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| alexandraa |
Its odd how things turn out. I dont mean by any stretch of the imagination that I see myself in a pattern that might not change from here on forward, christ sake i'm a meer babe. Just managing to walk in this deviant world. Dont know where my life might take me yet. I have no expectations other than having fun and being happy. Got me to thinking about my expectations many years ago when I was 20 or so and of course completely grown up...
I got married quite young to a "safe bet". Nice quiet reliable predictable controllable man. I saw my life mapped out, nice house, good pension, mortage paid off early, materially sound and emotionally settled. I lived it for 16 years and absolutely hated every minute of it. Sexually dull beyond belief too.
Why did I get into that in the first place? Lack of confidence I think. Bizarrely among my friends I always had a reputation for being confident and assured. Decisive and organised. I never saw myself like that. I knew I tried to appear confident but personally saw that confidence as a frail creature, a front, a facade, a paper thin crust over a low self esteem and an abyss full of unhappiness.
I look at my confidence today and see it as strong. Solid, certain, definite. It fills me. I know what I am. I know I am happy. I am smiling now, big happy grin. I dont know what challenges life will continue to bring but I feel uttterly capable of dealing with whatever comes my way. A positive attitude and high self esteem will go far no matter what comes. I am in a great place, really really great place.
I am lucky. I had someone bring all of that out. Yes it was always there but I never truly believed in myself. I was a pretender.
Now I live it for real and it gives me such certainty, such peace. I marvel at the character of the man that gave all this to me. It's what we all look for in our Dominants I suppose that they do truly bring us into our own true strengths. Strong too is the Dominant that can stand back and let that power go.
The last few months have given me a very different perspective of D/s. I see I do not need to be utterly possessed and owned. I might desire it perhaps again one day with the right person. But I do not need it. I needed it for a time but right now I need freedom.
I like what I have learnt. I like how I have grown and developed. I like what I see now.
I like myself at last.
I never forget who put me here.
Edited Wed 15 Sep 04, 6:33 PM by alexandraa
