This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Thu 17 Sep 09, 7:56 AM prettybelinda 2 yrs |
My partner and I have had a vanilla relationship for more than 20 years. I have had fantasies about being a slut/tart/sex object and have privately dressed in this style (underclothes and shoes only) while indulging in ass-play alone - that's the broad picture. She is a forceful personality and for a long time was uneasy about this side to me - for long periods we wouldn't discuss it and then occasionally she would go along with it. Six months ago she discovered the wonderful but complex world of bdsm and really got into the virtual side, posting and chatting quite widely. She now dommes me in the bedroom (spanking, humiliation, ass play) and I love it - love being open about my kink and exploring areas that only two people can. I like not knowing exactly what is coming while knowing I will like most of it because we talk through my likes and dislikes - she's a very considerate mistress and says she loves doing it for/to me. But she has a submissive side that she tells me I can't satisfy and has now started seeing a dom to be spanked/caned and controlled. I feel confused and upset even though she tells me it's not sexual for her - she just can't relate to me in that way and has a deep, dark need to be treated this way which has suddenly surfaced when we are in our forties. This is a very intense itch she had to scratch, which I understand. She didn't tell me until she had visited this guy twice as she knew I would flip out/be really uneasy about it. I just feel confused and kind of emasculated (my fault for being subby, if in fact I am!). I have spent some time trying to find answers but really, really would appreciate some help from your wealth of experience. My questions are three: my partner thinks she might be a switch. Could she be, or is she on the way to being a serious sub and struggling to come to terms with it and what it will mean for our relationship. Is she giving me what I want in the bedroom but is going to gradually lose interest in it and me (we do have vanilla sex as well but I worry about how long for). Finally - do I actually sound like a sub or just a vanilla guy who is turned on by wearing stockings, heels, and tight-fitting female (often pvc) clothing and enjoys acting the part of a slut. I find very little about clothing or fetish specifics on her or IC. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough or maybe I'm in the wrong place. I would really appreciate any views any of you may have - INCLUDING TELLING ME WHERE TO LOOK FOR ANSWERS OR WHERE TO ASK THIS QUESTION MORE RELEVANTLY. Thanks for reading this waffle but I just feel a little lost and most of you sound so sorted. | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 8:42 AM Souci_X UK(BA), 5 yrs   |
Who knows what you are? It sounds like you enjoy being treated a certain way and your partner enjoys treating you in this way, it is next to impossible to tell you what will happen in the future that is something that you two will have to wait and see on. There isn't a true anything, if your partner is enjoying it then she is, if she defines as a switch then she is. The way you felt when you discovered that she had seen someone without telling you is nothing to do with being submissive, but to do with being betrayed. If something like this will work you need to learn to communicate. Leading me to my next point, I am not your partner, none of us can get into her head and find out what is driving her, only she knows that and the only way you will know is by talking to her. You both need to work out what you want and how to move forward. Good luck | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 9:10 AM Lj_switch UK, 2 yrs  |
Perhaps my own experience may help you, though of course I cannot fully understand you or your parner's feelings. I started my exploration of real-life BDSM as a sub, feeling that was what was closest to my inner wishes. With time and experience (all of six months!) I have found being a switch is closer, I enjoy both Dom and sub personas. But I am married to a vanilla lady, whom I love deeply, but have never confided my kinks, having tried to find a way of discovering if she might be amenable to the idea and found a generally negatve view. Your partner currently is exploring her own needs, but unfortunately they don't include you, when she is in her sub persona. In a way, that is the parallel we share. Again, from my experience, my BDSM life is entirely non-sexual, for me, that is the hard limit. There are obvious sexual overtones, including some rather intimate contact, but it is always between the Domme and me, and we both know that is the end of it. When in Dom mode, my play-partner and I share exactly the same limits. So I think you can switch off the sexual envy/jealousy/doubts. Your partner is not having an "affair" with her Dom, simply a BDSM relationship. That does not mean it cannot be close, just not a threat to yours. Enjoy the facets of your life together. | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 9:22 AM De_Luxe UK, 5 yrs |
Welcome to IC, a mine of information. You are right most of us might sound sorted now but for many it has been a slow process of self analysis, and for some of us trial and error, and finally self discovery. I lived most of my adult life vanilla and only discovered the sort of BDSM that suits me 3 years ago when I was 49. I think you might be sub if you enjoy being dominated, or a bottom if you prefer to stick with just the things you want to do, maybe at this point, until you know yourself, you are vanilla with a twist perhaps. But these are just handy labels and we don't all fit neatly into labelled boxes. Same with your lady I can't say if she is switch or dominant with a masochistic side. It doesn't matter so long as your relationship fulfils your needs and enough of your wants to be happy in it. Many relationships don't fit into some ideal world of boy meets girl, dom meets sub and switch meets switch but they are happy and come to a healthy compromise so that they stay together happily. There are two dominant or two sub relationships, one dominant, one switch and a couple of subs relationships and lots more possibilities if that becomes what will make you happiest. In all of them you need to be open and communicate well and be truthful but tactful. Relationships don't have to be one Dominant + one sub or one Top + one bottom it is up to you both. It can be very hard to talk honestly about certain things and the possible answers can be worrying so credit to both of you that you did get over that hurdle. The best person to continue to discuss about where your relationship is going and how you would like it to go is your lady. But, yes, ask questions here too.
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| 17 Sep 09, 9:48 AM prettybelinda 2 yrs |
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. I need to refine one point in my ramble: my partner/mistress is quite clear that when she sees her dom it IS sexual in that she becomes incredibly aroused. It's just not (for her - I don't know about his true wishes but he is pretty experienced so I guess that like an experienced ebay seller he is to be trusted!) about sex in that she has no interest in intimacy with her dom. I think a lot of my confusion and, I admit, a bit of panic IS about betrayal. I know it's not an affair as such - it's just the first time she's had a need she feels I can't satisfy. I found out (by accident) less than three days ago, haven't slept much since and probably feel even more mixed up and uncertain as a result. There is also jealousy - the dom will use her, they will both love it and he will leave marks on her which will be a constant reminder. So I'm going to have to embrace it because I love her and our marriage (she feels the same, I should emphasise) and that's just taking a bit of time. I know I am an absolute ingenue and am probably talking tripe, but any more comments, however harsh but fair, would be most welcome. Thanks again people! Edited 17 Sep 09, 9:52 AM by prettybelinda | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 9:48 AM lima_pink_tigress 3 yrs |
I'm not surprised you feel confused and upset. I think anyone would in your situation. What you have to remember is that this is very new to both of you. although you have had these thoughts and feelings for a long time, your partner has only discovered BDSM in the last six months. I think it's perfectly natural for her to want to explore all avenues of it and for her to be unsure exactly where she fits in and what most appeals. However, seeing a Dom without telling you would ring alarm bells for me. I don't know how open or otherise your relationship is/was before the kink, but I'm guessing from your reaction to this Dom that it was totally monogamous. In which case, her seeing someone else without first discussing it with you is a breach of trust IMO. Now that you do know about it, only you can decide if you're happy for it to continue (perhaps with clear boundaries set as to what they can and can't do).
There is no FAULT in being "subby".
All, any or none of the above. She may be switch or she may be a submissive who tops. It doens't really matter all that much. Just as it doesn't matter whether your sub or just like to cross dress and do kinky stuff. What matters is that you can communicate effectively with your partner and work out the best way for both of you to have your needs met. And a way that both of you are happy with. Have you tried topping her? perhaps under her instruction? It could possibly be a way that she can have her submissive needs met without having to see someone else if you're not happpy about that. But I do think the key for you both is communication (which has obviously been lacking to a certain extent in the past). As with any relationship, you need to be completely open and honest with each other if it has any chances of working. Pink stripey tigresses GIVE pink stripey bottoms | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 10:14 AM prettybelinda 2 yrs |
Thanks for that - it's great to have a disinterested perspective on the situation.
I think you are right: I think we would say we are excellent communicators but because of family circumstances and how deeply she has got into exploring her kink online (often a solitary activity) we probably haven't communicated as well as we think.
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| 17 Sep 09, 11:25 AM AstronautMikeDexter UK(E), 2 yrs |
--- Ha! | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 11:59 AM Jahc99 UK, 5 yrs |
Have you talked to the dom bloke? His attitude and respect for your relationship is kinda critical, me thinks. Why poison your liver when I could eat it for you? | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 2:39 PM ms_chatelaine UK(SW), 4 yrs |
I don't have much to add to what's been said. I feel for both of you, venturing into this unknown territory, hopefully deciding together how to proceed from here. Let's not jump the gun and villify the Lady though. We're only hearing one side of this, don't forget. But prettybelinda, I completely empathise with your pain and confusion and I truly wish you both the best as you work out what you both want and need. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to Women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. | ||||||
| 17 Sep 09, 3:38 PM bi_slave_toni 2 yrs |
As a newcomer my opinion might not count for much, but here's my two penny worth all the same. You are looking at it from the wrong angle. You are sub, and can get all you ened from your wife/Mistress. She has needs of her own that you can't satisfy becasue she has a need to be controled from time to time. You only have three choices as far as I can see. 1) You both give up your kink - her giving up on the Dom while you still get your kicks wouldn't be fair. 2) You give up on the relationship - which would just be plain stupid. 3) You find a way to make it work in a fashion that works for both of you but which takes the potential for jealousy out of the situation. How about actively looking for a Dom/Domme couple - and there are quite a few out there. That way you both get used at the same time. By meeting another couple who are committed to each other but who wany play partners, the potential for jealousy and the need for secret trysts is removed. All in the open. It might just work ? Edited 17 Sep 09, 3:39 PM by bi_slave_toni |
