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| alexandraa |
When I look back I seem to have wandered through life making and shedding friends almost with the seasons.
I left my ex husband of 15 years and lost friends. I allowed that to happen because I felt he needed them more than I did, he was forcing them to choose and I wanted to build a new life. Lost him as a friend too of course but I couldn't see a positive way to maintain that relationship.
I then went with a tosser that bullied and abused me and lost more friends because he drove them away and they made me choose. Then I lost more when I was with Colbeh because of the dynamic I had choosen to live. Lost more still when we split and I realised some weren't there for me when I needed them most. I'm talking serious need here and I think that scared them. Some even ignored desperate pleas for help and company. I'm forgiving but some things you dont forget and the trust is never there the same.
I understand its always hard for people to face relationship breakdown. It makes them look at their own and wonder. But still I am always there for my friends at times of need. I have been conscious of late that I have been unable to give. I've had enough to contend with in my own life but I'm coming back into my own and managed to help a friend through a bad time this weekend.
Why do we always run from the things we fear? Do I run anymore? I dont think I run as much as I used to. Thats yet another thing Colbeh taught me - to face my fears.
My god how careless am I? So many friends scattered behind me like confetti.
I have one vanilla friend that has stuck with me no matter what bless her cotton socks. She even knows all about my life style and took that in her stride.
How fabuolous to have friends that dont judge. How rare is that? A very very rare thing. In fact I could count on one hand my friends that have that golden attitude.
I lost my best friend ever of course when Colbeh and I parted. So fucking sad we cant be friends but I know as well as the next person we'd leap on each other if we saw each other. (Well so long as he would allow it). I wonder after these few weeks whether his control would still hold me. He never did allow me to run and jump at him, he loved controlling that urge in me. But now I think I'd take the displeasure. I'd bowl him over like an exuberannt labrador if I saw him. I'd have to drag him to the nearest dark alleyway.... or maybe not lol. I think that raised eyebrow would catch and hold me.
I made some fabulous friends too. Good honest and true to the end of the day. I hate to think where I would have been if evil twin hadn't been around for me lately.
Cheers to friends past present and future. Our experiences make us what we are and personally I am happy with what I am.
Edited Tue 10 Aug 04, 7:29 PM by alexandraa
