Posted by Talullah_Red on Sun 7 Jun 09, 11:13 PM to Talullah_Red's blog.
Tags: Liverpool (L)
i have had a moment of realiseation tonight, my close friends (the only 3 who know about us) have said it for years this whole thing is unealthy - it will end in tears - mine, and about two hours ago it just did. summat happened and i realised ive been really stupid. it wasn't aything big - just a silly comment - it could have even been a joke but it made me realise i am not strong enough to play the detached game with someone i care so much about, putting up with what i can get not what i deserve for the last 8 years really is not the person i wanna be. it doesnt make my heart hurt any less and i've no rights really to be upset - he never promised me a rose garden. you dont sign up for reciving nagging when you sign along the dotted line of a fuckbuddy contract. i wrote him a big tear stained email, i haven't sent it just saved it. he wouldn't care anyways- it does explain how i feel and why i feel it, any normal guy would melt, but he wouldn't. as i say ive no rights to at all but i am a mere girl and i am a lot more girly than i let on. i just hide my feelings well
i am pure gutted, truth is we wouldn't even work as a coupple i love him but hes not my boyfriend material. not that i have ever really alowed myself ever the indulgence of a real boyfriend but if i did my boyfriend would treat me like a princess not make me feel like rent a worthless slapper - rent my slapper - i dont care. by princess i dont mean stuff, things, if i want things i get my own - but respect - of which i feel i have earnt in this situation is the bare minimum i would at least like from my fella. hell it is nearly christmas lets also throw in that my ideal fella would at least bare minum be proud to be with me. i meet heaps of men some like me some dont they would treat me nice - problem is they are not him. but i am not strong enough to play this game i dont think i can carry on the way i have been, in the words of will young - i think i better leave right now
with this in mind there will be no more trips to wales for me.
i hope you dont all mind me chatting to you all like this i know its depressing but i had to write it somewhere - i cant put it anywhere else he will see.
| 7 Jun 09, 11:14 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
can i just add, i am fine and dandy now - its a relife really i am free of it all. badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 7 Jun 09, 11:24 PM Politesweetness UK, 6 yrs  |
I am sorry you got hurt. I hope you will find strength and stay positive, and my wish for you would be to trust yourself to know what is right for you. Sending some hugs, Polite x | ||
| 7 Jun 09, 11:37 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
i am also aware i have over reacted - he has no idea i am upset i havent overeatcted with him theres no point. i also on reflection know and can apply the old addage - hes a man you can't judge a man by a womans standards and thinking about it now it was just a joke. i should just go to wales - beining with him in any capsity is better than none at all but when i wrote that letter it brought up a whole heap of things that made me realise just how fucked up this whole situation is and just how many things are wrong with it! - wrong with me. wrong with him and me. crazy thing is out of the last 14 years ive known him (for which ive been in love with him for 13 years 11 months 30 days 23 hours and 52 minuets) the last few months weve been closer than ever. he kissed me on the train the other day - we dont do public displays of affection - its hard when your a secret (hes not married or out - i dont do other womens men even if the women are ok with it) but when he did that - my knees went to jelly i was buzzin for days. only he has the ability to do that. good grief charlie brown - i amy not be strong enough to carry on but i dont think i am strong enough to stop either. its very confusing stuff. well at least i havent killed it off. just finished the convo with Today at 10:39pm summats come up i can't text or phone my phone is playing up. i cant come to wales. say sorry to your ma, take care. he wont even question that so at least ive had the benifit of venting - i can always pick up my hocky stick and resume play thanks for listening. i promis this is the only area where i am an emotioanl fuckwitt - i am a pretty together person usually badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 7 Jun 09, 11:40 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
thank you your very kind - no doubt ill be in wales wednesday night - ill put it behind me again - but ill trust him a little less ill just have to try to harden my heart more i guess i dont want a world without him he has a knack of making everything ok. and the bacardi is helping. xx
badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 7 Jun 09, 11:43 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
men/realtionships on any leavel - i dont half pick em! ha ha badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 7 Jun 09, 11:46 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
mmmmmm i wonder what the gerriatric ex is doing for dinner wednesday?? i hope its me!!! ha ha ha badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 8 Jun 09, 1:05 AM DavetheButcher UK(M), 5 yrs  |
Don't stop being you. That's why we all love you! DtB Fuck Yeah. | ||
| 8 Jun 09, 6:32 AM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
i need to re work on my looser chip fuck me dtb, that was almost a nice comment in fact if i squit a bit it could pass as one. should i be waiting for a punch line?
badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! | ||
| 8 Jun 09, 7:27 AM LacednLicked UK(WA), 4 yrs |
I guess really it comes down to how much you like you doesn't it hun? If you really like you and know you deserve better then hold out for more and don't go to Wales. If you like being with him in any capacity more than you like yourself then off to wales you go. | ||
| 8 Jun 09, 7:32 PM Talullah_Red 3 yrs |
id love to take the strong option. the last time i had this realiasation - i went to oz for a year. couldnt trust myself on the same side of the world as him! we fell back into the same routine soon after i got back when he was single again i dont want to be with anyone really. its only ever been him. i want to go coz its a giggle too. i think it would help if i stopped telling him i am ok (hes been asking me all day) and if i stopped being mad at him for not knowing i am not ok the boy is many things - but not physic. above all else hes still my best mate. thanks you guys, ive vented now i am over it. your all great! xx badges? I don't need no stinking badges!!!! Edited 8 Jun 09, 7:52 PM by Talullah_Red |
