Posted by skyfox
on Thu 4 Jun 09, 4:58 PM to skyfox's blog.
My mother asked what I wanted for Christmas last year, and I said, "my books". So she's been posting me my kilos and kilos of books from the US. It's a slow process, but it means it's a little like Christmas every month or so with reminders of how intelligent and well-read I was/am. Anyway, debates about how many of these I've read since she's posted them aside, this time she sent (perhaps accidentally) two of the journals I kept while I was living in Taiwan.
A most fascinating read. I'd forgotten so much. So much about me, as well as so much about others. It was hard for me, that first year overseas. I'm much more blase about the whole ex-pat thing now, I have a much better grip on myself. I feel so much more sane than I was back then. (I may not actually be in reality, but it sure feels that way.) I strongly recommend to anyone going through a hard time that they keep a handwritten journal in a notebook, if only because it's really amusing to read later. I don't write so much these days, for a variety of reasons. But I thought I'd share a few gems:
| Jan 3 2004: [line ends marked for no particular reason] I am yet young, but I / am learning of myself. / I may be strong, but / I also need support, / and I may provide it, too. / I nees less love than / to be able to love, / though for that I / require permission. / I (though perhaps still / only a girl) am a woman. / I have breasts and a / cunt, to fuck, be fucked, / and a mouth to suck. / But more importantly, / I want to be warm / and to warm the hearts / of those around me. |
| March 2 2004: How long am I going to be doing this, teaching in other countries? I think, like Rupee said, [she was quite wise in some ways] I'm running. I'm running from myself. I am depressed and I hate myself and I want to die. The only thing that keeps me going is movement - I need to GO. Expat. Expatriot. It has such a ring to it. Who are we? Why are we here? And when can we come back from our self-imposed exile? |
| May 5 2004: Met the new teacher, Susan - finally. Interesting girl, though it seems she kinda prides herself on that fact. On lots of meds, used to be a dominatrix, does "art", is bi-sexual, vegetarian, interesting dresser, divorced... overall, quite boring. Interesting in that technical sense, but her opinions seem to be rather sheltered, and she seems rather taken with her own lifestyle. But she seems nice enough. |
Some things change, others stay the same. 
I feel much better now.
| 4 Jun 09, 5:33 PM misnomer UK(EH), 4 yrs |
If I were to do similar, I am sure that looking back through my journals would not provide amusement so much as the desire to repeatedly punch myself in the face. |
| 4 Jun 09, 5:38 PM skyfox UK(EH), 5 yrs  |
Yeah, you get that, too. It just means you need to wait until it's funny in order to read it. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. |
