Emotional Denial (12)

It just sounds like a minor glitch in communication to me. Nothing that simply bringing it to his attention probably wouldn't fix.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I find there's a problem with anyone who cares for us - they either want to fix it or deny anythings wrong. This could be because they feel they can't help or are in some way to blame. Obviously sometimes there is something wrong which can be helped by advice but other times just getting it out to someone prepared to listen is all thats needed.

This is fairly common and could be nothing, or it could be quite bad.

The important thing here is that your partner does not control your feelings. He cannot flick a switch to make you feel good or feel bad.

It is up to you to figure out why you feel bad (eg too much is happening all at once) and (in my opinion) up to yo uto communicate that. Hopefully your partner will listen to you and help you figure out what is wrong rather than assume that you are over-reacting.

not sure this is just in relationships either, my best friend would be the same, actually IS the same..has to fix things....sometimes we just feel bleugh...

i blame mine on hormones! it doesnt even need to be my hormones!!!

I do think you're all right... it IS a fairly normal, (is it fair to say?) typically *male* reaction... and quite possibly even more so, a *dominant* male reaction...

I do have to say that in my case, it's still been happening rather too often recently but suspect that may be more due to the fact that "he" is feeling less capable of fixing things, than due to any lessening of concern with regard to my feelings.

I'm going to try to learn that just because someone else says I shouldn't be feeling in a particular way, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm *wrong* to feel that way... and then work on being a bit more tolerant when people don't necessarily react the way I'd like them to.

Thanks again. gidjit x

I think there's a big difference between A) not understanding why you feel sad or whatever and the male reaction of 'wanting to fix it' and feeling frustrated because they can't compared with B) invallidating your feelings and telling you that you shouldn't feel that way.

I would be more worried about B, as it would make me feel that I couldn't be honest & open about how I am feeling, which isn't really very good in a relationship.

I hope that with some communication you'll be able to clear things up.

~ If you must pick the lesser of two evils; choose the one you've never tried before. ~

I think you expressed it very well and I do have to say that in my case, I'm still not 100% sure whether it falls into category A or B.

It certainly *feels* like B a lot of the time, and yes I am aware that just recently I've been starting to try and censor what I say/show which is obviously not "a good thing" as far as relationships go... but I'm also trying to look on the positive side of things and assume that it's actually an A situation until I'm absolutely sure it's not...

Hmm... I think it's *me* not expressing things very clearly now

gidjit x

I use this time to think about my submission to him and anything I'm struggling with.

I also have to write a daily diary to express anything I'm feeling and we talk things through and he gently guides me.

I find actually putting thoughts down in writing gets them out of my head and I can often see things more clearly in black and white.

I told Himself he could read it, there's nothing I would put in there, or anywhere, that I wouldn't want Him to see or know. This gives Him time to digest what I've written without me getting over emotional trying to tell Him.

Sometimes the act of writing it down is enough to get it out of my system and cope with it. Sometimes Him reading it and just giving me a cuddle without any words makes it better and other times we can sit and discuss it and He can try and help, or try and fix it.

Communication is not just about conversation.

Give most blokes flat pack furniture and he can usually put it together without instructions. Give him a woman who needs something to do with emotions and he's no idea where to start.

Maybe he doesn't know or understand what you'd like or need him to do in this kind of situation. However, if you give him some of your basic operating instructions in a manual he'll be fine

Minxy

Favourite quote of the moment:
"Why does everything I whip leave me???" by Homer Simpson

I've encountered a range of approaches to people being emotionally unsettled.

In the harsher areas of business life, the powers that be adpt a somewwhat bevaviourist model, not acknowledging unobservable inner feelings except inasmuch as they affect job performance (including communication style). This is partly because maing allowances for feelings is a bit of a minefield as regards fair and equal treatment, but also partly from a political stance - that the more one makes allowances for emotional vulnerability, the more people will be incentivised to exhibit it and exploit the allowances. A tough stance gives peopple targets and incentives to overcome their emotional vulnerability and snap out of it.

There is I believe some truth in this stance; I know for my own part that sometimes I have a choice between entering into a downward spiral of wallowing in self pity until I become depressed, incompetent, lethargic and unmotivated on the one hand, or on the other hand motivating and energising myself to get on with life in spite of setbacks.

But as I suggested I find that stance at times too harsh and unfeeling. Cerainly when with others I tend naturally adopt a very empathic stance. Someone was suggesting to me yesterday that I ought to be a bit kinder to myself too in getting over a recent traumatic experience.

I think different approaches are relevant for different people at different times and circumstances. Sometimes we need comfort and succour and time to recreate and rebuild, sometimes we just need a kick up the backside.

Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/226772/