Aftercare (35)

skadii wrote: ^^^ Tis true, if my lovely Captain has beaten me into a little sobby mess then sometimes it's her who needs cuddling and reassuring that I enjoyed it and she's not a mean evil beast. Well, not in a bad way anyway.

yeah it does tend to work both ways doesn't it. I guess that's the symbiotic nature of a good D/s dynamic.

"...there is a sum of evil equal to the sum of good, the continuing equilibrium of the world requires that there be as many good people as wicked people..."
DivinesDoll

Good aftercare to me is the aftercare that that particular two people need anything from none to masses.

about 2 days after play, usually the afternoon of the second day. Sub drop to me can be anything from a slight bout of feeling flat to it feeling like there is a huge, gaping black hole at my core. It's not nice but highs with lows and all of that.

I don't think you can stop it. Sugar and fluids at the time, maintain the fluids, apparently potassium is good (bananas) allow yourself to feel whatever you are, recognise that it is a drop, it will pass and look after yourself in whatever way you need. If you know your routine tell the person you are playing with (if that fits with your dynamic)just in case there is a random phone call or text message.

not at all, I have had drop when I have had nothing heavy done to me and been fine when I've had a serious session. The problem with thinking that it depends on the intensity is that the demon of insecurity will whisper 'it wasn't that bad your being over sensitive'

Yep that sounds familiar. I think a lot of the time we just need to give ourselves a break and accept that there will be times when it's tough, remeber the great times and that whoever you have played with is not likely to have grown a second head and become a serial killer, They don't suddenly despise you or whatever else your head is telling you. you trusted yourself enough to trust them so trust yourself enough to continue to do so and allow yourself to process and deal with your bodies wibble!

IMO of course!

*Edited to add*

I've just realised that I didn't make it obvious here that this works both ways, I kind of take that forgranted. I've had some strange looks and comments when I ask 'are you ok?' It's draining for both people playing on a lot of levels and so all aftercare should work both ways.

"Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear."
(Blackadder- Amy and Amiability)

Edited 15 Jul 09, 5:32 PM by PhoenixAmber

So the first time after play when he curled up and started shaking, it wasn't anything learnt from anyone else that kicked in, just the instinct to protect him and care for him. After all, I'd just put him (willingly, of course) in this position, hadn't I?

Every time now after a session he 'drops' almost immediately. From the intensity of the session, and as he has described it, the feeling of disappointment that it's over. Sometimes his eyes are wet, most of the time he shivers like he is cold, occasionally he'll seek reassurance that he did well (when something has happened during the session that he has perceived in head-space-land to be 'his fault'). To me it is a wonderful thing to have him in my arms, taking care of him and telling him how proud I am of him. And from there we usually discuss how it went, if new things worked or didn't, how it felt, both of us understanding more about ourselves and each other every time.

Thinking about this now, is this sub-drop? It's the point where all the chemicals kick in and the emotions are raw but it's not really a 'low' point, it's an intimate end to the session. And a part of it that I adore just as much as the play.

Perhaps the real drop comes a day or so later when the fls does get down. Unfortunately I can't always be there in person when this happens so I rely on him to at least hint that he's not feeling great so I can reassure him again, and let him know how much I enjoyed our session. The term 'sub-drop' seems to be applied to both these kinds of scenarios, so I'm not sure whether the latter is still 'drop' or perhaps it's more to do with the fact that I can't always be there after we've shared the experience.

I couldn't agree more x

quote=Jahc99]

And if you spent a full on weekend with a cane wielding rope head-fuck manic, who threw you head first into spaces you have never been before, would you not be just a leeetle bit annoyed if he didn't answer you e mails?

The last couple of threads about aftercare failed pretty miserably, because people were talking about entirely different things. Let's not make that mistake again.

Because when I know I have taken people to new horizons, part of the responsibility I take, there, is being around to talk it through, chew the fat, at least try to make sense of it all, so to speak.

This stuff we do can stir very deep and powerful forces within us, and they are not entirely predictable. Some will just wipe their dick, and walk away. I will not force any silly ritualised 'aftercare' on anybody, but I will do my damnedest to be there if needed. [/quote]

changeling221

Now in a 24/7 relationship the fundamental aspects of 'aftercare' are already present. I don't have to worry if I made a good choice or if I can trust my Mistress, I know those things already. I know my Mistress is there for me whenever I need her so I don't need reassurance in the form of texts or e-mails etc on that count. The care is ongoing, and as someone pointed out in another thread, with 24/7 there is no 'after' anyhow. I am usually expected to get up and make drinks as soon as I am able and very often sent home pretty soon after any BDSM activity.

I have enjoyed a very broad range when it comes to 'aftercare'. I have a lovely memory of sitting by a real fire wrapped in a blanket sharing hot tea and white green and blacks chocolate with the friend I had just played with. I also smile about the time that my Mistress sent me home so wobbly that I kept hallucinating trees were people and had to stop and try three times to read the sign on my road because I wasn't sure I was in the right place!! (I should note that my Mistress has said she doesn't intend to send me home in that state again after realising quite how bad I was!)

"Don't Dream It - Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

I hate aftercare if I have had intense impact on me.

At times when my limits are pushed to the edge I really do not, ever want aftercare.

At those times aftercare involves him walking away and leaving me to recover.

I will go to him when I am sufficantly calm and able to cope with being spoken to or touched.

I have been known to walk away from a budding relationship because he did not respect my need to have a lack of physical aftercare.

It seems that some Doms need to give aftercare and struggle when it is not needed.

Others cope brilliantly when I have explained why I don't want/need it. After the session and all is calm I have gone to them and we have been close, how wonderful to be respected and understood through every part of the session. One of the most memorable times was with an IC poster in Manchester. It was a perfect weekend

One of my reasons for disliking aftercare are to do with the physiological adrenalin enhanced state my body has when in intense impact play. I need time to calm down, otherwise the adrenalin makes me angry and I will lash out (the first time that happened we were both shocked), not because I am topping from the bottom,; but it is the 'fight/dlight' issue

The second reason is that it seems akin to domestic abuse. He hurts her, he says she was asking for it/needed it/made him. He feels guilty, helps her to recover and then buys flowers.

Ok, I know some of that will not make me popular, but in my warped mind, that is how it stacks up.

YMMV