What maketh the Dom/me? (94)

Hi Maria,

I think we have pretty similar views, it's something almost intangible...

Maybe I am thinking about it too hard and just need to stop trying to over analysing.

Thank you

XxX

Ahh, but I wouldn't want to corrupt your sweet and unsullied innocence by telling you takes about ... (Shock! Horror!) ... *hushed whisper* ... procreation.

Toak

FEMALE, BONDAGE-FRIENDLY MODEL SOUGHT. I am seeking to update my "How To" shibari bondage pictures (see my profile pics, the clothed blonde tied in red and black) with a model more "enthusiastic" about BDSM, and who is happy to be photographed nude. MEMO ME if this is you.

Edited 6 Oct 09, 5:13 PM by ToakReon

I completely understand where you are coming from and I often think that myself. However, I've meanwhile despaired on the whole subject matter and have given up on trying to propagate my viewpoint.

If people want to label them Master,slave,Dom(me), sub, Top, bottom, table, doll, doormat, squirrel ... who are we to argue.

Only when a newbie asks me about the definitions I'll "impose" my viewpoint on them, adding the usual disclaimers of

"There are more interpretations of BDSM than actual people involved in it. Because everyone has a slightly different angle on things and pople change over time."

Seriously (not Srsly - oh, how I fucking hate that eyesore), one of those things best not to bother about.

Your Captain Jack

You've hit the nail on the head in that respect, and I completely agree with everything that you have said - however, maybe I've phrased it badly, but I suppose I was asking more "within the generally accepted definitions (as in, the ones on the dictionary here), what is it that really makes someone a Dom/me rather than a top".

I think that's what I'm trying to understand in my own mind. I asked the question on the boards, as I think everyone will have different opinions and views. Some that I will have considered, others that I won't have. Getting these views is useful as a solid starting point for me to draw my own conclusions.

XxX

This is exactly the opposite way around to how I would look at it. After all, almost everybody has some ability to dominate someone else. You might have a man, for example, who is in a managerial position at work and dominates his staff, has children who he dominates and even a wife who he dominates as otherwise the relationship won't work. He could be very good at all of these things, but if being dominant does nothing for him he is not a dom. If he spends all his time dreaming about submitting, he could even be a sub even though he spends most of his time being dominant. Indeed, this is the stereotypical pro domme client.

As far as I'm concerned, a dominant starts off with absolutely no skills. From the moment they sneak downstairs to secretly watch and re-watch a taped episode of a TV show where someone gets beaten and thrown in jail because it gives them a funny feeling in their tummy (can't just be me, right?)

It's the fact that their sex drive was wired to find having control exciting that makes them dom/me (or switch in my case). However it's because their sex drive was wired that way that makes them ultra-motivated to find ways of getting that feeling from sexual partners, to learn the skills that you're talking about. Skills are vital to being dominant, or for being a good dom/me, but being a dom/me in the first place is all about the desire. As far as I'm concerned someone with the desire but almost no skills is still a dom/me but a bad (or usually just unpractised) one, whereas someone with oodles of ability but no desire to isn't. It's usually the case, though, that those with the desire learn the skills.

I like you. I'll kill you slowly.

You've only got to look at how the term 'bottom' is really used in a derogatory manner, even top is to a lesser extent the same

I think are some people that feel compelled to pretend to be dominant more through social convention than anything

The first rule of Brat Club, we don't talk about Brat Club...

Edited 6 Oct 09, 6:15 PM by BarbieSlutLoki

What sort of skills are we talking about here. I mean being a dominant is not about inflicting pain, its about being able to control.

We constantly read on boards such as this things like, 'I wouldn't allow my sub to do that' or 'I do everything Master tells me to do without question' What we don't see is how did they reach that stage? how does he go about not allowing her to do that? Why does she do everything her Master tells her? What they don't tell us is the length of time it took for this dynamic to work or how in fact they made it work at all. I bet I could look through every thread on these boards and not pick up one valid tip on how to Master a sub.

Unfortunately some inexperienced dominants will read everything too literally and think that if they put it all together they are going to come up with a magic recipe. Now if this is an inexperienced submissive that hasn't tasted the real McCoy, she may well be smitten and there we have a happy ending but if on the other hand she has previously tasted something special, then she will quickly see through the facade and it will be 'later gater'

On the other hand we can learn many S/m skills that can be incorporated with our dominance. The wider our repertoire the bigger our playground.

I couldn't agree more, and it's this idea that there is no prescriptive for dominance that makes me question the validity of the idea of good and bad Dom/mes. Surely there can be no unviversally bad Dom/mes. Surely it's more about a partnership than an individual since without a submissive a dominant is only a person with the potential to dominate someone. And if that is the case, then people who are submissive are as wideranging and have as many variations in preferance as dominants (or anyone else for that matter) do, so one person's bad Dom/me could be another's dream Dom/me.

I tend to think it's all to do with matching up what both parties can give to/do for one another, which, as MariaB says means getting to know and learning from each other over a (probably pretty lengthy in most cases) period of time.

Pink stripey tigresses GIVE pink stripey bottoms

Polly

"Indifference to me, is the epitome of evil. Be a sound not an echo"