Posted by Bootman62
on Fri 23 Oct 09, 5:13 PM to Bootman62's blog.
Don't you wish that you had written this?
This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely, An Irate British Citizen.
| 23 Oct 09, 5:24 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Nope.
I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol | |
| 23 Oct 09, 6:40 PM DaddysTouch UK(RG), 3 yrs  |
I like it when the guvmint asks me questions. It means they don't know the answers and I like it that way. What men in all the world have shown such daring? | |
| 23 Oct 09, 6:42 PM rehtael_ni_dal  UK(G), 9 yrs |
Waits for Bohnanza to come and say that its a myth/hoax ect All done in the best possible taste.... | |
| 23 Oct 09, 7:51 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Bohnanza is always right. Bohnanza pointed out that my corset is too big. I thereby bow to the wisdom of the Uber Statistician. (That does not, however, mean that I particularly want my statistics posted on here).
I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol | |
| 23 Oct 09, 8:16 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
I read on the back of a corn flakes packet, or it might have been in a Christmas cracker, or possibly it came up on Question Time last night, that we didn't have passports till 1911 or thereabouts. Anyway much more recently than you might suppose. I love those old border crossings in the EU where there ain't no border crossings anymore. How long till there aren't any restrictions on human movement? I think not as long as you might think, less than 200 years say. Still I would miss those heartening words, "Her Britanic Majesty's Secretary of State Requests and Requires in the Name of her Majesty... " Sounds quite kinky really. My object all sublime... | |
| 23 Oct 09, 8:18 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Passports were introduced during the first world war. I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol | |
| 23 Oct 09, 8:43 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
Oooh I was right, well the cornflakes packet was. Surprisingly recent though isn't it? It's so odd to think of us all trotting round the planet clutching our little bits of coloured cardboard. 'No, sorry you can't come in 'ere. That's not the right bit of cardboard.'
My object all sublime... | |
| 23 Oct 09, 8:46 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Um .... that WAS off the top of my head, though. Best wait till Bohnanza gets here to confirm. I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol | |
| 23 Oct 09, 8:52 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
Is he really that old? My object all sublime... | |
| 23 Oct 09, 9:07 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Not according to his passport I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol |
