 |
| jules9 |
To cut a long story short, I am undergoing investigation for some quite serious bleeding from my arse. Haemorrhoids have been ruled out and it boils down to infection, polyps or bowel cancer.
My aunty has just been found dead in her home by the police - she was only young, not even 60. She was found dead, alone. She had fallen out with her brother and sister years ago, her brother was contacted by the police, but in his infinite wisdom, decided not to tell the rest of us. It took us phoning the police to ask them to check her house for use to find out that they had already done it, and the results were devastating.
My Uncle has just had to return from holiday early, having needed to be fitted with a catheter to drain the urine that he couldn't pass. He's an enlarged prostate and is under emergency investigations for prostate cancer.
It couldn't get any worse, could it? Wrong, Daddy and I are no longer together. He will always be my Daddy, but after the past few days, I find that I no longer want to be with him. He had warned me that his depressions were major, and that he blanks everyone. He felt one coming on, and decided we needed a couple of weeks apart for him to sort himself out. He's had a dreadful time of it during those two weeks. His young nephew has just died, naturally he is beyond heartbroken. That combined with his depression, meant he couldn't really be there for me whilst I am going through my own fear of cancer.
I accept that I may be being selfish expecting him to send me the odd messages of encouragement throughout the day when he was with his nephew in hospital, but I can't deny that I need the type of man who can do that for me. The type that can take just one minute to be there for me. I refuse to believe that in 24 hours, someone who loves me as much as he claims to have couldn't have sent even just one text, made one call to let me know how things were.
I've nothing bad to say about him, he's the only one that has even came close to making me so happy. On the one hand I'm grateful for all of the great times we have had - after all, it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, yet on the other hand I can't help thinking that I will follow in the footsteps of Anne, dying alone in my flat, with no-one to share the last few minutes of my life. I'm even more scared about it right now because I get my first test results tomorrow. Only bloods, but they should give an indication of what's going on inside my body.
Age is on my side, but I have too many signs and symptoms of bowel cancer not to be very concerned.
Anyway, that's more than enough misery for one blog. Strangely I feel so much better for being able to tell people how I am feeling. My family are far too close and emotional for me to burden them with this, which makes me think how sad it is, that at this time, I no longer have someone to talk to, someone to share my fears and concerns with.
Life genuinely sucks at times.
| 27 Aug 09, 11:46 PM Vampire_bunny 3 yrs |
Holy crap. I'm sorry life sucks so much right now. Let us know how the test results go tomorrow, k? Hope it goes well. Stay strong. |
| 27 Aug 09, 11:53 PM MzStardust UK, 2 yrs |
I think it would take an extremely strong relationship to go through so much and come out the other end unscathed. I wish you well tomnorrow with your results. Maybe at some point you and your daddy might sort things when the sun shines a little brighter upon you both. |
| 27 Aug 09, 11:56 PM GazUK1963 UK(B), 6 yrs |
I hope that you fears are groundless and it turns out to be something minor and easilly treatable. Hugs, Gary x. Everyone who lives dies, but not everyone who dies has truly lived. |
| 27 Aug 09, 11:57 PM MzClio UK(CF), 3 yrs       |
My prayers go with you tonight.. I hope the results are in your favour.... GOD CREATED WOMAN.. AND THEN FOR A JOKE SHE CREATED .....MAN |
| 28 Aug 09, 12:10 AM juggler1000 UK(PL), 4 yrs |
I know you don't know me, but I'm thinking of you - let us know what happens x |
| 28 Aug 09, 12:12 AM maya_lila UK(SE), 5 yrs |
I really hope this turns out to be something minor. Keep your heart up. "It is never too late to be what you might have been."
~ George Eliot |
| 28 Aug 09, 12:22 AM CPeccavi 4 yrs |
Hannnnnng on. Don't know you or Daddy but you say you don't want to burden your family as they are going through so much, yet he is super human? Yes, yes, the female logic inside me agrees with you that a man should be there whenever, no matter what, but some other practical neuron's telling me that that cannot always be the case, he is no more robotic than your family. You are stressed to fook and it's no time to call off a relationship because you won't be able to think clearly. Good luck tomorrow, please try to put major decisions on hold for now. X I think everyone should like everybody ..... Andy Warhol |
| 28 Aug 09, 1:36 AM Demure_Whip_Watcher 2 yrs |
Hi hun been there with the scare factor. Yes it was bad but the fear is worse than the knowledge. Waiting for the results of an MRI is hell. You cannot help but think the worst and yet 99% of the time it is not half as bad as you may think. It was not cancer but it was a tumour and the medication & treatment though rough was do-able. Fortunately it was not Chemo but I have had one friend go through that twice and another 15 years ago and they are both doing great now. It is amazing what they can do now. It is far more likely that you have an internal tear or polyps. Try and think positive though I know you are probably going crazy! It really makes you reassess your life and what you want from it. I went mad stripping off the wallpaper I had been meaning to for the past 10 years. Contacting people I hadn't in years and basically convincing myself that if it was my last year to live it was going to be an f'ing good one. Listing all the things I could realistically do that I had always wanted to and setting time scales to do them.
Thank god it was an over-reaction but it will change your concept of what you want from life whatever the outcome and I am pleased to say I am doing fine now
Age is on your side and will give you all the stamina you need to deal with whatever comes along. Hey you could be right as rain with a dose of antibiotics or a couple of strategically placed stitches under local. I will say it is incredibly hard on those close to you. They can't help as there is nothing they really can do. I didn't get the support or help I needed from my other half even when going through the meds. He couldn't or wouldn't talk about it and although I heard from other sources that he was really worried about it you would never have seen it from where I was sitting. It was like he thought I didn't need chemo so didn't lose my hair so I was therefore prob not that ill after all....
There is nothing more lonely than what you are going through right now. Because they cannot support us in the way we need we blame them in some way for being inadequate when we need them most. Lets face it at least you faced your fear and went to the Dr you know how many don't and though I will be slated for this it does tend to be the men who think if they ignore something long enough it will just go away. And I am NOT saying all men just most of the ones I know If you fancy a chat send me a memo and I will give you my email. I am sure you will be fine whatever the outcome knowing is half of the battle already won. Thinking of you and sending you a great big warm soppy hug. WW xxxx Made entirely of flaws stitched together with good intentions! |
| 28 Aug 09, 1:46 AM GoddessSharon 4 yrs |
So sorry to hear your having a very rough time at the moment.I do hope your results are in your favour.Thinking of you in your hour of need.GoddessSharon x |
| 28 Aug 09, 9:54 AM just_iana UK(SS), 6 yrs |
Jules, my heart goes out to you xx Thats a hell of a lot for each of you to be coping with, and there are times when life just pulls at you, and you partner can help you, but there are also times when you both get pulled, and just can't get the headspace to deal with it.. Keep comms open with your Daddy, i totally understand what you say about finding one moment in a day to text, i feel the same, and i fret the same too, but the practical part of me knows that just sometimes it isnt that easy. Maybe he feels he cant burden you too, you understand that for your family, try and see it from his point too? Maybe he just needs a little bit of time to deal with his grief, so that he can be your Daddy..grief is a strange thing, there is no one way to deal with it, and no one way it affects us, but unless it is dealt with is can do damage, so maybe he just needs to cope in his way. As do you sweety, and you have fears for you too, i had a bowel cancer scare a few years ago, and actually after months of invasive procedures and sleepless nights it was something minor, and quickly sorted, but i was bloody terrifed, and angry too, and didnt tell anyone so i sort of closed down to everyone, to scared to say what it was..if i did talk about it i almost resented the person for knowing..so i was very hard on people, and on me... i am here if you ever want to talk, but please please dont make huge decisions just now sweety huge huge and kisses for you iana xxx |
!!! 