My partner and I... (10)

..... just having one of me moments! please do excuse me >v<

storm

The South-Dorset munch is here

Don't torture yourself . . . that is my job

In a different set of circumstances this worked for me with my first partner. I went as far as to bookmark certain passages, but it sounds like you might need to tread carefully at the moment...

Also, simultaneously buy her some lovely things to wear to encourage the desired feelings in her: underwear, hosiery, footwear, sleepwear ... the list is endless.

Don't be daft about it: think about the styles and items she truly likes - not what you necessarily like, although hopefully there will be some commonality - and go shopping. Doesn't have to cost the earth ... but put some thought into it.

Good luck!

Such is life.

I'm afraid this is what it ultimately boils down to. You can no more "convert" her (i.e. turn her dominant) than any of us could turn vanilla. We're either wired for this or we're not. That's not to say that she absolutely isn't. Some of the suggestions provided by other posters (such as @Ragnarok suggesting introducing her to novels based around femdom) could help awaken such urges but only if they are there.

@Charios_Rise summed it up well. If she isn't wired for this then you will have to keep the relationship vanilla or leave.

If it comes down to that then the question would be - How strong are your submissive desires? Which matters more to you? (Please bear in mind that this question is not designed to make you feel guilty in any way, just to make you think about which is the more powerful force in your life. You may be forced to make a big decision and I just want to make sure you make the right one)

Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - Samuel Beckett

I'm currently single but I tell any woman I meet who and what I am pretty early on. I'd rather they told me there and then that they weren't interested - before either of us have any sort of emotional investment in a relationship. I see to many threads like this and I've been in a similar but different situation - playing with a sub who's primary relationship was with someone else. In the end I couldn't live with that and we went our seperate ways. One lives and learns.

I am a success. All these years I have eaten and not been eaten.

Sadly, I have to agree. It is possible to awaken something in a vanilla partner and I have known instances of this happening. However, if it is not there to awaken, then you have no hope of success.

It can be an assumption by some people in our scene all vanillas have a fetish/kink side, if only we can find it or unlock it. As I have said, this may be the case with some, but I really don't believe it is the case with all. Many vanillas simply do not have this side to them at all.

You have said that she has tied, but it appears that this is not for her. You could chat to her and see if she has any fantasies etc that she would like to indulge. In the end though, you may have to accept that you can have a vanilla relationship with your current partner, or a kinky one with someone else.

I'm sorry that this may not be what you want to hear, but I think it is the reality of the situation.

Best of luck with whatever you do.

Gary.

Everyone who lives dies, but not everyone who dies has truly lived.
When you're tired of The Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar you're tired of life!

You say that after almost one and a half years together you have started to "open up" to your partner about your BDSM desires, what about hers...? If she had any I'm sure she would have "opened up" right-back at you.

I wonder if you are the driving force behind what is happening in the relationship... if you are she will back-off, start to feel used and resent the changes that you have only just begun to reveal to her.

It's quite unusual for people to need to "spice things up" in their relationship when it's still so young... did she think things were boring or was it only you who thought that? Have you always wished things were different within your relationship?

If sex is a chore for anyone, they don't enjoy it and don't feel like doing it, if you are making demands of her and she doesn't feel like doing them, why should she? Just to please/satisfy your desires?

You want to make the relationship work, how... on your own terms, on her terms or in a way that you'll both enjoy? If it's for both of you she is entitled to say what she doesn't want in the same way that you're entitled to say what you do.

You appear to have changed the whole dynamic of the relationship, it wasn't based on what you are now asking of her and I suspect that she's going to resent your demands, especially if they're not what she thought she was "signing up for".

Maybe she is inherently submissive in her sexual desires and what you ask of her goes against her nature... maybe she is just someone who isn't kinky, not everyone has to be.

(FWIW - I'd say the above is a bit of a giveaway about what she thinks and feels about your "fetishy side".)

You ask: "Where do I go from here?"

Try asking her what she thinks of what you have asked of her, ask her if she likes it and whether she wants to try anything different... if she's backing away from sex, she doesn't seem to want any part of what she has, so far, been asked to do.

Dominants are meant to be the one's who make the demands, aren't they?

It's a relationship, she's an equal part of it, isn't she... talk to her, ask her questions and listen to her replies; it's not just about what you want from it - if you make it just about what you want you risk losing her, whether that's what you want, or not.

With love and hugs, "Auntie".

Edited 5 Jan 10, 7:07 PM by The_Problem_Page