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Incentives (54)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

29 Jun 09, 10:09 PM
Degenerate

UK(M), 4 yrs

jules9 wrote:
Incentives

In a vanilla relationship, it's quite common to be able to suggest that if your partner gets around to that long overdue task you will more than make it worth their while. Is this possible in a D/s relationship though?

It's all well and good me saying to Daddy, if you continue working hard and finish the car on time for it's MOT, we'll go any "play" on the beach, but in reality it's something he can take any time he wants.

It's not an attempt to top from bottom - these are things he would have to do anyway, more that I want to give him something to make him smile about as he works.

So can a sub give their Dom/me an incentive like this one, or is it just a waste of time due to the dynamics?

Jules XxX

I think only you can have the best guess at how your partner would respond to this and how it fits or not into your dynamic.

I would probably respond to this with either a laugh or a raised eyebrow (depending on my mood) and continue to do as I please - lighthearted or not, it sounds manipulative to me. If I needed to get something done which I needed reminding about, my girl would know already that I would appreciate being reminded directly and without the games.

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Edited 29 Jun 09, 10:10 PM by Degenerate

30 Jun 09, 12:59 PM
SinPar
US, 11 yrs

jules9 wrote:
It's not an attempt to top from bottom - these are things he would have to do anyway, more that I want to give him something to make him smile about as he works.

There's a point to be made about submissives "deciding" what is good for their dominant or what would make them happy. This isn't true for all relationships, of course, but there's a subtle shift in the power dynamic when the submissive begins to decide what is "good" for the dominant without that dominant's being aware that the decision has been made.

I appreciate being pleased as much as the next person but caregiving around me has to take place inside the parameters *I* set, not what the submissive has determined on their own that is best for me. That can cause some small erosions in the dynamic that can weaken the entire thing if not noticed.

SinPar

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

30 Jun 09, 1:35 PM
jules9
UK(CH), 2 yrs

SinPar wrote:

jules9 wrote:
It's not an attempt to top from bottom - these are things he would have to do anyway, more that I want to give him something to make him smile about as he works.

SinPar

I understand what you are saying, yet I don't think this applies to my case. Daddy and I have discussed it - it's something he is more than happy with, so it's a win win. If he wasn't happy with it, I know I would be stopped with one look, and needless to say it wouldn't be something that I would try again.

Our relationship has grown very organically, there were no contracts drawn upfront, instead we both test things with each other and see how the other responds. I appreciate it may not work for everyone, but it's making us very happy indeed.

Jules XxX

2 Jul 09, 2:52 AM
SinPar
US, 11 yrs

jules9 wrote:
I know I would be stopped with one look, and needless to say it wouldn't be something that I would try again.

I'm all for other people working out how things work in their relationships and I was not casting any aspersions on how things work in your relationship.

As long as everyone is signed on to whatever plan the dominant has/appreciates then there are no unpredictable shifts in energy. I don't ever want to have to "stop someone with a look" because they're relying on their own ideas of what will make me happy without direction from me.

You just have to go with what feels right to you.

SinPar