Posted by Visualize on Sat 23 Jan 10, 6:06 AM to Visualize's blog.
I went to a BDSM event. It doesn't matter what or where as the details of the event are irrelevant.
I didn't go expecting to see many people there that I know.
Usually I am shy with BDSM strangers - Occasionally I click with people quickly - a few dozen people have fallen into that category, but usually it takes me a long time if not years to feel entirely comfortable with a BDSM someone - I am what I am.
I expected to pop in to this event, say hi to a handful of people maybe, have a drink and come home again. A Friday drive and chill out.
The journey there was a pig. Road works. Should have been a short journey but multiple local diversions had been set up by morons. After nearly an hour I was back where I started.
I would have shrugged my shoulders and given up, but I can be stubborn at times and I didn't have anything else to do so I decided to carry on - was it really impossible to
leave "the village"? I had to find out 
I arrived very late, but was really happy to see some folks I feel comfortable with and began to settle...but soon it started...... Labels and boxes.
I think that my dislike for labels and boxes probably started at primary school, when the "put people in boxes" started.
"What football team do you support?".
I didn't find football interesting, full stop. When repeatedly pressed at primary school for "who I support" I would eventually say "Manchester City" as I was taken to a City game once, and I knew that City were the poor cousins to United and I always had a thing about supporting the underdogs.
At the event I had an amusing conversation with a friend where we decided that "I am a Dom who occasionally bottoms", that was fine, because language *can* have its purposes and I didn't disagree with it as far as the definitions meaning anything to me.....and it was fun.
Later 'though, I heard, or in some cases overheard stuff which really started to get me pissed off.....
He/she/it/them/this/that
is/isn't a
dom(me)/sub/switch/top/bottom....
and therefore they will/wont/wouldn't.......etc There are even some boxes people put themselves or others in which I dare not name because questioning those boxes in any way shape or form is the deepest BDSM blasphemy that can be committed.
Labels...so limiting.
The more I cogitate on this, after 4 hours of editing and thinking and a bottle of wine, the more I feel the labels just cause a problem. Which is ironic. Because in my mind BDSM is about liberation.
It is probable therefore that I just don't do twue "BDSM" and I should delete my profile here and fuck off somewhere else.
I enjoy what I do, whatever it is called. Maybe it is a close cousin to BDSM. Maybe it just looks a bit like it.
("replies start visible" is limited to my network as IC is full of trolls who never sleep.)
| 23 Jan 10, 8:30 AM kaoskitten 7 yrs |
Although up early I have slept er to am not a 'troll'
| |
| 23 Jan 10, 10:31 AM Eclectic_shock UK(SW), 7 yrs   |
Humans like boxes and categorisation; as with stereotypes, they shortcut some elements of thought and allow us to process information more quickly. As an example, if you had to describe every single thing in intimate detail every time you spoke of it, that would render conversation impossible. That said, through experience at work and talking to people here, I think that there are some things (gender and sexuality particularly) that bear deeper consideration and which don't really sit with the human psyche's natural search for a pattern into which everything should fit. So... "yeah, what he said"^ Power corrupts; absolute power is even more fun | |
| 23 Jan 10, 11:04 AM Sunhillow 7 yrs |
I hate the whole label thing too. Obviously there are some people who identify totally as one thing or another but on the whole I think labels de-personalise & over simplify things. Maybe some people use them as a kind of short cut to 'weeding out' incompatible people; saves time having to bother to actually communicate and get to know the person behind the label I guess! But inevitably they're going to miss some hidden gems. As for 'twue' BDSM let me tell you a story. We once went to the home of a well known 'uber scene Dom' who had 2 fem subs. We expected to see how a 'real' D/s household operated but the 2 women bickered between themselves, displaying jealousy & animosity and ran complete rings round the Dom. It quickly became clear who was really in charge! You've fought long and hard for your liberation, don't let the label brigade get to you. Enjoy being 'you' & enjoy doing what you enjoy doing. Anyone who just wants to label you without getting to really know you isn't worth bothering with anyway. L x ~ If you must pick the lesser of two evils; choose the one you've never tried before. ~ | |
| 23 Jan 10, 12:25 PM Iphis_me UK(E), 4 yrs |
Labels I think are useful up to a point, they give you a starting point, a shorthand way to explain yourself to other people. But too many people allow themselves to be limited by the labels, rather than finding labels that work for them. Plus, when you peel them off they leave an annoying sticky residue - so yeah, I'm going off labels a bit. "The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates | |
| 23 Jan 10, 12:35 PM Visualize 4 yrs £ |
<Don't post when pissed. Don't post when pissed> LOL. When I woke up I thought "Fuck, what did I post when I was pissed". LMAOOOOOOO. Oh well. I won't delete it. It is Sunday, it will disappear off the board at the speed of light anyway. BOP_IT - Yes, it think the "people are made to feel somewhat 'lesser' " thing is definitely an issue for me. I occasionally feel "lesser", so when I hear other people being discussed and labeled in ways that make them seem lesser then those discussion do have a very direct effect on my mood. I definitely need a much thicker skin sometimes. and Eclectic_shock, yeah I agree that labels are needed as much as words, and the BDSM people labels are valuable, but then people are on a spectrum - I can't think of many people who are 100% of anything when you talk to them privately. Even if they are not currently doing the something which is the opposite of what others would say they are, more often than not they have done, or will do, or only do that with a few people.......so a label I suppose is a bit like a knife - it can be useful for opening a container to inspect what else is inside, or it can be used as a weapon for cowards to attack the things they dislike in themselves.
ETA gal_rosa "Plus, when you peel them off they leave an annoying sticky residue" - that made me smile The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, the present is a gift. Edited 23 Jan 10, 12:52 PM by Visualize | |
| 23 Jan 10, 12:50 PM Visualize 4 yrs £ |
 TY xx I just need to remind myself *a lot* more often than the views and attitudes of the few really do not reflect the views and attitudes of the many. Stupid to get my knickers in a twist about it. It is a shame because although the four words contained in "BDSM" are individually very valuable and useful, BDSM as a noun has developed beyond an abbreviation and into a set of society rules to live by. There is almost a Catholic/Protestant split over what BDSM "is". Maybe that is the part that is getting me most riled as that is where the labeling and exclusion most viciously kick in.
I dunno. I am gonna go back to sleep and give it some more thought later, or maybe just read a nice book instead ETA I thought about that a bit more and maybe the biggest problems occur when people start to define which components of play are and are not BDSM.... "You are doing BDSM is you do A,B,C AND D. If you exclude C or include E then you are not into BDSM you are just into...."<insert derogatory comment of your choosing, the most common being> "..kinky sex".
Anyhow, as people have quite correctly observed, "you think too much Simon". The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, the present is a gift. Edited 23 Jan 10, 1:12 PM by Visualize |
. There has been quite a written about labels recently, some like em, some hate em, some are just ambivalent. The problem for me is when it gets to a stage where by people are made to feel somewhat 'lesser' because of their view. I have thought what you have written a number of times but whose to say what 'twue BDSM' is, for me its what i make it and if that does not fit into 'a box' then perhaps its the 'box' that needs changing rather than a profile 