28 Jun 09, 2:33 PM
prettyname
UK(NW), 11 yrs
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I think the main point about telling your kids anything is this:
If they haven't asked, don't force it on them. Kids aren't stupid, they may already know and not give a hoot. They may simply not have any interest in the subject. They may not know at all. Either way, it is highly unlikely they will want to be put in a position they may feel uncomfortable with so it's best not to mention it. Just enjoy getting on with your own life the same as they are enjoying getting on with theirs 
On the other hand, if they ask you a question about either yourself or the subject generally, then they are ready to hear the appropriate answer. Then you can answer the question openly and honestly, the same as you would answer anyone broaching you about the same subject, in an age/approriate way. They'll appreciate your honesty, they'll trust that no matter what they want to ask you about in the future (on any subject, not just this one) they will know they will receive a trusted and honest answer/opinion from you, and your relationship should continue to be a good one as a result.
The key is waiting to be asked. In the meantime, continue to be yourself and get on with your life, the same as they are doing with theirs. If and when the time is right, they will come to you about it, so stop worrying unnecessarily in the meantime. What you're doing is no biggy, so why make it one?
Edited for typos
~“Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognise.” Diane Arbus~
~"it's what you see other times that's interesting"~ foxxx~
www.londonalternativemarket.com
Edited 28 Jun 09, 2:36 PM by prettyname
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28 Jun 09, 7:58 PM
safeandsoundbdsm
UK(S), 5 yrs |
kayak1 wrote:
Your kids knowing about your lifestyle?
Reason I am asking is that I am very honest about everything important to me with my kids 32 30 and 17 yet feel very reluctant to let them know about this aspect of me.
Would hate for me to die suddenly, then have my kids grownup as they are, to find stuff that would colour their view of there loving dad.
Know that some people have confided in their grown up children and all credit to them, I need to think carefully before I would take that step. Don't think I'm ashamed of what and who I am but fear they may judge me harshly without the knowledge of what is really involved in this, consent, pleasure,need so many aspects and varying levels of involvement.
I'm happy to share with friends and even workmates I've a kinky side and always been recieved well after the usual Oh gimp masks and whips !! lol
Anyone want to share good or bad experiences surely can't just be me that has concerns Terry
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My opinion is that I would tell them - both of us intend to let our children know when we consider them old enough. Only you know your children and how they might react. If you have a real concern as to how they will feel upon discovery and that it would alter their image/opinion of you leaving unanswered questions then tell them.
An alternative option no one has mention is to leave them a letter or letter explaining the situation. This would not answer any questions they may be left with though.
For both of us our parents, families and friends know our interests in BDSM. We believe that openness and honesty are the best policy. We have done nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to hide.
When our children ask us questions we always answer them honestly - varying the detail as we see appropriate. There has been the odd time when a question has been asked that we have felt they are not old enough to have the answer to and we have explained that to them. Also the odd time when the question has been too personal and we have informed them as to why we shall not be answering the question.
Hope this helps.
Chris
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28 Jun 09, 8:33 PM
MissLioness
UK(LS), 5 yrs
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hailstone wrote:
As both a mother and a person of peculiar tastes, i have found being open is always best. I am not saying it is best in every case, but in mine it had to be this way.
I also question the 'coming out' posts, i grasp the fact that for some people it is impossible for one reason or another. I can also grasp the 'would you share your nilla sex life with your family' concept. In one way yes i suppose you do. My sisters are always saying stuff about their sex lives, but not in too much detail. We dont sit round the table eating Sunday lunch saying things like 'the lights were out last night and he lifted my nightie, pass the gravy Ma' But to some extent things are shared.
My family are well aware that i do 'that funny stuff' and go to them 'strange places. My mother just this week asked me if a text i received was from 'one of those GHD voodoo people'. Yes maybe i should explain to her but i believe she would be horrified if she knew the complete truth. My sisters are a different matter, they have questioned as far as they dare, and i have answered with 100% honesty to the point they accept my choices.
My children, i brought up with the strict code of - Mum will always accept whatever you have done, never chastise you and always stand in your corner, if she knows the truth- if i instill that into my children then surely they deserve the same in return. So on the issue of the choices i have made i have hidden nothing at all from them, their questions have been answered with total honesty. They have seen me use websites similar to this one, they have seen clothing /toys i have or have had in my home. They have seen and browsed through books on the subject. However i would not watch porn in front of them, i would not play when they are in the house (not hard play), i respect that my choices are mine and they have their own to make. If i am talking to someone from here i make sure that my children are not hearing anything more than an everyday conversation. My children have not grown up thinking that what i do is normal, they have grown up knowing their Mum does not conform to what is deemed 'normal' within society, BUT their Mum is not afraid to be different.
If i am marked from play, i do not flaunt it, its the only time i am careful about locking doors etc. If i have a Dom/ Master/ Sir, they always know my children come first in my life and my respect for my children means He will only be adressed as His birth name in front of them.i try to always respect my childrens privacy, dignity and their right to choose as individual, while maintaining some balance of mine.
Before Ds, i tried to maintain the same balance, by answering their questions regarding sex, but it doesn't mean they saw anything i did sex wise.
I suppose for me it is different to a lot of others, my children we're aged 10 and 14 when i became interested in this. i do not know how i would have handled it had they have been younger.
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like you i have left the odd toys around but mine have never asked me questions yet they just think i have kinky sex and im a perv. they know nothing else as yet. I want them to grow up much the same way so they can come and talk to me if they wish about anything one will im sure but my other wont which saddens me. My kids know i also use sites like these and pay little attention perhaps they dont realise just yet. But I hope that they will be comfortable in there own lives when there time comes and i hope that they will be more balanced with there own sexuality.
Well put hailstone btw x
AdoringLion
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28 Jun 09, 8:47 PM
MissKimberley
NL, 8 yrs
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kayak1 wrote:
lima_pink_tigress wrote:
Well, my kids are too young at the minute for me to worry about it. But I do worry about something happening and my parents finding out and me not being able to then explain it to them.
As for sharing with/confiding in your kids. Do you discuss in any detail any other aspects of your sex life? If you had a 'normal' run of the mill vanilla sex life would you be discussing it with your children? I wouldn't no matter how old my kids were so wouldn't really see the need to discuss it because it's 'alternative'. Exactly the same reason I don't discuss it with my parents.
I think this is a very personal thing. Personally, if anyone asked me outright I would tell them. But I don't go out of my way to tell anyone that I wouldn't normally talk about my sex life to.
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Thanks for the reply but there is the world of difference between after the funeral clearing the house and maybe finding sexy underwear and a vibrator, as opposed to pinwheels, cuffs spreaders and gags ! Too late to explain
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Perhaps you could write down in a letter how you feel and explain what you enjoy is a sensible, consensual thing. Then put the letter with your important papers (mortgage, bank statements, insurances) so that if you die, it will inevitably be found.
As for telling them now, don't bother. I am 28, I love my parents, I am aware they have a sexlife but I honestly do NOT want to know the details. I am quite sure most children do not need to know or wish to know, unless you are on all fours on a lead in front of them. Which I assume you are not. So I don't think you need to tell them, but if you worry about them finding out if you suddenly died, then I guess writing a letter is as good a way as any. “During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” - George Orwell
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28 Jun 09, 9:26 PM
wonderer
UK, 5 yrs
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Interestingly the prayer after communion at church this morning reminded me of this thread. Bear with me those who don't use God-language - there is something of relevance. Here it is:
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O God, whose beauty is beyond our imagining and whose power we cannot comprehend: show us your glory as far as we can grasp it, and shield us from knowing more than we can bear until we may look upon you without fear; through Jesus Christ our Saviour. Amen
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Maybe children are a bit like "we" in the prayer. It's appropriate to show them what they can grasp but not more than they can bear until the time is right. And if they understand that, then concealing some stuff isn't patronising or creating a barrier to honest open sharing. Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/226772/
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28 Jun 09, 11:56 PM
kayak1
UK(PA), 4 yrs
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Yes this has been a mad thread at times but has helped me a lot, the idea of a simple letter explaining stuff at the right time seems to cover all my concerns.
Was a difficult subject to bring up, and it is obvious from the replies this is a grey area, so many variables that it can never be just black or white. At least it made a change from "Why can't I find a Dom/me ? " "Why does no one reply to my memos " etc Terry Thanks all |
29 Jun 09, 10:33 AM
spirifer
UK, 6 yrs
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prettyname wrote:
I think the main point about telling your kids anything is this:
If they haven't asked, don't force it on them. Kids aren't stupid, they may already know and not give a hoot. They may simply not have any interest in the subject. They may not know at all. Either way, it is highly unlikely they will want to be put in a position they may feel uncomfortable with so it's best not to mention it. Just enjoy getting on with your own life the same as they are enjoying getting on with theirs
On the other hand, if they ask you a question about either yourself or the subject generally, then they are ready to hear the appropriate answer. Then you can answer the question openly and honestly, the same as you would answer anyone broaching you about the same subject, in an age/approriate way. They'll appreciate your honesty, they'll trust that no matter what they want to ask you about in the future (on any subject, not just this one) they will know they will receive a trusted and honest answer/opinion from you, and your relationship should continue to be a good one as a result.
The key is waiting to be asked. In the meantime, continue to be yourself and get on with your life, the same as they are doing with theirs. If and when the time is right, they will come to you about it, so stop worrying unnecessarily in the meantime. What you're doing is no biggy, so why make it one?
Edited for typos
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What an excellent reply. I agree totally. Our daughter's only little, so it's not likely to be an issue for some years. However, just like other chidren, she's curious about boys and girls, and where babies come from etc etc, and we give her honest, age appropriate answers.
The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation - Pierre Trudeau
A denizen of a right little, tight little island.
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29 Jun 09, 11:07 AM
prettyname
UK(NW), 11 yrs
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spirifer wrote:
prettyname wrote:
I think the main point about telling your kids anything is this:
If they haven't asked, don't force it on them. Kids aren't stupid, they may already know and not give a hoot. They may simply not have any interest in the subject. They may not know at all. Either way, it is highly unlikely they will want to be put in a position they may feel uncomfortable with so it's best not to mention it. Just enjoy getting on with your own life the same as they are enjoying getting on with theirs
On the other hand, if they ask you a question about either yourself or the subject generally, then they are ready to hear the appropriate answer. Then you can answer the question openly and honestly, the same as you would answer anyone broaching you about the same subject, in an age/approriate way. They'll appreciate your honesty, they'll trust that no matter what they want to ask you about in the future (on any subject, not just this one) they will know they will receive a trusted and honest answer/opinion from you, and your relationship should continue to be a good one as a result.
The key is waiting to be asked. In the meantime, continue to be yourself and get on with your life, the same as they are doing with theirs. If and when the time is right, they will come to you about it, so stop worrying unnecessarily in the meantime. What you're doing is no biggy, so why make it one?
Edited for typos
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What an excellent reply. I agree totally. Our daughter's only little, so it's not likely to be an issue for some years. However, just like other chidren, she's curious about boys and girls, and where babies come from etc etc, and we give her honest, age appropriate answers.
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Thanks. Mine are well grown up now, and it really has worked for all of us It doesn't matter what they ask (and guaranteed you will be taken by surprise many a time  ), but the answer is always the same, if they ask, they're ready, just be honest and age appropriate.
I wrote a blog some time ago about when they were little. I know it's been used to explain to a couple of vanillas over the years, too, with good results, never any need to go into full details and lectures, just answer the question they're ready to hear the answer to http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/149491/
~“Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognise.” Diane Arbus~
~"it's what you see other times that's interesting"~ foxxx~
www.londonalternativemarket.com
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29 Jun 09, 11:28 AM
Evil_Fairy
UK(SS), 3 yrs
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Many years ago i found ladys clothes in my dads wardrobe, i was notbotherd as i have been into kink for a long time, we in the end talked and now we are closer than we have ever been..
my boys are 16, 14 and 8 so i have not shared my sex life with them but my oldist boy does know that i go to partys and that i have a different take on life than most..
if you feel that they will understand than tell them, if you are worried that they will find it wrong then make preperastions for your stuff to be removed from the house before they clear it or have a lock box i suposse..
Knowing my son, i think he is more likly to want to borrow my whips so i am not to worrried..
hope you all the luck in the world, but if they luv you they should except it as it is just you.. Edited 29 Jun 09, 11:31 AM by Evil_Fairy
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29 Jun 09, 6:13 PM
Degenerate
UK(M), 5 yrs
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Evil_Fairy wrote:
if you feel that they will understand than tell them, if you are worried that they will find it wrong then make preperastions for your stuff to be removed from the house before they clear it or have a lock box i suposse..
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I have done this for a friend of mine. A sad thing to have to do, but nonetheless important to him. The only problem with this is (as non next of kin) explaining away the need to visit quickly to do something they have asked you to do, and getting in there before the family start snooping (they had already snooped some stuff before I got there). A tip for this is keep all your BDSM stuff separate to where you keep your important documents (bank stuff etc) - my friend had some stuff stored with it).
De Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk
Spanner Trust SM campaign - can you join in?
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/239250/0
Get up, stand up - Bob Marley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zTxUxFjLB0
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