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| alexandraa |
Yes I have a troupe of mad northern monkeys visiting me as of tomorrow. For a whole week. What do they say? Save us from Hell, Hull and Halifax. Too chuffing right. I know, I know, as much as I love my friends to pieces they drive me crazy when they stay for more than a day (except evil twin). So how am I going to manage? I thought I'd dig the sex weapons out, dust them off and crack the hell out of them if they annoyed me - that's how.
Will they mind? Dont know, dont care, its all part of the bed and breakfast London tour bitch service and about time some bugger got a thrashing. Sounds fair huh?
It was their son that coined the "sex weapon" phrase last year when they stayed. His parents told me not to hide our equipment because he'd never go into my bedroom and if he did he wouldn't think anything of them. So I left them all out.
About 2 days into the holiday he drags his Dad off (looking around furtively) and says "pssst Dad have you seen those sex weapons in Alex's bedroom?".
Where do they get it from? How does a boy of 9 look at things like that and understand they are erotic in nature? A day or so later he came into my bedroom while I was there and pointed to the umbrella stand full of crops and canes and said in an authorative voice, "I know what those are for". I though oh lordy here we go. Then he says "You use those for horses".. Ahhh phew I thought and hastily agreed. Then he points at the coat hooks full of floggers and paddles etc and says, "and you use those on Colbeh". Choke...
Hahahahhaha well anyone that knew us would know just what would have happened to me if I'd so much as raised an eyebrow at Colbeh never mind a paddle. But in the interests of preserving innocence I said, "No no they're just for decoration we dont use them at all for anything...." and if you believe that.... You deserve a beating...
Oh and when they got back home and term started. Oh yes... Wait for this.....
His mum got called into school. Report to the headmistress at once. They had been having a sexual education class (my they do start them young nowadays) and the son puts his hand up and says, "Miss you cant have proper sex without weapons....."
His mum explained it away by saying they'd stayed with friends in London (you know what they're like down there) and he'd found a vibrator. She was beetroot red but it made me laugh myself sick.
I dread to think where that will end up as he matures... at least he knows he can come to his Aunty Alex for advice. And yes this time the sex weapons are all safely put away.
Edited Fri 30 Jul 04, 7:58 PM by alexandraa
