Posted by juliettex on Wed 22 Apr 09, 6:42 PM to juliettex's blog.
(Another little excerpt from my main blog thenewadventuresofjuliette.blogspot.com. I'm sure you know the drill by now... blah blah, any bits that don't make sense out of context, blah blah, visit my main blog, blah blah, if easily offended, blah blah...)
Well, the delightful Gene Hunt is back on our screens in the new series of Ashes to Ashes. Which, from my personal point of view, is about as welcome as the return of polio.
Like Simon Cowell, Gene Hunt is one of those men that the few people who know my sexual tastes in broad outline always assume I'm going to fancy. And, as with Simon Cowell, this makes me want to batter my head against the nearest wall in complete despair at how staggeringly unobservant so many people are - and how they completely fail to differentiate between 'being a sexy bastard' and 'just being a twat.'
Consequently, I felt the need to draw up the following guidelines:
Juliette's Guide To How To Be A Sexy Bastard (As Opposed To Just Being A Twat)
1 Dress To Impress
What do all credible romantic heroes have in common? Answer - they're all as effortlessly stylish and elegant as it's possible to get without batting for the other team. Personally, I couldn't possibly fantasise about a fellow whose appearance exudes the implicit smell of Brut aftershave on lead guitar and vocals - manky socks on drum and bass.
Yes, Gene Hunt, I'm looking at you.
2 Have A Shitload Of Money
Hey, I never said this list was pretty. Just true. If Mr Darcy had been an unemployed hod carrier renting an East London attic next door to Bill Sikes, he'd have been extraordinarily lucky to get off with the horrifically deformed sixth Bennett sister secretly hidden away in the family cellar. And even then, she'd have had to be pissed.
Come to think of it, she'd still probably have told him to fuck off. On the grounds that he was clearly a boring, obnoxious, suicidally repressed tosser with all the wit, charm and personality of a decomposing wombat.
But it is a truth universally acknowledged that an immensely rich man who hasn't actually got two heads or one nostril immediately becomes sex symbol material even if he's an utter, certified fuckwit.
(Hey, quick game. Arrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying.
SHOOT DON'T MESSENGER THE FUCKING)
3 Get The Balance Right With Your Sexual Politics.
Sylvia Plath once said 'every woman adores a fascist' - and what do you know, the mad old literary luvvy may have had a point.
However - and this is important - every woman does not adore Alf Garnett. (If you are the exception to the rule here, tell your analyst as a matter of urgency - but please, please don't tell me.)
So, while you're certainly not going to make the sexy-bastard list by voting Lib Dem, wearing socks with sandals and starting petitions to save the Lithuanian tree frog from extinction, you're equally unlikely to break into the top five with comments such as 'send 'em all back' and 'bring back hanging, that's what I say.'
Trust me, you will not sound like the ruthless but darkly irresistible hero of an early Jilly Cooper novel.
What you will actually sound like is an embittered taxi driver with a nose like a strawberry and a tree shaped air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror of your ten year old Ford Escort.
And if you search the archives of Literotica for stories entitled 'HOT EMBITTERED TAXI DRIVER WITH A NOSE LIKE A STRAWBERRY AND A TREE SHAPED AIR FRESHENER HANGING FROM THE REAR VIEW MIRROR OF HIS TEN YEAR OLD FORD ESCORT', you will find they are strangely notable by their absence.
Every girl secretly dreams of Mr Right.
But Mr Far Right is considerably less alluring.
4 Abuse Your Women In The Right Way
A corollary from the last point. Yes, there's a cavewoman in all of us - Darwin didn't get famous for nothing, and a million years of evolution have not obligingly disappeared in the human sexual psyche without a trace. Show me a woman who prefers to be the boss in the bedroom, and I'll show you a cat who loves swimming... they certainly exist out there, but they're not exactly what you might call 'numerous.'
HOWEVER. There is a big, big difference between 'excitingly masterful, dominant man' and 'scary wife beater.' And, although they're clearly very different things - for a start, the former is likely to get your name on the Sex God Of The Year List, while the latter is likely to get your name on the Sex Offender's Register - it can be difficult to know exactly where to draw the dividing line.
Consequently, many men get extremely confused as to What Women Want. On message boards like this one, you can see the grimly fascinating consequences via a selection of aggrieved posts.
'Women. I don't know. When I write them eight-page-long love letters and offer to lend them my car for the weekend, they say I'm too nice and they don't want to go out with me. But when I call them a fucking slag bitch and punch them in the face, they call the police. Barmy, the lot of 'em.'
For a little guidance on how to get the delicate balance right, look at Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind. Specifically, that scene where he says 'this is one night you're not turning me out of your bed,' picks Scarlett up forcibly and sweeps her up the staircase in his arms. Okay, it's about as politically correct as Sunflower the centaur - and perhaps the best advert ever for that tragically underrated product Marital Rape. But I maintain that it would be a rare (and possibly bi-curious) woman who did not find this even slightly hot.
But gentlement of this world, please note. Rhett Butler did not say 'where's my fahkin dinner?You SLAAAAG.'
Then punch her in the face.
I mean, really. This isn't rocket science, is it?
As you will see, in all these areas, the likes of Jose 'Sexiest Man Evah' Mourinho are scoring high 8 and 9s across the board.
While Gene Hunt is holding steady with a solid Nil Points.
I really can't stand Gene Hunt, anyway.
And is it a coincidence that the name is such irresistible rhyming slang?
J x
| 22 Apr 09, 7:02 PM Tenderdom2 3 yrs  |
That was really just far, far too good. You ought to give up the day job. (Unless your day job is as a columnist/novelist/professional wise-ass, that is.) And Simon Cowell? I've never actually watched Stars in Their Eyes or whatever the hell that stupid talent show is called, and I don't think I've ever head him speak. But somehow I just know he's a total c**t. Whatever it is, I'm against it! - Rufus T. Firefly |
| 22 Apr 09, 10:44 PM magpieuk UK(LA), 4 yrs       |
O god funny as ever but slightly ashamed of my Gene Hunt/ Simon Cowell fixation now..... O bugger me it's hard being interesting all the time. I envy people who can be interesting in 300 characters or less |
| 23 Apr 09, 2:03 AM Tovarich UK, 6 yrs |
You think Gene Hunt's a dom?! He's just a sub who's never let that deny his masculinity, and that simpering Alex Drake isn't worth his time.
Can't wait for the episode where he meets Jackie Malton Tovarich is a combination of frothy comedy with bitter political undertones.- googlism Edited 23 Apr 09, 2:06 AM by Tovarich |
| 23 Apr 09, 8:08 PM Dommy_nick UK(WS), 6 yrs |
<laughs> That's damn funny, well done you! <goes off chuckling> Dommy_nick Socks socks socks sock socks socks |
| 23 Apr 09, 8:52 PM juliettex UK, 3 yrs |
Well thank you all very much - and I would dearly love to give up my day job, if only there was any way to make writing this sort of thing pay actual money!!! *sigh* if only... For more random articles, rants and general entertainment, please wander along to my main blog some time... J x |
