Pride and submission (60)

Well if you don't sharethe same views as your Dom them your submission is bound to falter, even a relationship here requires the to people to share common views and attitudes. So yes you are right there is a link, going with the flow may work sometimes but long term you need to open and share your submission with your Dom.

I am with my Dom, after much searching I found someone I respected on all levels and could submit to 100%. It is because of his intelligence, his humanity, well basically he is someone I admire so the submission came easy.

But, he sometimes likes us to play with others, oh my god whole new can of worms. He feels that when we do that I am still submitting to him, I agree with it up to a point but if the other Dom is someone I find stupid, boring, ignorant, smelly, oh the list goes on and on, I find it so hard to do. I dont get anything out of it. I need to feel respect for a Dom to get any pleasure out of play. I have never refused out of submission to my Dom but can honestly say I suffer it, I endure, I hate every moment but try not to show it.

Someone on here said maybe it isnt pride it is arrogance, I hope not but perhaps it is. I was brought up to have a sense of self worth and if the man in question is someone I wouldnt consider in the vanilla world, I find it sooo hard to accept in the d/s world.

How do I let this go? become as was said a hot, wet gash and wallow in my debasement?

fawn xxxx

In the broader sense it depends whether you are a doormat submissive. If you are a doormat then you should have no pride. Otherwise, you can have pride, you just need to know when to turn it off and submit. I expect to be able to debate issues with a dominant lady, but accept the final decision, and when to stop the debate, will always be hers.

If love is blind, how come lingerie is so popular ?

I think morally humility is better than pride. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, isn't it?

I don't think I would ever however want to be with a dominant man who wasn't happy I had reasonably high self esteem and had a problem with my thinking I am successful in certain areas but nor would I want someone who wanted me going around thinking I'm brilliant.

No, please don't apologise. You're quite right that that *is* worth questioning. And we have done.

The depth of submission is the key point. What I've found is that differences of opinions about things, notably poly, insecurities, and to what extent ownership exists, have made it harder for me to feel that depth of submission.

Important to stress here I think that I am talking about *differing* views on various things. Where from my point of view, I might not do the same thing that he would(simply because I,and my world, are different to him and his). I'm not talking about a sudden realisation that basic things such as honesty and integrity, openness etc are absent. Far from it.

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - Richard Bach, Illusions

Wow, my first reaction to this was actually envy! Because to me that's just the perfect demonstration of control, a perfect mind-fuck. But that's the sort of thing I fantasise about!!

Perhaps that's the point your dominant is trying to make? That because you trust and love and respect him, he can exercise the control permitted by that, to make you do things that you would absolutely not do of your own volition.

He's stamping his will on you. Expects you to obey. You let it go by transmuting it itno just that. Obedience. I think that only doesn't work if you don't understand his motives and how the control and power dynamic works between you?

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - Richard Bach, Illusions

This happened to me - very recently, I suddenly realised she will do as I ask, because I ask it, without hesitation or demurrage (caveat, we do agree where I have control and where i don't) - previously, we'd have had argument and pouting. Now - not. I blogged: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/235265/

Patience is bitter - but its fruit is sweet.

And anyway, if Cinnamon Tart is only concerned about these things then she's alone with her own thoughts, does it matter to anyone else?. If her Dom isn't content with the level of submission she gives him, then it's HIS problem, not her's. He needs a different sub.

Nothing's perfect in this world, and all we can do is to make the best we can of the circumstances as they are at any given time. In even the best relationships each partner has things they dislike or even hate about their other half, but the relationship works because they both are able to push those negative things to the margins and find ways of living with them, because there are loads and loads of other positive things about their partner which they know makes it worth their while to do so. If you can't (or won't?!) do this, then it isn't a relationship!.

As always, we're each one of us an individual, and the ONLY way to relate to each other successfully and rewardingly is through communication.

silverswitch

I don't think I am a prideful person although when I've worked at something and managed to attain it I gain a feeling of satisfaction and yes that does increase my self worth - some evidence that I can give to myself that I am able to attain something, I've contributed something tangible to my life and even more so when I feel I've contributed something to the community I live in.

Now in regards to D/s I kind of had issues regarding this which is way for years I denied this side of me. Nowadays I understand where people like the very lovely leashed cougar is coming from when they talk about being proud of being able to submit - they have been set a strong personal intimate challenge and they have been able to meet the challenge and rather than damaging their self worth it's increased it.

What I find hard is when other subs turn and say I'm not a twue sub because I couldn't express my submission in the same way that leashed cougar can. Everyone's submission is different and it's different from relationship to relationship. That's something which took me time to come to terms with.

I think it's possible to have self worth, integrity and the rest because at the end of the day I think if I Dom was to ask me to do something that would detract from my self-worth or make me do something against my internal belief system then they aren't the right person to me.

I think there is a fine line between doing something which would be damaging to my self-worth and damaging to my pride. And a good Dom would know that and help me to explore my boundaries based on that - which is why I tend to say I prefer Doms to Sadists. I want to be with someone who dominates me but who doesn't get pleasure out of non-physical pain. Physical pain can a pleasure for the giver and me as a receiver. Some non-physical discomfort doesn't and that's not my pride talking it's because I know it would knock my feeling of self worth

Examples could be:

Being made to eat out of a dogs bowl or wear a nappy - neither would turn me on and would (for me) be damaging to my self worth.

Being made to sit on the floor at my Dom's feet would well piss me off actually although a lot of my friends notice that I tend to sit on the floor anyway - and that would be my pride talking and perhaps an area where a Dom could explore my boundaries

Hope this helps Tarty

O bugger me it's hard being interesting all the time. I envy people who can be interesting in 300 characters or less

Very true, silverswitch, very true. This is something that is being communicated about rather a lot at the moment, rest assured.

I just wanted to know if anyone else struggled with trying to rationalise it all. Why and when opinions differ etc...

Thank you everyone. I'm very grateful for all the thoughts and input.

x

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - Richard Bach, Illusions