being a sub with depression (96)

I think what matters is that you stay in touch with how you feel, with what you want, as opposed to using your sexually submissive energy to avoid yourself.

Sexual energy is so strong that it is not difficult to abandon or disregard the rest of our feelings by feeling sexual. It is tricky because that can also be liberating, but it is only positive if we are liberating ourselves into a place of feeling good.

Sorry if that sounds enigmatic. 'To thine own self be true' as someone has said. The trouble is it is so bloody difficult if you have only a confused sense of who you are. And then from that base powerful sexual experiences can be even more confusing.

Connection is all, the sense of a partner who cares about you is very self affirming. If you feel your sexual experiences are that, are self affirming they will be part of your dealing with depression, if not not.

The worst thing would be to use submissiveness to reinforce a negative sense of your self. If it feels like that simply think of it as a journey where you have taken a wrong turning. It is no huge deal, you don't need to beat yourself up, but there is no point carrying on in that direction. You just need to stop, discover if you can how you got there, and in the light of that information choose another direction, but always checkng it feels ok and that you are looking after yourself.

You are young. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You have an absolute right to be. It is quite exciting really, there is a wonderful person in the universe, you, waiting for you to discover.

My object all sublime...

Good advice, as is much of what has been said.

All the advice here has been given without people knowing that much about you or your specific situation. I'd agree with others that only you & those close to you are really in a position to know what is the right path for you.

Be aware that if you do go to the doctors with this problem, they're likely to simply prescribe anti-depressants just to get you out of the door. While these can help some people, they are not the magic bullet that they are purported to be. I have one particular friend who has been on litereally dozens of different ones over the years & has experienced some horrific side effects (far worse than the depression) on many of them (& unacceptable side effects on ALL of them). Personally they helped me kick-start things but the loss of libido was too big a sacrifice to use them for long. They might help you but I'd advise caution...

BDSM can be an emotional journey & it helps to know where your head is at before you start. Sub-drop is a very real phenomenon & I can tell you from personal experience that sub-drop on top of existing depression is something best avoided.

No-one has mentioned diet or exercise which can both have a lot to do with how you feel... Avoid processed foods (especially refined sugars, white bread & take-aways) & eat more fresh fruit & vegetables. Go for a walk, or a cycle, or a swim... Ultimately depression is caused by a chemical imbalance & while it might not seem like it, your lifestyle will affect this. IMHO it's worth doing some research on that front, I don't claim to be an expert...

Good luck.

Peace, 376, xxx.

"Life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful harmony" - Martin Luther King, Jr.

No one should have to put their life on hold just because they have depression-that could actually make it worse. So no, depression in itself shouldn't stop you doing anything you want to. There are going to be people out there who can see through a mood disorder to the real you, and who will enjoy being with you based on that. Depression is just depression, it doesn't change who you are!

Should you go bouncing in all guns blazing, playing the first time you go to a club on the other hand? Possibly not.

Only you know how you react to stress, to hormones, to emotional upheaval. If your depression is of the type that just kind of sits in the background, then I'd say it may not affect you at all.

If, on the other hand, you find stress difficult to cope with as a result of it, or you struggle with emotional highs and lows, then you need to take care, go slow, and make sure everyone involved knows the score. That includes knowing in advance (as far as is possible) how to treat you afterwards if you crash a bit. Some people need lots of reassurance and support, some people pull away. Self awareness is really helpful here, so if you're not already, take some time to read books, talk to people, watch videos about depression and how to feel better. It can be beatable, trust me.

Seriously though, as long as you go at YOUR speed, and always make sure YOU'RE comfortable and happy with the situation, then as far as I can see, there shouldn't be an issue. Depression can cause self worth issues, so if that's a problem, don't forget to deal with that too. Make sure you're not picking someone to have a relationship with (once you get to that stage) because you don't think you're going to be able to get anyone better. And never, ever, ever, let them do things to you that you're not comfortable with! Pushing boundaries comes MUCH, MUCH later when you have already established a comfortable baseline.

This isn't an all or nothing sort of thing. You can go to munches and clubs and socialise and not play. You can start off by just being a little tied up. You can continue by experiencing a flogger for a few moments, or being spanked a little. You can have friends who give you all sorts of little experiences, sound bites if you like. This gives you an idea of what you enjoy and don't enjoy, where your current limits are, and what worries you, without putting you in that huge OMG I'm in a relationship and we're playing for the first time super-pressured situation. It'll also give you confidence in yourself and your surroundings.

Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. (R. Frost)
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new (A. Einstein)

Personally my illness has not stopped me from doing what i do....but i am more aware now of the pitfalls that can occur...i suffer terribly from sub -drop but thankfully, can now recognise the 'symptons' and deal with them accordingly.

What i will say however, is that you need the strong support of your Dom/partner and your friends...and they need to understand that occasionally, you might not be yourself and that you need <and will appreciate> that little extra care.

I would also urge you to seek medical help if you suffer on a regular basis....although i hate to rely on medication and have recently been able to withdraw from it, i found that it did level me out enough to cope with the highs and the lows.

Also, a word of caution to anyone endevering to enter a 'relationship' with someone who suffers from depression - if you dont think you can handle it then DONT. Your withdrawal and inability to handle the sometimes fragile situation could be all that is needed to tip someone over that teetering edge!

Just my penny's worth - but i hope it might help some.

AB

If i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isnt

Edited 8 Jan 10, 2:44 PM by angelbrat

Your whole post adds up to questioning the ability of depressives to enter relationships as an informed choice and questions the motivations of those who would do so.

You fundamentally misunderstand clinical depression.

Advising someone who is clinically depressed to put their life on hold is perhaps the worst thing you can advise.

I have a particular problem with everything you put in quotation marks, if you want to be specific.

Your attitude towards mental illness needs a good fact check.

You're so cute when you're frustrated.

I think that you have misunderstood my post.

I haven't questioned the ability of "a depressive" to enter relationships at all. Not once in fact. Which is why you are un able to quote me on it.

Actually, you are unable to quote me verbatim to back up any of the points you have picked on, as I simply haven't made them.

xxx

If they don't want me to go for their jugular, they simply oughtn't have one...

I can't understand why you have taken issue with this comment at all. I think it is perfectly valid, in my experience when a person is in the throws of an episode.

Never said that at all.

xxx

If they don't want me to go for their jugular, they simply oughtn't have one...

As well you should. You made perfectly acceptable points.

What you are failing to realise is that you are not making points that are contrary to my own. In fact our points are not remotely mutually exclusive, as I don't disagree with you at all.

xxx

If they don't want me to go for their jugular, they simply oughtn't have one...

Very well said indeed - and I talk from experience. You do make some strange choices when you are not yourself. Being what I am I have known what depression feels like.

Last year I ended a relationship that left me in tatters. Within three weeks I was offered and accepted a collar from someone that had known me for some time and knew of the circumstances. It was a disaster! It was a mistake I won't make again. If I had some wise counsel at the time I probably would not have made the mistakes I did make.

Susan Williams

Edited 8 Jan 10, 4:20 PM by Susan_Williams

So, the subtext here is that depressives can't consent to a relationship?

So, any person entering into a relationship with a depressed person, who can't really consent as they're making "strange choices", has questionable motives? After all, who would want to be with someone who is not themselves. Wrong illness btw.

So, being in a relationship with a depressive submissive is a recipe for extreme co-dependence, abuse?

What does happen when they can't deal with the depressives "shit" anymore? What happens when, inevitably, they break up with you? You're depressed you're not built for life.

Do you understand why some may have a problem with this post?

It's highly insulting to those who have suffered from depression in their lives.

You're so cute when you're frustrated.