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| Dollface |
So, here it is. The customary end-of-year weblog. Why, it simply wouldn't be the end of the year without one!
I'm not one of those types that roll their eyes skyward as their mouth droops and utters "can't wait 'til this bloody year's over". Then again, I do have a slight dislike of New Year's Eve as you're expected to have the most amazing time EVAR, and when your evening is anything less than that you feel like an utter failure.
However, enough about the various opinions of the last day of the year. More of 2009 in review (I'm like a less film-centric, far less wanky Jonathan Ross).
2009 for me started out promisingly. And I have no doubt that 2010 will do so, too. However, a lot happened in between the two that made this year what it was.
I started 2009 in Yorkshire in a cosy little house with a job that paid the bills and someone by my side.
I end 2009 in Cardiff in a cosy little house with a job that is becoming a career, and single.
But what did these changes bring? Well, Traumata does not do sulking (although does do that irritating third person thing) or complacency, so upon moving back to my hometown on 26th February I walked into a new job on 3rd March and threw myself into the changes that a difficult situation had afforded me.
Whilst I wished I was there under different circumstances, I was back in the city that always, always had my devotion. I was surrounded by the people who had known me for years. I had thrust myself into a world of hard work, of freedom, of after-work cocktails and giving my everything to make the best impression I possibly could. And I was simply not prepared to let the start to the year cast a shadow over the rest of it.
2009 has been an eye-opener on so many levels. I have discovered just how capable and resilient I can be, and how much I thrive on a challenge. I have been reminded - although I never forgot - how wonderful my friends and family are and how readily they help to blast the clouds away. I have been presented with obstacle after obstacle, whether these be career or emotion orientated, and I've cleared them.
I have worked hard, and played hard. I have earned the respect of my colleagues and the people I work for. I have been reunited with the people who made me what I am. I have realised my capacity for alcohol (frankly, it's a lot. Must be the Welsh blood). I took initial tentative steps into the world of flirtation and haven't looked back.
Ah, yes. 2009 being the year of the single status, I have to confess that I was worried at how rusty I would be. I hadn't been single for four years; that's a significant amount of time for the joints to seize up. But I've surprised myself this year. I've rediscovered my ability to flirt, to cajole. I've realised the power of red lipstick.
And 2009 has been a year of my rediscovery of BDSM. I was terrified of the idea of casual play, at so much as kissing another person. I just didn't think it was going to happen. But, slowly and surely, it did. I have reassessed my desires and drivers, and have experienced sensations, emotions and pleasures that remain with me still. I have played harder, pushed my limits further, found myself shuddering with fear at what the person in front of me is about to do. I've done things, for my pleasure and for other's, that I never imagined doing. And whilst the idea filled me with revulsion at the beginning of the year, I've now seen the benefits. I am in control of what I want, and when I get it. Perhaps not when it gets past a certain point, but isn't that part of the thrill...?
I have dipped my toe into the local scene, with results that far surpassed my expectations. Going it alone was pretty daunting, but I've been made to feel so welcome and reassured that my nerves dissolved immediately. And I like to think that I've made some new friends too, and I've made them all quite clear on my plans for 2010 in terms of being something of a social harlot.
I've made friends this year. Some scene, some vanilla, all wonderful. Some in the most unexpected and perhaps inappropriate of places. Some over a bar. But all have impacted upon me in the most wonderful way, and I'm grateful for every single one.
It would be ignorant of me not to acknowledge that 2009 was not all sunshine and rainbows (I don't want type 2, after all). There have been moments in 2009 where I hurt so much I couldn't breathe - and not in the good way, either. There have been moments when I've questioned motives, reasons, why on earth some things crumbled so spectacularly. There have been encounters where I've been shocked at people's capacity for ignorance and rudeness and ugly behaviour. But I'm pleased to say that these times are in the minority - and even if they weren't, I'm not prepared to dwell on them.
2009 has been studded with times, with moments, with memories, with people that will stay with me forever. And while it wasn't the smoothest of rides, I'm here now. Again, in a cosy little house, and with a legion of friends, of drinking buddies, of people I'm proud to know by my side.
Without wanting to make this sound like an Oscar speech, thank you to all of you. For those who have supported me, loved me, been there for me. For those who have seen me at my worst and not forgotten me at my best. For those who have pushed me. For those who have shattered my limits. For old friends, for new friends. For my wingmen.
2010 doesn't bring dread or apprehension. It brings a new year of challenges and undiscovered delights. And I'm prepared to tackle it head-on.
As for tonight? It's being spent with The Girls. I would promise pillows fights in our lingerie but...ah, who am I to shatter the image?
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