So I/we like bdsm because... (15)

"I like X (in terms of bdsm/gender/relationship set up etc etc) because I have experienced Y (in my life so far)"

Like this is a statement that I often refer to but actually, I am starting to think that it's not that valid.

For example, based on myself and a lot of the lesbians I know, I used to say that "well a lot of women are probably gay because they've had shit from men in their past" but now i'm like "hey fuck it, a person is a lesbian because they're a lesbian and that's cool, they're doing it because that's who they are and not because they are compensating for something that happened in their past"

I am starting to say the same about bdsm, like my nilla mate who's known me since i was 11 said to me "I reckon you probably do do bdsm because of some of the stuff I saw happen to you when..."...and she's probably right but I'm now at a point where i'm like "I'm well into bdsm and I fucking love it, I'm not to bothered about why this might be"

Like, on the flip side of things, I can't think of many nilla people I know who feel the need to justify to themselves why they might enjoy oral or why they might prefer to be on top or see their partner wearing something specific etc etc etc.

So yeah, I was just having a thought fuzz whereby I was asking myself whether it's ultimately clutching at straws to try to explain WHY we have certain sexual preferences, whether they be bdsm or otherwise.

What are your thoughts people? over to you

Isn't it funny that the day we realised we like you was the day you got a pool!

I'm definitely of the opinion that it really doesn't matter why you are into whatever you're into.

If there's a past experience that has made you like unusual sexual practices, then so what? You are who you are, by whatever combination of 'nature and nurture' has made you that way. I think it's far more important to make the best of what you have to work with, rather than worrying about how you got to where you are now.

As an aside, I do think that people sometimes sexualise things in order to deal with traumatic events or ideas, but then given that that seems to be a natural defence mechanism, I don't think it's unhealthy to follow those urges at all. In fact, I suspect that it's probably more unhealthy to over-analyse things and then suppress parts of your sexuality based on what you find distasteful. (If you find something immoral, then that's a different matter, but most activities between consenting adults shouldn't really fall into that category in any case).

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Thing is there is such a complex web of things that make me what I am, its fucking impossible to untangle them and tell you in clear terms, I can't say if such and such didn't happen what I would be like. So I have stopped worrying (so much) and just accept the fact that "I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses" (gotta love camp tunes)

No, it isn't to do with anything I experienced as a child. Although I think specific experiences can sometimes influence the direction kink can take, that certainly isn't the root of it at all.

As far as your initial X & Y statement goes, I guess it's a personal thing. For some people it might ring true but generally I'd say that it not being all that valid sounds about right.

At this point I have to say the best answer I can come up with is that this is just how I was born. These days I just try to go with it & not worry, tho' that's sometimes easier said than done.

Over-analysing doesn't do any good. Even if it did, you still have to learn to live with it which is the hard part IMO.

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win" - Gandhi

for me,

its a number of things... none of them really matter though

ok, bad stuff happened to me in the past, but to be honest that repressed me, rather than made me feel a great need to indulge...

I am a fighter, a doer, and look after people, but sometimes, I just want to stop.... for a little while, and relax. but I cant, as I am a control freak, so the concept of handing that decision over, is amazing..

so far, its a good feeling.

and its about having FUN

we are never free until we are ALL free

u need to repeat that and ACTUALLY DO IT!!!!!

Butter wouldn't melt x

hmm, odd.

yes I certainly am dear... and it's great isnt it...

we are never free until we are ALL free

Edited 23 Sep 09, 9:19 PM by furry_catgirl

I don't think its a question of validity - its certainly valid to ask yourself those questions. X and Y might be so long and complicated that you might never get there, and you might get it wrong too.

But irrespective you don't need a historical analysis to *justify* who you are today

-M

PS good to see you t'other day

And all men kill the thing they love, By all let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword!

-- Always waiting.

T.

Edited 23 Sep 09, 9:16 PM by twistit69

Phenomenal

www.thedivinemissp.co.uk