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| Miss_Despotic |
Today we went to Scarborough, ate some Fish & Chips, dropped in on my Mum. The traffic on the main road coming back looked positively bank holiday-ish, so we decided to take the back roads and drop into York that way. I spent much of my teenage years between Scarborough and Driffield and grew up in York so I know this area well… too well. I tend to avoid the whole vicinity, there are far too many thoughts and feelings I'd rather not revisit and there's something I find rather unsettling about those small town attitudes and trends.
We follow the signs and before I know it long forgotten memories grooves are being kick started back to life with every twist of the country road. If I could drive, I'd be driving with my eyes closed. Every bump and grain store, every hedgerow and road sign, I know. I forgotten I knew but now I'm here the memories are so vivid.
I think it's fair to say I had an unconventional childhood, some of the roads we pass bring back raw recollections of heading back home on winters evenings after visiting my father in prison, flashes of sadness, happiness, some of downright surprise as odd images pop up that haven't been thought of in 15 years or more but I have a taste for this now; this strange intoxicating mix of emotions and memories. I asked J if we could stop by the house I grew up in, in York and have a sudden flash of excitement as we pass the sign for Osbaldwick. We turn into the village to see the church we used to crocodile to, the care home where we used to take the harvest festival gatherings and then we're here, outside the perfect little primary school I went to. Number 2 of 3. The playground seems tiny; the gardens we planted are still there, the assembly hall where I used to practise my dance routines. Bitter sweet memories. Youth so far gone, innocence lost. So many possibilities, so many paths chosen. So much time, yet no time at all.
We headed toward Tang Hall, to the house I grew up in. The estate doesn't seem quite as rough as I remember it- I barely recognise the house at all. I suppose I expected to look at it and see my home, but I see a run down grubby looking council house. I'm not even sure I remember how it used to look. I think our neighbours have moved or died; their house looks vacant. All the streets and the shops seem like miniature versions of the ones I recall. I feel like I'm in a toy town of some place I once knew. Everywhere I look there are memories- most of them insignificant, some of them too hazy to recall whether they're vague memories or snippets of dreams. I feel a strange yearning- like I want to get out of the car and 'capture' something; there's a feeling out there that I used to have and I want to catch it again, but I know it can't be caught nor would I want it in reality. That's no longer my life; I'm no longer that girl. Sometimes I get pangs for this place; I want to come back, to see it, to experience it. Now I've arrived I'm realising there's nothing here for me anymore.
I'm not sad; at least I don't think so. I'm not happy. I'm not entirely sure what I am. Surreal images like yesterday but at the same time like another life. So much has gone since, it doesn't even seem relevant anymore- yet it is, surely?
I'm not really sure why I've penned this self indulgence, except to say that today was a strange day for me. I'm not really sure what I feel. I think it was poignant. I'm not sure it was wholly necessary. But meh. That was my Monday.
| 5 May 09, 11:17 AM condemned UK(M), 11 yrs  |
An absolutely beautiful and poignant piece of writing Miss D,one that brought a lump to my throat and sent me down my own memory lane after reading it. How things that years ago seemed so huge and terrifying to us can seem so small and insignificant when revisited again. Yet.....for a quiet moment we can be spookily transported back in time and become that innocent,sometimes frightened child again,hearing the sounds and ghosts of our past. As you said,not really relevant anymore but it is,as our past forges and shapes our future and is forever entwined with us. Our time on Earth is brief and though it seems to stand still at times in reality it is gone in an instant.Enjoy. | ||
| 5 May 09, 1:40 PM StanBWonderful UK(L), 6 yrs |
Yeah, my brother and I went to visit the places we grew up a while ago. The little school where I learned to read, write and colour-in had bars on the windows and old washing machines outside. Turns out you can't go home  *hug* Stan | ||
| 5 May 09, 7:29 PM jen001 UK(HD), 8 yrs |
the people and places made you into the person you are, none of the ghosts of the past can hurt you now j xx KINKY ELECTRIC - 9th May 2009 kinkyinleeds.co.uk | ||
| 31 May 09, 2:17 PM Nina951 UK(BL), 8 yrs |
Our memories are always tainted and exagerated by our emotions. Difuse the bad ones by visiting and letting reality in but protect the best ones and keep them safe. Nina x Love who you are (and yes, it's my bum again) | ||
| 9 Nov 09, 9:22 PM FairyGirl UK(YO), 2 yrs   |
I know this is old; but I have a number of very close relatives who live in Tang Hall  "Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. | ||
| 9 Nov 09, 9:48 PM Miss_Despotic UK(M), 4 yrs    |
Ah, I've got the measure of you | ||
| 21 Nov 09, 9:05 AM FairyGirl UK(YO), 2 yrs |
Haha! I'm not from there, I is like well-brought up, innit. But my parents own a house in Tang Hall, nice student place. "Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. |
