Posted by hunny_Beez on Sun 25 Apr 04, 8:02 PM to hunny_Beez's blog.
Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?
These are just my ideas and musings on this subject.
When I talk of a relationship I am referring to a marriage, a collaring or both, basically a long term commitment of some sort.
You meet someone, you get to know them, you fall in love you make a commitment to each other, you both think that this will last and make you happy. So when it starts to go wrong and you are no longer happy why do you stop within the relationship? Why not just simply say, I don't love you the way I use to I am no longer happy in this relationship I am leaving it.
It sounds so simple, but the first thing that the person needs to do is recognise that the relationship is over. So often people hang on hoping for a something that make things right. Sometimes if the problem is recognised and both parties in the relationship work at their problems, the relationship can be saved, but more often than not by the time the problems are recognised it is to late.
So why stay in the relationship? If a relationship is between two people with both parties being financially independent and emotionally independent with no complications, then you would think the split should be easy, but even so walking away admitting that what you started, has failed is not easy for some. What if the other partner still wants the relationship to carry on, they cannot see that there is a problem. It is hard to hurt someone you once loved, or even still love but on a different level.
Then there are the relationships complicated by children. To break up the relationship you break up the family unit. Most parents put their children's happiness first; they would walk through walls of fire to keep them happy and safe. So breaking up the family unit just because you are unhappy in a relationship is often not enough to push you to leave. We hear often people saying we stay or stayed together for the sake of the kids or I stayed in the relationship because of the kids. Some say that stopping in an unhappy relationship for the children does not work, and I tend to agree. Though I have known couples stay together for their kids and it has worked really well but in these incidences I feel they are keeping a family unit together but living separate lives as a couple. Both members of the relationship understood what was expected and why they were doing this. This of course can only work if both sides agree. More often than not when a relationship falls apart it is one side of the relationship that wants it to end rather than a mutual agreement.
Another complication to breaking up a relationship is financial. It sounds shallow to put money first but it is not easy to give up what you have struggled and worked for. It is even harder if one side of the relationship is financially reliant on the other. The idea of having to find work at the same time as leaving a relationship can be very daunting. Look back in history, keeping the women financially dependent on the man was the norm; this was a time of few divorces and many unhappy women. Having a home in joint names is often not the only financially complication. Saving schemes or even business ventures can be jointly owned. Ending a relationship could pull apart a family business, putting jobs and the financial security of others at jeopardy. This can be even more complicated if extended families are involved, father in laws with son in laws or brother and brother in laws etc., setting up business together. No matter how much they try to keep things on a business level if a messy split happens between the couple then this is not so easy to do.
Then there is the extended family to consider, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters etc. Even if there is no business or financial over lapping with the extended families it can often still be hard on them. Often within a relationship one member can became very close to their partners family, and the fear of loosing this friendship if the relationship breaks down can add to them staying in an unhappy relationship.
Likewise the friends that are made as a couple can be lost when the couple split up. Though friends should not take side they are often drawn to one member of the couple, especially if the break up is messy.
There are many other fears that may stop someone breaking up a relationship. The fear of being alone, the fear of how others will react, the fear of hurting others, the fear of change. I am sure there is a lot more.
So staying in an unhappy relationship may not be easy but ending it may be even harder.
Sorry if you read this hoping for some answers, I don't have any. This was a subject that came into my head today while ironing, so I thought I would put them down on paper. I'm sure there is a lot more on this subject that I have not touched on, as all relationships are different and so all break ups are individual to.
