Those in between stages (17)

I think there has to be a period of time where trust is built up, where I am sure that the man I am with is actually a Dom, not just a fantasist. Where we explore each other as equals, learning enough to ensure that there is a realistic chance of making it work. My biggest newbie mistake was to rush through this stage, and it's not something I intend to be doing again.

Once I am happy I can trust this person, I am happy to hand everything over (saving my hard limits of course - although even these I hope I can hand to him, knowing he would not harm me). I don't feel that because I have handed everything over, he should use the whole arsenal straight away - if it's got to this stage, it's because I respect his judgement and know it will be done in the best way for the relationship to progress.

Early blanket consent has always sounded too fantasy based for me (disclaimer - no doubt there are some relationships for which it has worked ). But I wonder how you give such consent when you don't know a fraction of what will be required? Maybe it gets easier with experience.

On reflection some of the biggest mistakes made have surrounded not communicating thoughts or feelings about several things, including direction and progression of the relationship. With that lacking it's been too easy to assume we're both on the same page, when in reality we weren't even on the same genre.

I like to think that in the future such issues would be more structured, perhaps even to the extent of regular reviews about where we are and where we go next. The whole idea of working together to achieve specific goals is so wonderfully clear and reassuring (I won't ramble on about short, medium and long term goals, the assessment sheets, the folder they are all kept in, etc!). Hopefully someone will post who has actually taken this route

What are your thoughts on the subject?

"Nothing so conclusively proves a man's ability to lead others as what he does from day to day to lead himself".

It has always felt strange to make the next move, because of the connection as friends, but of course it has to be made in order for things to move forward. On the last occasion I asked the sub if she wanted to submit, on previous occasions it has been a more 'organic' change, and on one occasion was simply marked by my grabbing of a sub's hair.

I think that there is no right or wrong way, and to a large extent the relating as friends can and should continue, in perpetuity. Another thing that I like is to ask "do you trust me?", as a means both of ensuring consent before activity and of ensuring that a sub is aware that I value and respect her submission.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars" - Oscar Wilde
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

I read a lot about communication of consent, boundaries, negotiating of limits etc from early stages but we did not do this. For us it was very much experimenting and trial and error to find out what things I could and could not cope with.

I liken our relationship to a VERY long game of cards. In the first instance I held the pack. Along came another gamer and challenged me to a game. I accepted and offered half of the cards. Over the game there was much card swapping to see who would hold the most cards. Then suddenly he started taking my hand...I loosened the grip on my cards, he took more and eventually I let go and he held them all. That's when I knew he had me. There was no verbal/written contract between us. It just fell into place really.

We very much felt our way through. There has been no constant heavy Ds protocol, it's been very natural with instances of intensity. The only thing he insisted from day one was dual respect. We talk constantly. If I'm upset/insecure/happy over something I tell him. If something goes wrong we talk about it. If he is annoyed at me I know about it.

For me it has worked and is working, it sounds naff but the relationship has just grown of it's own accord. Neither of us expected to be with each other for 6 years (maybe that's one of the reasons why we get on....the lack of pressure from the whole "finding the one" rubbish). Yep, natural growth of Ds and O&P definitely sums it up.

Ideally, I'd see the progression as simply natural. Wanting to sub and wanting them to domme, them wanting me to sub and wanting to domme. If we've both been honest about what we want then I'd hope things could evolve in their own way.

For me, I'd see 'blanket consent' as almost implicit from the outset. However, in practical terms how much control could be exercised would depend upon the trust and desire and communication and fun and lots of intangibles in the relationship.

I can't see myself renegotiating over what is and what isn't acceptable over and over again - I'd hope a relationship would evolve and deepen and as it did the hold a domme had would strengthen and change and we'd go into new areas without really needing to sit down and formally 'agree' on it.

I would hope that a domme who felt the same need for me as I did for her would exercise the greatest care and judgement in how her power was exercised, taking measured steps to get to where she wanted to be as things progressed.

That's how it works in my head, anyway.

Edited 2 Jan 10, 9:16 PM by chaochou

That's very much the basis of why I want and am happy to give blanket consent. Don't get me wrong, it takes one hell of a lot of communication, learning about the person you are handing control over to in order to get to that stage, but the way I see it, is that no Dom/me in their right mind wants to harm their sub. A Dom/me that's worthy of submission, is one that's responsible with the power that they are given.

XxX

Trusting someone is not blanket consent for them to do whatever they like.

The South-Dorset munch is here

That's very true, and I wasn't suggesting that it is. Consent can only go as far as any agreed consensual limits, including any hard limits. I was simply referring to it as a way of ensuring the continuance of consent within those limits, rather than presuming it.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars" - Oscar Wilde
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

"Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace." - Oscar Wilde

Nice to hear it can work out like that