Posted by the_unsub on Sun 3 Jan 10, 6:15 PM to the_unsub's blog.
Thoroughly fed up at the moment. Since I started this journey there have been good days and bad days. Right now these are the bad days. I just can't bring myself to see being submissive as a good thing. If anything right now I see it as as curse. I can't remember what set me off this time but this train of thought is sticking in my mind, now I find myself filled with a great sadness.
In a way I guess I'm glad I didn't manage to carry out D/s through hypno. I don't think I want to feel something that intense. As long as I haven't experienced it I still have a way out. I've never fully submitted and subspace is already fading from my memory, the option is still open to go vanilla. I take comfort from this yet I still know it to be a delusion, that I will still have these impulses. No matter how hard I try I can see no way to take my submissiveness away. If I could push a button that would take away my desire to submit, my ability to perceive pain as pleasure - I would gladly press it.
I know asking why I was cursed with this is ultimately a fruitless exercise. There is no reason, it's all random. I just happened to be wired this way. It seems I've been wired with as many obstacles as possible. If ever there were something to make me believe in a God it would be this - and I'm sure that he/she is having a good laugh right now.
I know that even if I could switch any and all kinky things in my mind I would still face extreme difficulties, when I first realised just how difficult dating and relationships would be I tried to prepare myself for the likely possibility that I will end up alone. I can't read people, I can only handle some types of social situation. Even then none of it comes naturally, I have to actively think about what to do rather than going with the flow. It all proves to be exhausting. I don't know if I even connect with other people emotionally. It just seems like something I wasn't built for.
It can be infuriating, wanting to offer myself: mind, body and soul yet I have no way to properly express this, no way of understanding, exploring and forming the basic connections required for this. At the same time, as much as I want this, I am also ashamed of it. Submitting to others, wishing to follow is something that I associate with the weakest parts of myself. My inability to stand my ground (I never win arguments), my tendency to act as a doormat - parts of myself that act as a great hindrance. I've always seen myself as weak and now I find myself trying to see this as a virtue, it's something that I just cannot reconcile.
The fact is, I just don't understand any of it - but there is one thing I do know:
I hate being submissive.
| 3 Jan 10, 9:08 PM Mabesque UK(LS), 4 yrs |
*hugs* You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails. |
| 3 Jan 10, 9:51 PM FairyGirl UK(YO), 3 yrs    |
[sarcasm/] And only a couple of months in, too. Wait till you *really* start enjoying yourself! [/sarcasm]
"Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. |
| 4 Jan 10, 9:07 PM jen001 UK(HD), 8 yrs |
chin up
and whiney blogs dont attract new people *smiles nicely as i already told you off once!* j xx RIP KINKY in Leeds, you will be missed! |
| 9 Jan 10, 2:06 AM the_unsub 2 yrs |
Thank you for your kind words. I've recently chatted to a friend and I'm feeling more upbeat. I'm beginning the long road to accepting all this. I've started to realise that my submissiveness includes my best qualities. I can't stand seeing other people suffer and I instinctively want to help - that I would never want to give up. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - Samuel Beckett |
