Posted by juliettex on Thu 7 May 09, 8:33 PM to juliettex's blog.
(Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water. Yes, it's another little excerpt from my main blog, www.thenewadventuresofjuliette.blogspot.com)
Well, life never fails to amaze me. Just when I thought I'd seen it all.
'I'm sick of all these online freaks,' I said to myself only two nights ago. 'Why do I always get stuck on dates with the biggest pervs and weirdos in the capital?'
Oh, how little did I know. In the immortal words of Bachman Turner Overdrive, 'you ain't seen nothin' yet.'
Dear reader, I have just been on Probably The Worst Date In The World - Ever.
We met outside a Central London landmark, on a grey manky afternoon. There was only one man that my date could possibly have been, which was not great news. He looked a bit like a French bloke. I don't mean that in a good way, as in dark and broodingly Gallic and effortlessly stylish a la Only Hot Footballer Evah Eric Cantona. I mean he looked like a cartoon of a French bloke drawn by a viciously xenophobic cartoonist who really hated the French. He was about 75% nose and in dire need of a good shave.
His photograph had, to say the least, been flattering.
He kissed me on the cheek, then took my hand. His own was horribly warm and clammy.
'You must be (different name I use for online dating),' he said.
The voice was worse than the grip. Very soft and gentle and sibilant and almost inaudible - with a strange pleading quality to everything he said. As if he was constantly trying to persuade some small animal not to escape.
You know Kevin Spacey in Seven?
Well, by comparison, his John Doe character sounded like the bloke who advertises Ronseal.
Can I have an extra helping of creepy with that creepy?
And some creepy on the side to go?
We walked to a nearby pub. All the while, I was keeping up a steady stream of that mad banal chatter you keep up when your mouth is running all on its own, because your brain's locked itself away to work on its escape plan. In the back of my mind, I could hear the Mission Impossible music. My hand urgently wanted to escape from its warm, damp, soggy prison. Should I just yank it free? Would that look rude? Did I care? Was I catching anything?
As we approached a nearby pub, he turned to me and leaned in closely. His aftershave smelt like Toilet Duck. The voice was softer, more insinuating and more industrial-strength creepy than ever.
'You are very passionate. I can tell.'
'Well,' I said lamely. 'I suppose.'
'Do you like fucking?'
Now, I've met some guys who came straight to the point before the starter.
This is, however, the first time one has ever come so spectacularly to the point before we even entered the pub.
Some kind of Guinness World Record is surely in order.
I don't know why I can't just tell people to fuck off and walk out on them. Blame it on the upbringing. But I just can't. With a disbelieving rictus grin that was apparently taken as a hearty 'hell yes,' I went in with him and sat down. I had to stick around for at least one diet coke, before getting an urgent text from a friend who'd been staying at my flat and was now accidentally locked out and needed me to come home and let her back in before she died of frostbite etc etc etc. Anyway, I was bloody hungry. He said he'd already eaten, so I just ordered chips. I wanted something simple, nourishing and above all, fucking quick to eat.
Meanwhile, from being all on my side, the conversation is now all on his. He has found his subject and warmed to his subject, and we are now entering the surreal realms of Couldn't Make It Up Land.
'I love fucking. I'm just looking for someone I can have some fun with, really. Not a relationship. Just fucking. I can tell you like it too.'
Perhaps my wide-eyed smile was read as encouragement. Actually, it was just disbelief and borderline hysteria. At the back of my mind, I was realising that Keith the Meh was looking more wildly attractive with every passing moment. And I was wondering what the holy hell I was doing here.
The chips arrived with our drinks. His leg pressed insinuatingly closer to mine. I really don't know how a bejeaned thigh can feel creepy, but this one most certainly did.
'Do you like sitting on a man's face?'
'Mmmph,' I said, with a mouthful of chips.
'I love giving oral. Do you think I could make you come like that?'
'Mmph. Mmmmmmph.'
'What would you say if I slipped my hand up your top and squeezed your breasts, right now? Nobody's looking. Nobody would see anything.'
'Mmmph.'
'Why don't we go back to my flat and get to know each other a bit better? It's just round the corner.'
The chips were finished. Thank God.
'Oh, I'd never do that on a first date,' I said.
(Which is a true statement But which is also a true statement if you add the crucial suffix 'with a fucking weirdo.')
'Tell you what. I'll phone you tonight - about half ten - and we can talk about what we like in bed, and jerk off together. See if we can make each other come over the phone. Would you like that?'
'Sure! That sounds brilliant!'
I spoke with near-giddy relief and delight - a feeling that was almost gratitude that this horrible ordeal would soon be over, without me having to make a palpably lame excuse about a locked-out flatmate or use the words 'fuck off.' In less than an hour's time, I would be back in my own mercifully freak-free home. And this date would be an increasingly distant memory.
Come half-ten that night, I was aware of a startlingly genuine tension on the air. As if I was actually worried he wouldn't call. Then suddenly, my mobile started ringing. I picked it up. Yup, it was him. I put it down again. For several minutes, my mobile rang and rang. Then it finally rang itself into silence like a baby crying itself to sleep.
Funny enough, I actually felt relieved that he'd called me.
Moral of the story - it's nice to be wanted. Even if it is by a scary freak.
If a guy like that doesn't phone you back, you really do have problems...
J x
| 7 May 09, 9:02 PM touch_of_taboo UK(KA), 3 yrs  |
and some creepy on the side to go... I am so stealing that line, hilarious! Shame about your date though! A x | |
| 7 May 09, 9:58 PM Tenderdom2 3 yrs  |
Ahhh... so that's why women are so chatty with me on first dates. Whatever it is, I'm against it! - Rufus T. Firefly | |
| 7 May 09, 10:19 PM picksy UK(PL), 3 yrs |
Oh and i thought we were getting on great ! I never seen anyone eat chips so fast ! You want to turn your tv down cos i couldnt catch you on the phone later on to arrange our second date ! Now then do you ........... I went on a blind date once ; took her in town nice meal she looked nothing like i had been told and i really dont mean to sound shallow ! When i managed to get her back to the car to take her home i had got a bloody parking ticket ! A wise man once said "dont wipe your bum on a broken bottle " | |
| 7 May 09, 10:48 PM Sandie_X UK, 6 yrs |
Lol, I really enjoyed that ! I have a blind date next wednesday, I so hope I don't have a similiar experience ! Sandie X ps. If I do I'll just do my domme face and start howling at the moon ! "Come and suck on mummy's cock" | |
| 7 May 09, 10:48 PM lushvelvet UK(YO), 5 yrs |
Great blog. Brilliantly written and fabulously funny. Sorry to laugh at your expense but... lmao!
On a more dismal note - i think we've dated the same men  There is nothing more erotic than being understood ~ Molly Haskell ~ | |
| 8 May 09, 12:04 PM ThedaVamp UK, 6 yrs |
Brilliant blog! 
Please check your irony levels before attempting to respond to the majority of my posts. | |
| 8 May 09, 3:13 PM Rhoobarb UK(FK), 11 yrs |
I loved reading this, can't figure out how I've missed your blogs before. I'm off to browse your Blogger blog now  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
