Posted by hunny_Beez on Mon 26 Apr 04, 9:06 PM to hunny_Beez's blog.
my first sexual encounter was when i was 15, it was also my first BDSM one.
at that time i did not stop and think this is not what everyone else does, it all felt so natural and so good. this relationship lasted almost 25 years and it was only when i had matured did i start to wonder if others lived as we did.
looking back as an adult i can see that even as a child i was submissive,
as a child i did everything i could to please others, i was in many ways the perfect child. i never caused my parents any grief and i did all i was told (well almost). in some ways this worked against me as i was taken for granted by just about everyone. At that time i did not realise it but looking back now i can see just how much i missed out on my childhood because i did not want to upset anyone and so did very little in the way of living.
i was also desperatly shy, and to live with this shyness i became invisible. at school and at home i would simply blend into the background, observing the world but not takeing part in it.
my parents ran the corner shop. From the age of 12 i worked in the shop, serving customers listening to the chatter observing all that went on, but even though i was there, they asked for their goods and paid me the money. i was still invisible. i did not take part in the chatter or the comings and goings of the life in the corner shop.
my school life was terrible mainly because of learning difficulties, but i also found myself without friends. i was never bullied and i could not understand why noone was my friend. i was not smelly or dirty, i was not particually ugly or had anything that i could point to that would make others not want me to be friends with. so i was the kid that sat alone in the class, i was the kid who was last picked for a team in sports, i was the kid who stood alone in the playground, i even remember kids asking to play with my skipping rope, they took the rope and played and i stood and watched. as i grew older i developed safety rituals to get through the worst of the school days breaks and lunch. i would have set walks around the school, playing area or when older, walks into town, i knew how long each walk lasted and i knew the places i could stop and be invisible for five or ten minutes before i started to appear to others and so would move along so as not to draw attention to myself.
as an adult looking back i now understand why i had no friends. it was my shyness that put up a barrier to others. when asked to play with my skipping rope they most probably expected me to simply join in but i would freeze with shyness and so got left behind. they were not cruel they just did not see me.
sorry i have sort of gone off track a little but i will leave it in.
looking back i have always been submissive, i have always wanted to please others put them first. sexually, i cant really remember what my thoughts and fantasies were before my first sexual contact. i just know that when elements of BDSM were introduced to me they all seemed to be natural.
luvs and hugs hunny
Edited Mon 26 Apr 04, 9:39 PM by hunny_Beez
