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| alexandraa |
Over the weekend i watched a very interesting programme called Status Anxiety, it was talking about loads of us being unhappy about what we have achieved in our lives because modern society encourages us to set our expectations too high. It got me to thinking about a number of things including something my evil twin said lately about things she takes for granted. You know by now i'm in a relationship with a married man and yet i'm happier than i have ever been. How can that be? Its not just that i'm happier emotionally and mentally, but i'm happier in my work, happier in everything i do. i have a skip in my step and rarely feel negative things like anger, sadness or jealousy (except of course my jealous rages should another sub dare speak to M)(evil twin excluded.... mostly).
I have this lack of craving for things out of my grasp for a number of reasons. Due to a nasty mixed financial history I live a fairly simple life and rarely give a thought to having a bigger TV, a gas BBQ, to keeping up with whatever the Jones's might have. Its just not possible and so i banish it from my thoughts and have learnt to live happily within my means (with the odd helping hand from M).
There was a time in the past when my life was hollow and empty even though I had everything, a beautiful detached house in a rurtal, setting close to the marvellous city of York, 2 cars, big TV, you name it and we had it. I had status anxiety, craved to fill my life with material things, prove my success to my peers, achieve, move to bigger houses, get bigger cars, get promotion etc etc. I was miserable.
The programme claimed that it was all about self esteem. It said the measure of your self esteem was equal to your success, divided by your own expectations of success.
Interesting i thought and i can see why i am happy now.
My self esteem is high, i consider myself to be successful and my expectations of my own success are no more than i have now. Just one small thing i'd like a place i can call my own but i know in a year or so i will be able to achieve that too.
I thought you also need to apply that to your emotional self to understand your happiness and contentment. You need to think what is your expectation of being emotionally happy. That is the key thing for me. I've bene there done it had the T shirt a couple of times actually and know that nothing matters more to me than being emotionally fulfilled. Everything else is pants.
My relationship with M fulfills me like nothing else. Yes i've had a fabulous few days with him and a fabulous couple of years too. And yes its fucking hard sometimes when i just want to turn and say something, or reach across the bed to him, or read him a poignant sentance from a book, laugh with him at a TV programme, or just snuggle against him and smell his skin. But you know what? He never ignores me, never hurts me by saying something thoughtless, always thinks of me, never blames me for his mistakes, never yells at me, gives me buckets full of love and affection oh and is completely controlling devious and evil.
I get more from him than any man has ever given me. Of course i want more but that's an expectation that is managed. This weekend was blissful but also so precious because of its rarity and that in its self is good too. Because its rare its all the more appreciated and fabulous. This is the other part of the equation where he controls my expectations, keeps me grounded and within the whole of our relationship he keeps me happpy, gives me a high self esteem and gives me so so much quality time. Andddddddddddd i dont ever have to wash his socks. How good is that?? Hehheheh.
Edited Mon 8 Mar 04, 7:23 PM by alexandraa
