Posted by Talullah_Red on Wed 16 Sep 09, 9:58 PM to Talullah_Red's blog.
Tags: Liverpool (L)
i love the boy but he is an idiot. i made the desion to just walk away yesterday - for good, thats it, coz i dont need it
it was very hard to do. i wasnt just walking out on 15 years of friendship - the BEST friendship but i was walking out on an amazing lover and possibly the only true friend i ever had, having history and knowing me back to front is a deal breaker for me, i am in no hurry to be in a realtionship of any kind with just anyone for the sake of it, but he was special,knew me back to front and treated me like a princess but he dosent know what he wants and he expects me to put up with him treating my heart carlessly whilst i wait for him to have his cake and eat it. if it was just a nsa that would be fine but it wasnt - and i was rubbish for 7and a half years i was able to detach its only the last 6 months that ive realised that what he is offereing isnt a good enough deal for me!
i have written him a letter only 3 paragraphs coz i have a tendency to ramble and he wont want the drama - ive said i need space to cut ties i didnt put a time scale on it becase it may be forever who knows
i posted it before - ive asked him not to contact me (ill fall to shit if he does and ill be trapped in the same cycle - i need to mend my heart)
i just cant go on with the feeling of just being ok - but not quite good enough - i have no upset or stress in my life - i love my job and whats more i am good at it and i have my breakfast at tiffanys flat in a lovley leafy part of wavertree - so why do i find myslef crying on the 79 bus? i feel really hurt, and annoyed with myself that i could let someone walk all over my feelings and be careless with my heart
ive only ever loved two people (one him) niether of them wanted me. i suck at boys!
i hit rock bottom yesterday evening - i found myself walking for hours and when i looked up i was at julians house (the 2nd one wev've been sepparated after a huge megga love for over 11 years he was my first true love - we are still close friends -nothing in it just mates his parents treat me as oneof thier own even now which i have always been thankful for)
i took the key from where it is hidden and let myself in. no one was home i walked into Julains bedroom and he was sparko out on the bed - i kicked off my shoes and snugged up beside him and slighlently cried whilst he slept. its not even strange that i would turn up to his door when i felt the shittest i have felt ever - its summat ive done even as a kid of 14, about 10 minuets later i felt julians arm go round me and squeeze. hello you he said, are you ok. i said yes he said why you crying? i said i wasnt (i am a girl) he said ok lets just rest then, he started stroking my hair and he said i know you are crying and you dont have to tell me, just let me hug you - there was genuine affetion in that hug so of course i started to cry like a bastard and it all came out - fridge boy had done some really horrible things this week so it really was time to call it a day
we got up outta bed and julian said fix ya mascara were going the pub, so we did i drank way more than i should of for a school night but it made me feel better in between fits of crying! julain reminded me of the pact we had made 14 years ealier! ha ha if we was both single at 31 we would get married - we decided to foret about that - based n the fact we dont love each other in that way and he would end up killing me but we did make a new pact - if we are both single still at 34 and 35 respectivley we would have a baby together - not as mad as it seems - we can quite happily live togther - i have lived with julian and his parents on many occations when ive had no where to go - we know each other inside out and he would make a great dad. mind you this was fuled by 6 pints of fosters and 3 large bacardis! so it may not happen ha ha and the reason my ex who doesnt fancy me or is not in love with me anymore would want to breed with me??? becuase apparently i have an ok face with good bone structure and a boss personality!
even better - he said fuck the turkey baster we will just fuck! - so at least i know ill eventualy get laid! ill miss fridgeboy just for the sex more than anything! haah of course not just the sex but yanno what i mean
i hope one day me and fridge boy can be friends like me and julian. julian is my non sexual soul mate he undertands me completley and he will never throw last night back in my face - he loves me unconditionaly and he gets that back. his is the only family i know apart from our jay.
life without fridgeboy isnt worth contemplating but he will get that letter the day after tomorow so ill just have to find out i guess.
for now i take solace in the fact i have surrounded myself with the best friend possible.
i am so lucky that i have the people i have in my life i really am.
this has been long and ranty
if i ever get involed with another person in a romantic way again just shoot me!
i have empires to build
| 16 Sep 09, 10:25 PM Churon UK(PR), 7 yrs   |
Sorry to hear its never a good thing but sometimes worth the pain to peek around the corner. Good luck with the empire for now x | |
| 16 Sep 09, 11:03 PM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Sometimes things drift for so long that no firm decision can be made and no new order brought in. You and FB were friends who fucked ... yes? When it suited you both over the years. You're gonna be all grown up in a couple of weeks, though, he fitted in with a fluid youthful existence which you've moved on from. Ok, sod this, switch your phone on .... I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol | |
| 16 Sep 09, 11:10 PM Kreeger UK, 4 yrs |
If someone let themselves into my house and got into bed with me I'd shit myself and jump a mile into the air!
But then we're all different. | |
| 17 Sep 09, 7:45 AM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
ha ha ah kreeger ists ok we have an understanding ha ha weve both done it in each others houses for years. lol Peccavi! i only got your ! this morning i was in bed really early last night all that emotion shit shattered me, i am cool i am just gutted coz he was my best mate but best mates dont do what he did,so i am out! have a great time away ill mesage you my adress - id like a post card xxx thanks guys i am over it, really this is something i shoulda done ages ago, i am all fornsf and i have mantained quite a few of these types of 'realtionships' over the years but he kept moving the goal posts we were both guilty of burling the guidlines and it got a bit confusing that la roux whos heard her song? i think she get sonmy tits badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | |
| 17 Sep 09, 7:48 AM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
can i also point out by the way - i am not actually going to have a baby with julez ha ha that wasurley him being sponcered by fosters i have heraps of things to do before (and if) i go there! badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | |
| 17 Sep 09, 7:53 AM LacednLicked UK(WA), 4 yrs |
You are one fo the most beautiful and strong women I know. Sure you have been a soft fool for love but hey you aren't the only one.
Chin up, back straight, tits out now wait there whilst I rack on the dong and resolve the lack of sex issue  | |
| 17 Sep 09, 8:05 AM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | |
| 17 Sep 09, 8:46 AM Achilleus UK(M), 3 yrs |
Reaches for the gun......
Sorry to hear about you and Fridge boy. I do relationship counselling 'cause I have been so successfull
My key is just under the potted plants to the left of my front door, don't disturb the cats and don't give me the cuddle thing...just a BJ | |
| 17 Sep 09, 10:41 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
who needs a key in to get into your house where sex is involved? you installed a revolving door! i am cool yanno - its like a weight has been lifed i got friends i forgot i had - its a win win situation for me, some realationships no matter how much you love the person are just plain bad for you shame it took me 8 years to realsie this but the point is i have now! he changed who i am and what i am is ok actually i am a gobby passionate person who stands by the people i love and doesnt put up with crap! (i got that last bit from a film) (not the bit about being gobby - thats true) he wont get his dear john till the morning i have no intention of answering any calls etc i probably wont get any any way i have asked him not to- ive had a pep talk from the boys tonight! i am hard faced! ha ha thanks you badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | |
| 18 Sep 09, 9:11 AM Achilleus UK(M), 3 yrs |
You move fast, are you now fucking a team of local football players Good luck with it all, stick to your guns hunni. If I find you on your hands and knees outside my front door looking for my key I will......
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