The_Problem_Page's profile . The_Problem_Page group posts
Posted by The_Problem_Page on Mon 2 Nov 09, 1:12 PM to the The_Problem_Page group.
*Anon posting*
Dear Aunty...
I am having a lot of trouble moving on from my bdsm partner who ended our relationship 2 years ago. We are still friends.
I felt an overwhelming sense of tenderness for him during our sessions and I still long to be able to express that physically, but we do not have a physical relationship any more and he doesnt want it.
I have played with a few others since, but the sessions feel nowhere near as sexually exciting or emotionally moving as the ones I had with him.
How do I stop comparing everything since to what he and I shared?
Thankyou Aunty x
*Edited to change the blog title.
THIS BLOG IS NOW CLOSED TO ANY FURTHER REPLIES.
Edited Mon 2 Nov 09, 11:57 PM by The_Problem_Page
| 2 Nov 09, 1:25 PM dementia_von_gurth UK(DA), 4 yrs   |
keep going until you find something or someone better .... or keep dwelling on the past .... it's a choice thing all for one and fuck the rest | |
| 2 Nov 09, 1:56 PM Heaven_Sent UK(NW), 4 yrs |
Err, yeah, what he said! Do you not think two years is rather a large chunk to lose from your life, spent dwelling on something that simply is not going to re-establish itself? I know this sounds a bit harsh, and if it was two months rather than two years I wouldn't be saying this, but get up, brush yourself down and move onto something or someone else. What's the worst that can happen - you spending the remainder of your life trying to replicate what you once had? At least you'll have fun trying...
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| 2 Nov 09, 1:58 PM Backdooruk UK(BA), 12 yrs |
You could try to find someone or something different, outside of your comfort zone. A problem with finding something very good is that it colours your attitude to anything different. At the very least the change may give you perspective. - Chris
Submission is giving someone the ability to destroy You, but trusting them enough not to. | |
| 2 Nov 09, 2:16 PM Heaven_Sent UK(NW), 4 yrs |
That's quite possibly the most sensible (and true) comment I've ever seen written on IC.
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| 2 Nov 09, 2:19 PM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
Dear Anon, From what I have read of your current situation your previous BDSM partner ended your relationship 2 years ago and is/was aware of your feelings for him... however, he remains a "friend". You don't mention whether you were his dominant or his submissive but... whichever way around it was, the whole dynamic has changed in a way that you didn't want and had no choice about. Going from an intimate, caring, deeply involved BDSM relationship to nothing more than a "hands-off" vanilla friendship is going to be like trying to climb a mountain whilst wearing a snorkel and flippers! It's even more difficult when it's not what you want. Whilst it's great to be friends with people... if that friendship prevents us from moving on it is counter-productive. If he is/was aware of your deep feelings for him and yet only wants to be your friend, to spend time with you and enjoy your company but doesn't want any more physical contact with you, I'm not surprised that you're finding it incredibly difficult to move on from him and what you shared together! To be frank, I think he's being selfish, he has a friendship with you on his terms, not on yours and I feel he's not being respectful of you or your feelings... I think he should be more considerate and allow you the space to move on... of course, you also have to let go of him. As long as the object of your desires (him) remains in front of you, just out of reach, you'll keep trying to get it back. He isn't the one that's hurting... he ended it - if he was hurting I doubt that he would still be your friend. Only by distancing yourself from him, and giving yourself the chance to get over what you feel you've lost, will you be able to stop comparing others with him - until you let him go... you won't be free to allow others the chance to get closer to you. Ask yourself... can you accept his decision and continue a friendship with him, on his terms? So far you've tried but it's clearly not helping you to get over him and move on, is it? Don't you think you deserve better than this? With love and hugs, "Auntie". | |
| 2 Nov 09, 2:43 PM Jahc99 UK, 5 yrs |
I'll go against the grain of previous posts - sometimes it just takes time, a long time. | |
| 2 Nov 09, 2:50 PM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
I'll agree but... to continue to see the person who broke your heart can be like rubbing salt into the wound. Sometimes it's better to sever all contact with them to allow the healing process to begin.
With love and hugs, "Auntie". | |
| 2 Nov 09, 2:57 PM Jahc99 UK, 5 yrs |
Easier said than done if kids/work/mutual friends etc are involved. | |
| 2 Nov 09, 3:05 PM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
This is very true... we are not aware if there are any others involved in this matter and I have only based my answer on what we have been told. If "Anon" advises us that more than just the two of them are involved it might, undoubtedly, throw a slightly different complexion on things. Based on what we've been told I think "Anon" has been given lots of very reasonable replies... but, you're right, there could be more to it than we know about.
With love and hugs, "Auntie". | |
| 2 Nov 09, 3:50 PM Alayna 2 yrs |
Sometimes it is best to cut your losses, recognise how you ended up making a bad investment and move on... Yes it will be painful, yes it's a loss, but you can minimise the effect of the loss by controlling how much more energy you invest. I'm not saying you can't feel upset about a bad investment; I am however saying that there comes a time when the wallowing and the obsessing has taken it's hold on you for too long and avoiding dealing with the letting go of bad investment and taking charge of your own happiness Many people lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing they've behaved badly so they throw you The Friend Card, so that they feel less of a shit than they really are... It is a gateway into your life and if you haven't gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on The validation of what you know about yourself, him and the relationship comes from you... All of this energy that is being pointed in his direction is a waste because very little if anything comes from it, instead you are litterally throwing your life away and bringing it to a standstill
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