Whom Do You Call 'Vanilla'? (92)

It didn't take me long to find the meaning of vanilla to be: 'simple', 'austere', 'clean', 'pure and simple', 'uncluttered', 'uncomplicated', 'unembellished', 'unostentatious', 'unpretentious'. So, for all the negative spin that you can put on it, it's equally possible to put a positive spin on it. Indeed, if 'uncomplicated', 'unpretentious' sex is what someone prefers, then why should they take any offence at the term 'vanilla'?

Your example is flawed. The words 'nigger' and 'wog' are so widely accepted as being offensive and inflammatory that there barely any way to use them other than pejoratively. The word 'vanilla', on the other hand, is widely accepted as being a popular flavour of both ice cream and sex, so it can quite legitimately be used non-pejoratively.

Joking I am. I'm not really a giant.

Youth's a mask and it don't last. Live it long and live it fast.(The Killing of Georgie by Rod Stewart)

It's not really the word that matters, it's the way its used, and the intention behind it that makes all the difference. When I say "vanilla", all I am doing is describing something or someone that is not BDSM-oriented. I try to avoid using it, but sometimes you just need a simple word that encompasses all the concepts you want to convey.

Some people, though, will use the word aggressively to fight back at the prejudice they feel they've suffered because of their kink. As with any word, it can be used positively or negatively.

So let's turn the tables. "Pervert". How does that make you feel? For me, it all depends on a great many things. When we say it amongst ourselves, it's a harmless word. For some people, it's a badge of honour. For others, it means "child molestor" or "sexual predator". In the tabloid press, it's used to whip up hatred against anything they deem outrageous, and not so long ago, it was used as a weapon against gay and lesbian people. In some parts of the world, it still is.

There are some people in the scene who like to call themselves perverts, and some who don't. It's not really the word itself that matters, but how it's used.

Vanilla in itself is a relatively harmless word. Sure, people will take exception that their sexuality is being described as plain or dull. To them, it's not. To some in our community, it is. To others, it's just a different flavour.

But when it comes to words, what other choices do we have? The mundanes? The normals? The non-kinky? Whatever term we settle on is either derogatory to people outside the scene, derogatory to us, or just clumsy and charmless.

Vanilla, like it or loathe it, is the word that has emerged as the accepted term for non-kinky people. There's not a lot we can do about it, but what I, personally, can do, is try to use it as kindly as possible.

~Twistee~

Everything is better with a twist

Whatever word we use it will cause offense to some and can be used to cause offense by others. But sometimes a simple word is needed... We just need to be judicial in how we use that word.

Tazallie
Getting there!

i concede that this term can be used without intent to cause offense. as did i by questioning its use and meaning..

i made this

Yeah I agree with much in this thread especially a lot of Belsarius's comments about the prejudice we have to overcome.

For me, in my particular position, I need to think ahead about people not getting stuck on words I need them to skim past and listen to my meaning - as a bottom line I absolutely agree with others that what is meant by language matters far more than the words chosen. However, if I think a particular word might cause a problem, then I see nothing wrong with thinking about that respectfully and not leaving more room for interpretation than I wish to. it's about having what small level of control I can over the response. It makes good business sense in activism.

Sometimes people in reference, whatever language they choose, *are* being nasty about vanilla people or what they do (I don't mean necessarily in this thread, but undertones of it can be found all over the place on the forums). It is fine to personally not like to engage in 'vanilla' practices, but to say that we don't need to disrespect other people or their practice of activities we consider vanilla. We need to remember that the whole vanilla population is not against us, what THEY choose to do in the bedroom, or how they like to conduct their relationships is none of our business either, much less our position to disrespect or dislike their choices and it is not a reason for the discrimination we face either.

On a personal/social level this is not a big deal. In terms of activism however, I think we shouldn't underestimate how important winning over the solidarity of the average population is. They are our employers, families, neighbours, bus drivers, doctors, judges and juries, police officers, teachers, sexual health clinic workers, marriage guidance counsellors, public servants, care staff, victim support officers, CAB workers, solicitors, journalists, programmers, etc. People who have an affect on our lives.. people who can change our future. If our tactics do not infer respect for their, for everyone's sexuality then we're fighting a losing battle. The key to OUR acceptance in society is going to be general acceptance about the sexuality and intimate choices of all consenting adults - we will never win that by doing others down, or being misinterpreted as doing such, we need to lead by example.

Many people harbour some level of fairly passive prejudice.. but most of them are guided by an important few. They are the people we need to fight - the others we need to earn the solidarity of.. befriend.. win over - and what they think matters and affects us whether the important few come onside or not, as those people are the ones that can begin to actively change the backdrop anyway through personal choice - sometimes even they lead the rulers. The gay community have done it - so can we.

This is not intended to come across as a lecture although I am a bit worried it will, it is just something I feel passionately about so I am saying a lot and am aware most of what we say to each other about this stuff holds little importance in the matters I am talking about above. I think I am just trying to explain why it's very important for me to be mindful and respectful of this stuff. Certainly no harm will come from me not using the term vanilla and using one which makes more literal sense - and which people who don't have an alternative sexuality will understand (a lot of them wouldn't even know the term vanilla anyway).

De

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Edited 28 Dec 09, 2:59 PM by Degenerate

The term 'vanilla' was (is and will be?) used throughout IC as a very common description for people who are NOT INTO the Fetish/BDSM scene (Another term! Hurray! Another discrimination!) Never say 'White man' to a white man! Say 'the man with the green shirt' or even better: 'the human with the green shirt' or 'the human being, wearing the green something which could be a shirt'.

There are members who had profiles saying: My vanilla stuff: ... My BDSM stuff: ... Wow! They are both?

This is what I thought as well! Aren't we all both? So why is it, that some of us think, that 'vanilla' is somehow used as a bad word???

Back to the ice cream: I LOVE VANILLA!!! I love custard, by the way, too! But I only like vanilla ice cream, topped with chocolate and whipped cream. (BMI: 26.0) Maybe some cherry ice cream on top as well... But pure vanilla? Huh... Only for some rare situations...

So - what the hell - is going on here?

I WILL continue to use this term! I WILL NEVER EVER say all the time 'the people who are not into BDSM or other Fetishes'... And now tar and feather me! And I don't give a damn, if someone uses the terms 'BDSM people' or 'Fetish people' meaning you or me!

see also anaiis ic site and die-erdbeerbowle.de (our adventures in the London and UK Fetish party scene)

I call them muggles...

All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars. Oscar Wilde.

What? Why?

Lady Emma