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| ikklesammy |
I have been having sooo many emotions recently and today I am going through shy.
I want to play. I want to play really really badly but I have a bazillion things I have to do plus I have noone to play with. You know if I did have someone to play with i'm not sure i'd beable to. I think I may have lost my touch. We have people come round, Narxn came round, jane and lillian and sharon and gary they've all been round, and each time i've just wanted to get out the colouring crayons or the duplo or the blocks or anything and I havent and then they go away and I feel like i've missed an opportunity. I feel miserable for about 20 minutes then the feeling goes away and thats the end of that. I want to be small, but i'm no longer sure if thats even possible.
Am I growing out of me being AB? I dont honestly know. I mean sure im in nappies 24/7 but like i've said numerous times in this blog, that doesnt make me AB. Its like my little side lets me feel all these extra emotions that as big me I dont really let myself feel. Back when I was in denial about my whole AB thing, when I was a teenager, I was a very calm very diplomatic sort of person, it was very difficult to get me angry or sad, but equally it was tricky to get me to laugh, it was like bottling up all the negative feelings had a knock on effect on the positive ones. I'm not sure if im explaining this right...
You know how I say that sammy is a really important part of me, well I think perhaps shes the bit that lets me feel those emotions I dont see that im nessecarily allowed to display in my grown up state. so when I get to be sammy then for a while afterwards I feel really vibrant and happy as an adult because some of those repressed emotions get to show for a bit. well sometimes they dont even show, but the fact that they could show makes all the difference.
I think it comes from my parents saying I had to be responsble and grown up, so when things did upset me I would go to my room, bury my head under the pillow on my bed and cry really really quietly so noone would know that I was crying. Showing emotions like being sad infront of my sisters would just make me think I wasnt being responsible I had to be strong from them and my parents. so these days I try really hard not to cry
A couple of times i've been upset at work. I am usually good at hiding when im sad but If people ask me whats the matter, then I just break down because I guess looking psychologically at it, I feel I dont deserve people noticing that im upset and then I feel relieved (or is that cherished?) That someone has noticed that im upset. someones taken the time to worry about me, and then that brings guilt.
So I know this sounds odd to those of you who know me, but I feel really shy today, like the new girl at playgroup sort of shy, who would hide behind her daddys legs if someone spoke to her. Odd huh. I dont feel confident or brave I just wanna curl up with my blankee watch mulan (which I cant cause I leant it to a girl at work) suck my binkie and fall asleep. Instead i'm going to write my OU essay, tidy the house, maybe crochet a few squares for my latest project and then go to a punk festival.
I'm going to enjoy all the things I am going to do today...well maybe all except the tidying and the essay writing...I enjoy my adult life all the things I do, i'm very lucky, and when im doing all my grown up things today, I will imagine that my little me will be out in the garden digging up worms and toddling around with a bucket of them, showing the best ones to her daddy and he'll ruffle her hair and say "thats nice poppet now why dont you put them all back", or building a fort out of a sheet and some chairs and the dining room table, having an adventure, keeping provisions of a half chewed digestive biscuit and a half eaten packet of wotsits while she imagines that this fort is her house and she has to protect it from any wandering lion cats. And in my head sammy will do all these cool things and I will be happy for her. And she wont know me, and thats the way its supposed to be.
| 22 Aug 09, 12:17 PM shyquiet UK(SP), 3 yrs  |
Hello here is one shy you could feel  | |
| 22 Aug 09, 12:55 PM FairyGirl UK(YO), 3 yrs   |
Goodness me, that is a lot of a shy feeling. Poor you. I find that I get shy when getting to know someone who is playing Daddy, but they all seem to have a different way of coaxing it out of me. And even then I'm constantly looking back up and implying "Am I doing okay? Am I allowed to do this?" I don't think thats quite what you're explaining, but I do understand the whole ideology of the little expressing the emotions that the big isn't really supposed to.
"Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. | |
| 22 Aug 09, 4:48 PM ikklesammy UK(HP), 5 yrs |
Thanks for that. Its good to know that someone understands what i'm trying to say. Its tricky sometimes. I mean I love my husband completely, sometimes though I just feel really alone, even though i'm not by any means, and I think if my little side could be let out a little more, then that feeling might ebb.
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