive and produce a child. Not a lot of people know how to live happy, good and productive lives, and the latter has to be more important than the former. I hate family occasions like this, and spent years obsessing over the things I hadn't done/could never do that my brother and sister had achieved with flying colours like marriage, sensible jobs. People kept telling me 'stop looking at it like your parents would' (ie stop being so harsh). Actually I started looking at it like my parents would. I think they see that they produced three very different children. They may apparently treat them the same by default, but as soon as one steps out of the normal line they adapt and deal with it, and forget why they thought you were weird in the first place. Anyway, it takes seconds to get pregnant, it takes years to develop character and guts.Anyway I want 2.4 cats.... 'Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative' |
| 9 Feb 10, 2:35 AM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
I can't offer any advice on the children front as I'm not really much of a maternal being unless it's towards the canine type.
What I can say though, is that you're anything but a failure and once the shock of things subsides, you've got just as much excitement and success in front of you as I've always believed you have
Stay strong It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice |
