This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 25 May 09, 6:54 PM fred07 UK(MK), 4 yrs |
I don't know if it's D/s that makes you more vulnerable or if it's meeting the right person that makes you vulnerable, I've lifted this from a previous poster: "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to" ~ Unknown ~ And it seems fitting. However, I wouldn't say that "our" lot hold the key to said feelings, it's probably more to do with being with someone that is on the same level as you on SO many fronts. It's heartbreaking when it doesn't work, because to you, so many boxes are ticked. If you are wired "our" way, then of course when you meet a similar that ticks the boxes in vanilla life too, then it's natural that you are going to give up so much more. On the flip side of the coin, it makes it so much harder when things don't go to plan. My thoughts are with you x | |
| 25 May 09, 7:12 PM Bad_dog_no_biscuit UK(S), 5 yrs  |
Six months? I don't think that's very long at all, not if you're really in love with someone. Vanilla or D/s, I don't think it would make that much of a difference. Or am I just unusual? | |
| 25 May 09, 7:18 PM Diablos_patience UK, 6 yrs |
Personally I think in D/s relationships we get down to the nitty gritty much sooner and as a result the relationship can be much more intense. We willingly open ourselves up as they start to peel away our barriers which are permanently there in a vanilla relationship, in D/s you're being prised open, stripped to expose your inner self, the one that no one else gets to see.... thats something special between you and your dominant, and through that comes the sense of being owned and belonging, and more importantly you feel safe. When you have shared such experiences with someone such as those you do in a long standing D/s s&m relationship i think its much harder to shake it off than a regular vanilla relationship. ~* Raku wa ku no tané; ku wa raku no tané. *~ | |
| 25 May 09, 7:35 PM Ms_Valentine UK, 9 yrs |
Although, I have witnessed very painful bdsm break ups, I honestly believe that what makes a difference in a relationship is how much the other partner meant to the grieving one. I think people often say that it is the bdsm element which makes the relationship breaking up so bad. However, people on here are into bdsm and are very likely to feel much more upset when a bdsm partnership dissolves than when a vanilla one of theirs had done in the past. I think if one loves freely with all ones heart and has high hopes that the relationship will last forever, then the break up will be awful. In truth, the worst break up, I ever had any connection to was when a vanilla friend was dumped by her boyfriend. She literally sat and screamed, rocking, in flood of tears, for several days before she could even speak without going under. She didn't eat a thing in nearly a week and slept only a few minutes each night. She was a wreck. I 'nursed' her through the initial bad stage which lasted about a month.She quite literally fell apart and nearly had a break down. Sadly, about two years later she made off with my vanilla husband so she didn't remember what I did for her or have any decency in her after all. Mind you, I just shrugged and moved on as I already knew he and I were over. Subs are vulnerable in as much as they have often had their behaviour and outlook during their time in service to their Dom/me altered and so may be having to get over not only the loss of a loved partner but their controller, organiser, chastiser and this is psychologically like being cut free from something you had depended upon totally. So, I think you can be more vulnerable after a bdsm breakup yet feel no more or less pain than a vanilla might. 24/7 subs and slaves can and do live similar lives, it is only the concept of 'ownership' which separates them. | |
| 25 May 09, 7:44 PM fuschia UK(SE), 11 yrs  |
Spooky! Just what i said the other day. "...how a Dom ends a relationship says more about him as both a Dom and as a man than anything else ever could. So many Doms think that ending a D/s relationship is the same as ending a vanilla relationship - they understand little about the psychology of submission. Whatever stage a relationship gets to if there has been any degree of submission then the sub has given a part of herself to him and to just walk away and lie about your reasons for ending the relationship is nothing short of abandonment." And this thread has prompted my own.. does a dom lose all credibility once he sows himself to be dishonest, untrustworthy, uncaring... http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/237622/ I'd say yes, precisely because treating a submissive in such a fashion shows a complete lack of understanding of the whole process and proves him unworthy.
Currently throroughly fed up with all the moaning. Edited 25 May 09, 7:48 PM by fuschia | |
| 25 May 09, 11:06 PM sensuala UK(PL), 3 yrs |
I don't think any of us will truly know the real answer to this as like others have said,it depends on the intensity of your feelings for the person,kink or no.Jay wiseman wrote in one of his books that there should be something called abandonment abuse tho,for when a dom breaks suddenly with a sub, and I kno I identified with that..but then I still don't know if it was just my feelings for my ex or the kink we shared(especially as he was the one who opened the doors to this world for me)..will never know.But it definitely hit me harder than any other break up.anyway,thoughts are with you...all break ups after love are horrible. Be yourself... no one can tell you you're doing it wrong. | |
| 25 May 09, 11:18 PM popi  UK(M), 7 yrs |
In my experience there are two issues that play a major part at the end of a D/s, M/s relationship. The first obviously is love, now whenever things come to end with someone you love there's going to be grief, whatever the dynamics of that relationship. The second issue is dependence, I'm sure that overlaps with and is no doubt borne out of vulnerability. The combination of those two things, is in my opinion what causes that "broken" feeling.
It gets easier btw and most people get to the acceptance stage of a break up/grief cycle within 12 months popi xx Edited 25 May 09, 11:22 PM by popi | |
| 25 May 09, 11:27 PM misfit UK, 3 yrs |
If we are open and honest then I would have thought the experience of any break up will be just as traumatic. M Space travels in my blood. And there ain't nothing I can do about it. | |
| 26 May 09, 1:14 AM Lockey UK(NW), 4 yrs |
Nope, I don't think you are. I'm firmly in the "we're no different from 'nilla" camp, on this one. Heartbreak is heartbreak. FWIW, my very worst break up took YEARS of horrendous, bottom of the pit stuff to get over. Yet I'd rather risk that again than live a life without love, or the possibility of it in the future. That's just me. Some people just shut down, and it's very sad. In some ways, the most defensive / unreachable people are actually the most vulnerable: absolutely the hardest people to "touch", but if things go a little wobbly, they are also the hardest people to communicate and get back on track with. Relationships are always difficult - a pessimistic view of them in general doesn't make them any easier. I do think we sometimes have one extra thing to contend with though. Co-dependence is a toughie, something I'm prone to anyway, speaking for myself, and boy oh boy, do kink relationships lend themselves towards it... As always, depends on the individuals, and the circumstances. | |
| 26 May 09, 11:29 AM northernwench 7 yrs |
My feeling is that vulnerable *people* are made more vulnerable in the aftermath of a bdsm relationship break up as opposed to the bdsm being the reason for the aforementioned vulnerability. By that I refer to doms,subs or anything inbetween. I get a sense that because of the particular attributes sought and necessary in the relationships of our choosing, there can be an overwhelming feeling when a relationship is over of 'Oh Christ,I'm having to start all over again.' A worry that the chemistry and dynamics you have enjoyed will never be replicated or will be a long time coming can be quite disheartening. Those pursuing non kink relationships have the same worries of course, but the parameters are wider in terms of availiabilty of potential partners - this is of course a generalisation but as a rule, if you're looking for a kinky partner, then your sphere of searching is narrowed. Relationships of all kinds end. They end regardless of dynamic, of love, of commitment or desire. They end because of practicalities, of unrealistic targets, of goals not shared. They end because they need to end. This is a given. Relationships with a bdsm focus are going to end. If you enter into a relationship with a heavy bdsm dynamic not knowing if you are going to be able to leave it without being a crushed eggshell then I would suggest it is time to examine what it is about yourself that is unable to deal with emerging from a relationship emotionally crucified. Much of that onus is on yourself. Enjoy the highs and grasp the pragmatic nettle. There are no knights on white chargers waiting to cure a myriad of ills that you perceive you carry within yourself, there is nobody on earth who has been born purely to nurture, nestle and suckle you into adulthood.
|
