Posted by Just_in
on Wed 17 Jun 09, 9:48 PM to Just_in's blog.
Everything is so difficult right now... I'm completely sure what in the hell I'm supposed to be doing with myself... maybe it's some kind of early onset mid-life crisis since I turned 30 the other week, but looking back on this time last year (before attempting to even get into the “scene”) I had a great deal of plans and a fairly clear if a tad pie in the sky plans and now thinking things through it all appears to be trickling down the shitter (pardon my french).
I have my peaks and troughs and this is obviously one of times in my life where I'm in a trough, but even still the case still remains where I'm left with a great deal of nothing.
I'm not particularly keen on going into specific detail but I guess I will anyway, why the hell not eh, surely this kind of teenage angsty rambling drivel is what weblogs were invented for...
*please note that the inner turmoil I'm in, should act as no deterrent to people (read: Women) getting in touch, nor should it give anyone the false notion that I am somehow week or dare I say subby, lol the simple truth of the matter is that like all the greatest people (Churchill, Hemingway and Hitler) I have a tendency to get down on myself, this weblog is merely an exercise and an indication of my actual greatness*
I may as well start with the stuff relevant to this site... I'm kind of lost in the “scene” I don't quite know what to do with myself or who to do said stuff with... I've been into kinky shit since I was a child, I had an ok vanilla life which got a bit boring, well actually it was pretty fucking tedious and bringing me down so I thought that I would see what things were like and try to meet to “like minded people” not just into the kinky side of life but also people I actually connected with on the things that really matter in my life i.e. music, politics etc. And I did... huzzah I thought... and all was well (bare in mind dear reader that this was while the going was good).
The deliciously rich Deborah of dragons den fame, said the following to a man on said show recently “if it sounds and looks to good to be true, then it probably is, so for that reason I'm out” well I kind of know what she means, it was all too good to be true... I guess I was being niaeve thinking that all because I was associating with people who “shared” similar beliefs than me, that it would remove the possibility of drama... no... free thinking, left leaning, sexually liberated etc etc doesn't account for anything when basic human emotions get involved, I don't blame anyone for this this is entirely down to me not being able to empathise within certain contexts... a simple way of saying that I am selfish or at least in the sense of the above... I got into the scene to fulfill a need that I had, to perform acts I wanted to do, to be with people I wanted to be with and all within this notion that I had that other people were just like me... maths has never been my strongest subject but in this case I can see that 2+2 = 5.
A life's lesson for me then, everyone is different, they all have there own agendas and no matter how good it looks and how good it sounds, it is never your truth...
Where does it leave me on the scene, I hate to be critical of other people *a big lie* but I would like to think that I work a little deeper than most and am not “just another clone” (a nod in the direction of Hollyoaks) I can't just shake myself off and just get on with things, the goalposts have shifted, the damage in a sense has been done... I seek no answers from anyone with regards this, it's something I need to seek within myself, I know that I can't change how I feel about the way I feel or how I see things... I've spent far too long rationalising my own though processes, I mean, come on, I am 30 after all... watch this space...
Other stuff... I'm none too sure about taking an MA and how much it will benefit me and also whether I can actually do one, in the sense that I've never written an essay in my life being entirely non academic, I am also none too sure that the job I am in is going to lead me anywhere except to Waste of Time Land... Which links to the MA... maybe I'll just become a street cleaner and tour guide. Hmmm what else, I still can't get over jealousies regarding how other people live.... oh why, oh why can't I be smart, attractive, talented and effortlessly cool... *cue LOLZ*
An extra lol is I'm listening to Frogs by AIC and the lyrics are “why does it have to be this way”!
I am also going to cut my hair off, needs must and all that jazz, it's not nits though... seriously it's not... and besides it won't be done till August... so it can't be nits...
p.s Please don't memo me, call me, e-mail me, facebook me, come around my house, text, mms, smoke signal, messenger pigeon, otter mail, telepathic transmit, think of me etc etc If you are going to talk about this... this shit is written to myself... I can't afford a diary! 
p.i.s.s I know my spelling is bad, punctuation worse...but IDGAFF
