finally realising what submission means to you? (43)

I have thought long and hard ... and have struggled admitting a lot of things to myself ... shyness (ok i know no one believes i'm shy ) has me avoiding truths, and not admitting to myself or anyone else what i actually need, and thinking far too much about what other people think of me and being embarrassed by admitting something feels good, and what submission means to me.... but i think i've finally worked it out.

i have fibromyalgia, which causes me a lot of pain, so appear to have a fairly high pain tolerence to inflicted pain, but inflicted pain helps the normal pain ... which makes me happy and horny (and yep horny is quite an alien word for me at times) .... but i'm so much more than just a pain slut ... although pain can be good, with the right person or at a different time and place my pain tolerences can be much less or even non existent,(especially when i'm cold, my pain tolerence is virtually zero) but i'm a stubborn bitch and wont use safe words they may be on the tip of my tongue, but i just cant get them to come out, it feels like i've failed to be everything he wants me to be..... safe words for me i think are restricted to an absolute fuck this has to stop immediately cos theres a real problem/emergency. I expect a Dom to get to know me to understand me, to know when to stop or slow down or move on to something else .... I laugh a lot at pain which is quite amusing when someone doesn't know me ... i cant help it, it just comes out, bit like innapropriate comments like you hit like a girl.

I need a Dom to own me to to know whats best for me to not give me options ... allowing me to say ... i dont like that and him saying ok i wont use it ... can make a complete difference to whether that is the right person or not.

Spending hours discussing my BDSM likes and dislikes i hate,it bores me, I'd rather have a conversation about what makes them and me tick as a person, i want to know the person inside, not just the wank fantasies... (i do get bored very easily lol)

I am submissive, and to me that means i dont want a choice, i dont want to have a say, i am submissive to his whims totally, not for my own pleasure but for his, to be taken to a place that i can only dream of, to be owned totally and used as his toy, his plaything, his slut ....

barbie never had a say in whether ken tied her up and stuck a carrot up her bum ... ok maybe she doesn't have such a big gob as i do but i digress

I have very few absolute no go hard limits and they will not change, but the rest, i dont WANT a say,i dont NEED a say, i feel that by saying what i like and what i'd rather have happen, is not me being submissive at all, i want to see him smile when he holds me in his arms and we drift off to sleep contented that i have pleased him by being everything he needs me to be, and by me being that, i become everything he wants me to be. To have taken all his ... you hit like a girl... hits, (really must stop saying that lol) and to be there purely to satisfy him ... is my ultimate goal, for him to get inside my head and work out what makes me tick and how to get me to give myself completely to him.

and yes, it actually takes a very special person to work me out (i've been trying to work me out for 43 years lol ... and still not quite there) i need a REAL NATURAL DOM ... someone to take control, that can make me melt with a look, or a word, or a touch .... people say i'm bratty, i've always said i'm not, i'm just misunderstood, and it's true ....theres probably a handful of people i've met on the scene that are even vaguely capable of being able to get me to let them get inside the deep dark workings of my mind .... but i know that when someone eventually manages it and i'm taken to a different place ... a place where there is just contentment and peace and the stresses of real life crap melt away, i will be content.

so i think i finally understand xx

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should get used to it
if you have a problem with something i've said or done ........ tuff get over it

Edited Mon 21 Sep 09, 5:51 PM by teach_me

Have you considered taking that final step, forgetting about 'hard' limits but instead completely letting go of limits and trusting everything to the dom? Having hard limits sounds like you are trying to approach D/s in two conflicting ways, wanting surrender by not quite trusting a potential partner to completely surrender to them.

- Chris

Vivez sans temps mort

but then i would expect him to have those same limits lol

oh actually can i add i'm a total needlephobe to that too?

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should get used to it
if you have a problem with something i've said or done ........ tuff get over it

Edited 21 Sep 09, 10:36 AM by teach_me

A dom may never use never use needles with you but the psychology of making that their choice is quite different from presenting them with limits to their authority. That may be frightening (in concept as well as specifically) but in the end submission should be a little frightening I think.

- Chris

Vivez sans temps mort

Edited 21 Sep 09, 10:44 AM by Backdooruk

i have piercings, and want a few more, so no needles aren't completely out ... but it is a very severe phobia .

i suppose in the context of whats out in the real world with the right person then i wouldn't have to mention the kids and shit, but theres some strange people out there lol

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should get used to it
if you have a problem with something i've said or done ........ tuff get over it

Edited 21 Sep 09, 11:10 AM by teach_me

does anyone ever stop learning? *smiles thats lovely

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should get used to it
if you have a problem with something i've said or done ........ tuff get over it

But I'm just starting out and I'm loving every minute but all I really know at the moment is that for the first time in my life I feel as though I can be who I am meant to be.

And I can't wait to meet me lol!

As to anything else well when I have more of a clue I promise to resurect this thread and share!!

Tazallie
Getting there!

Edited 21 Sep 09, 11:33 AM by tazallie

I guess my limits are my Dom's limits, but then we are a couple 24/7 and luckily we tend to like/dislike the same things. That said he does make me do and endure things I'm not all that happy with - at least not happy with to start off. He then assesses if it's worth going on with depending on how I react. If it's quite clearly doing nothing except maybe cause distress he stops.

We want to try playing with other couples. This is an area where my boundaries are being pushed and I don't feel totally at ease with the idea - but it's what he wants to do next so I will submit. I know Aferdark will explain my/our limits in advance of any play. That's his way of loving and protecting me.

All of which leaves me baffled (not hard to do - lol). I am totally submissive to Afterdark where bdsm is concerned. If we play with someone else I am still submissive to Afterdark as I rely on his protection but not sure how far that would extend to another Dom. If they did something I didn't like I'd probably tell them to stop in no uncertain terms, safeword or no safeword. The rest of the time, there isn't anything subbie about me. Split personality or just normal - whatever that means.

Cheers
Shady_Lady
If you can dream it, you can do it - Walt Disney said it and look what he created. Dream on.

i'm about as submissive as a bull elephant on speed most of the time lol

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should get used to it
if you have a problem with something i've said or done ........ tuff get over it