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| alexandraa |
I was absolutely amazingly lucky to have had a relationship like the one I had with Colbeh is what I think. I learnt early and quickly what the reality of Ds can be, and to me, should be. Not fantasy land malarky lets move swiftly though 357 slave positions while dancing and smiling pleasingly for the master's eye. But in fact a deep, meaningful mutually fulfilling positive relationship.
There are many that let the fantasy consume them. Each to their own but for those that might be seeking a path here is my journey my first steps into the lifestyle and the time when i met Colbeh and gave myself to him over 2 glorious years ago. Sad that its over but oh so fabulous that it happened.
I hope it helps some that are seeking. Set your sights so very high people....
ALEXANDRA'S JOURNEY
There once was a girl who tried to please and felt she failed. It seemed she had a caring family, it seemed she had friends, it seemed she had many people in her life but somehow she felt alone. The girl grew older, lonely yet surrounded. People seemed to like her. They took from her. She gave unconditionally. She found comfort in pleasing and giving and yet, and yet she was so alone. No-one touched her mind, no-one gave to her.
The girl matured quickly and with that maturity came sexual interest. Here again she was alone. She was aware her friends did not have the same interest or arousal, aware that she was far more sexual, feeling in deep need of something she couldn't grasp. Her sexual interest orientated on strange things….. she wanted to be tied, bound, used, controlled, dominated, flogged, tormented. She wanted to feel pain. She wanted to feel helpless. Things that clearly horrified her friends. Her first tentative moves to discuss sex and her feelings were soon quashed, suppressed and put away in a dark corner of her mind. She modified her behaviour, blended with the crowd, attempted to behave as her peers behaved.
She grew older, left home, developed, but always aware of her secrets, her wishes, her desires, always aware she was alone in these thoughts. She grew barriers, controlled her behaviour, built her defences but her nature always crept through. Before she knew it she was giving again, asking for nothing, trying to please. People sucked her dry and yet, and yet she gave still more.
She found a man, who seemed loving and caring, a good man so people said. “You won't go far wrong with him”. He wanted her that was clear, she could give him so much. And she did. She gave love, support, comfort, everything she could give, she gave. And always she wondered…. What about me? Who gives to me?
She gave for a long, long time. Years and years until finally the day came when she simply could give no more. She was filled with need herself, longing, desire, a sexual awareness that overwhelmed her, drove her mad and wild. She broke. She had given to the extent of her ability. The depth of her own needs overwhelmed her and she found strength in that. Suppressing her need to please others, she left him.
People who knew her were astonished. They saw a change. She reigned in her need to please and give, she controlled it tightly, and pleased herself. She annoyed many of her friends as she did not give as she had always given. They could not handle that. They could not find it in themselves to give to her instead.
She did go wild, experimented madly, moving from one partner to another, and this time always, always in control. Yet she searched, searched hard for a man that could make her complete, a man that would give and yet control. A man that would look at her and say - I am here to hold you safe.
She still had many fantasises, many dreams compacted into dark quiet corners of her mind. Dreams she did not and would not share with any. She felt the need for dominance, the need for pleasure and pain combined, the need for control, the wish to be loved and cherished. Such a mix of needs, she felt it wrong, strange, abnormal. She kept it suppressed.
She made a mistake. She met another man who pursued her furiously, wanted her as his, needed her in his grasp and control, to display as a trophy. A woman to please him and fill his needs, to be bullied and kept just where he wanted her. She thought he loved her. She thought he was what she had been searching for. She made another mistake, a terrible mistake, she dropped her hard built barriers and controls. She opened to him, let him right in. Foolish mistaken woman she was. She saw his bullying as control, his possession as love, she was wrong. He demanded everything of her and gave her nothing. He wanted nothing of hers to be left as her own. She entered a dark time.
She fell into her behaviour patterns of pleasing and giving, caring and providing. This time she was consumed and crushed. Her every move was calculated to please and not to provoke. She entered a time of chaos and crisis. Somehow she knew it wasn't right, somehow she knew it should be different, there must be more, there must be better than this. She cried alone late into the night and in the early hours of the mornings, moments when she had peace and distance from him. He would not take her tears, they infuriated him. She thought it must be her. She was not giving enough, not pleasing enough, not doing enough. She strived harder. She lost her own self in her efforts to please. Her world was dark and lonely, so very dark and lonely.
Then one day a chink of light.
She had for a while been dabbling on the net looking and searching under domination and submission. Reading and exploring. Chatting to people. Then she stumbled into a room that seemed a little different, a touch more serious, with people who were clearly friends. She watched, she read some more, she whispered a little. Careful of who she spoke to and how she spoke. She wasn't quite sure of the power dynamic. Not sure of how to speak without causing offence. She felt intimidated by the teasing and familiarity of the chatroom members. Yet desperately she wanted to join in. The whispering she could handle, she took back a little control and she teased and tormented, gave as good as she got. She had fun, she felt there could be something here for her.
There was trouble. He found out, the dark bullying man. This was something she had kept back, hidden from him. He tried to make her stop using the net. She couldn't. It was like a drug, a lifeline. He turned from mental to physical abuse, accusing her, this is what you want well take it. He humiliated her, tormented her, bullied and abused her. She didn't care, she was deep in the abyss, there was no way further down she could go. She stood up to him, a little here, a little there. She stood up for herself and she used the net. She would not let that lifeline go.
She played online and she played for real. Lightly, shallowly, she did not go deep. She would maintain control not get emotionally involved. She kept it hidden and secret, and learnt and wanted more and more. She learnt there was more to this than meets the eye. She had not seen the depth, the power exchange and communication, the love, everything that is D/s. She had not seen it and did not believe it. By this time she had compartmentalised sex, did not see love as a necessary component. She was happy exploring and taking what she could. She stayed tightly in control, playing and watching, keeping her inner self hidden.
Then beyond belief she found Him. A Man that listened to her. her world turned up side down, almost overnight. It started in a little way. A chance meeting on the room, a cheeky whisper to an unknown Dom. He asked her to send an email and so she did. she sent Him a little about her life and thoughts. He responded, the emails flowed. She was swept away, astounded, astonished, never before had anyone made her think like this. He dug and delved. He learnt what made her tick, sought out her innermost thoughts, made her look at her own behaviour. He helped her make connections. He seemed to know how her mind worked, He understood why she did the things she did. He knew what she was seeking.
It was fabulous she couldn't believe it and not only had she found a Man that listened but a Man that helped, strove to support her, mend her and build her, enable and empower her. And what did He ask in return? …………everything.
It frightened her of course and yet there was something here. she knew fundamentally here was a Man that would take everything and give too. A Man that would protect and care for her like nothing she had ever experienced. It was not hard after all. And so she gave, with pleasure, happiness and fulfilment, she gave Him everything. she flung herself wide open and threw everything to Him, including her love, devotion and full submission. She was not mistaken.
They had contact online and on the phone for a few short weeks and then arranged to meet. she had no doubt, no doubt at all. She loved Him already, trusted Him deeply. It was madness, fantastical, crazy. How could this be, surely it was foolishness. How could a Man have slipped into her mind like this? Know her so well, predict her behaviour, control her, adore her, protect her.
She met Him. She was terrified. Not of Him, nor the play, nor the sex. she was terrified He would find her wanting. That He would not desire her, nor take her submission. She shook with fear. She had no need. She was all He wanted and He was all she wanted.
She gave Him everything without question and without demand. She had come home, here she was safe at last.
He holds her now in the palm of his hand, His love, protection and control so very very clear to her. Her love, devotion and submission so very very clear to Him. she trusts Him completely, utterly, without question. She would give Him anything He asked, do anything He asked. He cares for her completely, her well-being is central to Him.
She is safe now. She knows it. And each and every one of her fantasies has been fulfilled. She relaxes in the arms of her Master. He is there in her mind, surrounding her, holding her, caring for her. She feels Him around her day and night, holding her tight, protecting her, guiding her, controlling her, loving her.
She is happy, so very very happy. THE JOURNEY CONTINUES……… she wrote the above over a year ago and now? Now she is held tighter than ever. Now she knows what it means to give herself utterly. she is His possession. He requires complete unquestioning obedience, total respect. He never gives an inch, never allows a slip, unless it pleases Him to do so. He is strict, harsh and demanding. she needs that. she needs His total relentless merciless control. Craves to feel it tight around her. The tighter the better. His absolute ownership of her fills her with pleasure, gives her a strange power, a peacefulness. she is cherished, loved and adored just as she cherishes, loves and adores. It is a perfect circle of energy, no build up of resentment, no draining of emotions. Everything she invests is returned. There is nothing that He does not guide her in, no decision that is hers to tackle alone.
Do not think her weak. she is strong. Stronger than she has ever been. she is a vibrant, confident, clear thinking woman held by the Man she loves and desires above all else. she is utterly controlled and yet in control of her life for the first time ever. She is totally owned yet has freedom like never before.
she gives herself to Him completely, nothing withheld, nothing excluded, no limits. she is His to do with as He chooses. And what does He choose? He chooses to take everything she gives, He takes her and uses Her, down to the very soul of her, and then He adds to it and gives it back.
Happy? A small word like that can't encompass her joy in His ownership. she is in ecstasy. she has what she always sought.
There is no better place for her than here. His. Always and forever. i love You Master.
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I wrote that last update probably 8 months ago and yes I am now without Him. But he is there still in my mind controlling and guiding. He laid so many good foundations for me. He holds me safe even though he cant be there for me any more. Everything he gave me will hold me safe until I find another marvellous man to hold me safe once more.
You will know my readers I am not ready for that and now you can see why. You have a small window into my life with Colbeh. You can see the depth we had and each and everyone of you should not settle for less.
I will not settle for less. I will have fun and laughter but I will not settle for less in the long term.
Always and forever that man will be inside my heart and mind. That very very special man.
Edited Sun 8 Aug 04, 7:25 PM by alexandraa
