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| alexandraa |
Its the aniversary of my divorce this weekend, 4 years ago now and nearly 5 years ago I split up with my husband. I met him just over 20 years ago now, sodding hell, went out with the poor bugger on the rebound when I was a few days over 21 and ended up marrying him. I have a certain amount of guilt within me for that but you see at the time I thought settling for safe and secure, reliable and predictable was a good thing. Was I insane? No just absolutely had no self confidence and knew he loved me and thought that was enough.
Pity of it was I knew even that young that BDSM was my kick and knew too he wasn't into it unless it was me tying him up. I remember him spanking me once, just sex play in bed dont know how it came about but we'd been laughing and teasing each other and he spanked me. When he realised it made me utterly horny he backed right off. He didn't like that and never did it again. More's the pity.
He told me I was frigid. I never had the heart to tell him I wasn't and that it was simply I found sex with him incredibly dull and boring. I didnt like the way he smelt either. Hahahah no no I'm serious. Was more than that too I found him incredibly dull and boring. What had seemed safe, reliable and secure turned into monotony and scorn. The rows we used to have. I would scream at him in hatred and frustration over all sorts of things. I mean really really scream. He would shout back too, cheeky bastard.
I look back at that and hardly recognise myself. I know my friends that knew me then hardly recognise me now. My friends that know me now wouldn't believe I used to be that miserable angry woman.
When I left him you'll never guess what I thought. I wanted BDSM and I wanted to move well away from Yorkshire. I never set out to actually do that. I was in fact convinced I was to be sad and lonely cat woman. I had some vague idea I would end up in some small village with about 30 cats and no friends or lovers. Yet somehow I got my dream, it happened to me. I must have driven it somewhere somehow I suppose and yet it has almost been an accident of fate that I have BDSM in my life, a whole fabulous network of wonderful trustworthy friends and most amazing of all I live in London. Plus I have a most fabulous job that I find really fulfilling and they keep promoting me.
Great isnt it. I've had my ups and downs but my god have I ever packed it into these last few years.
Nemesis too this weekend. Cant wait to see all my friends again. Evil twin too and her new horse hair flogger. That should be interesting.
Edited Wed 22 Sep 04, 6:46 PM by alexandraa
