This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Mon 20 Apr 09, 5:13 PM GrogBlossom UK(N), 3 yrs  |
*Takes big calming breath* Ok, I'm a bit of a newbie, and I'd really like some opinions. I've never posted here before, so if I've done something wrong, please tell me and I'll grovel! I met a Dom for coffee briefly last week, in a very vanilla setting, and we got on well enough that we agreed to meet in the pub this week to talk in more detail about the pervy side of things. I was quite clear about the fact that I'm looking for a person first, and a whipping second. He seemed to understand and agree with this, and I was looking forward to seeing him this week. This afternoon I got a text telling me exactly what he wanted me to wear when we meet (boots, skirt, hold-ups). Now, if I knew him better, I wouldn't have a problem with this at all, but I'm not his sub yet, and may never be. I understand that he may be testing my willingness to take orders, but seeing as I'm new to this, and I hardly know him, I don't quite know what to say. If we were already involved in a D/s relationship, of course I'd wear what he wanted and do what he told me, but I'm unsure about whether I'm happy about him introducing a D/s dynamic so early on. Equally, I don't want to put him off by refusing to wear what he wants. Am I being silly about this? | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:23 PM crackedporcelain UK(DT), 3 yrs |
Awkward one. Sometimes you fall into D/s, it is there from the first moment and you can't help but do as he asks, because his dissapointment would sting too much. On the other hand, unless you have formally agreed what your situation is, it can go tits up. I have also been in the situation where he was controlling aspects of my life as if we were in an exclusive relationship, but not showing the commitment to the realtionship he needed to do. Playing around with requests etc can be fun and exciting, but I think at an early stage he must understand that your compliance is your choice, not his right, until he takes up the accompanying responsibilities. In summary, I would say do what you are comfortable with. If you would wear that sort of thing anyway, then go with it, if he is asking for something a lot more extreme than you would normally go for, how about a compromise. For instance I was once asked to go on a date in a PVC hobble dress, which would not usually be daytime wear for me, so I went for a fabric hobble skirt and corset, which is far more my usual style, but put a nod in the direction of his preference. | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:26 PM little_miss_precious UK(CF), 3 yrs |
No your not being silly. I can understand the issue. You're uncomfortable with following orders so early on because it implys a relationship already exists that isnt there yet but you dont want to seem disrespectful or put him off either. If it was me I would just send him a polite reply telling him that I wasnt comfortable with taking orders like that at this stage in the relationship (after all you did say person first, whipping after) and that you'd like to get to know him better before relinquishing any control to him. I've always felt that before a D/s relationship really takes off the dominant has to somehow prove to me that they are deserving of my submission, i need to develop respect for them and I think thats pretty important in that sort of relationship. sometimes that can happen very quickly, sometimes it takes more work but its up to you when you feel that point has been reached. If you start submiting before you really feel you want to you wont be true to yourself or really be truthful with him either. you are not his submissive until you decide you want to be so for now it is absolutely fine to stand your ground and refuse to do something that makes you uneasy. In fact he may respect you more for it. thats just my two pence worth, I hope things go well. Little_miss_precious | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:26 PM rft777 UK(PL), 10 yrs  |
no, you're not being silly, just aware of some reservations... I do feel that the behaviour is a little presumptuous, a step too far too early perhaps. Talking would be the answer, as it often is? As a newby, I would suggest being very careful in all this - do you have any references on this person, is he known on the scene? Talk to fellow subs, get to a munch and meet people... feel free to PM me if you wish - and remember there is no race in all this, small successful and enjoyable steps are much better than large unsuccessful ones. If the prospective dom can't take discussion or feedback from a sub, they're not worth it, and probably dangerous too IMO Edited 20 Apr 09, 5:38 PM by rft777 | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:38 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
It's a difficult one. If you haven't exchanged a lot of emails already, don't feel submissive to him and don't want to wear what he says then just say so but if it's no trouble to put on a skirt anyway then do it or tell him you'll be happy to do it but you haven't obviously decided yet if you will submit to him so he isn't to draw any conclusions from your compliance. | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:46 PM FreeKinker UK(PE), 10 yrs |
Maybe the question to ask is whether there is any reason not to comply? If you are new and think you might like to be a submissive, then surely it's helpful to try a few small steps into being submissive whether you have progressed to a relationship or not? Unless you are unsure of your safety, or the person who is a potential Dom, I think it would be a positive thing. You might also ask yourself what type of Top / Dom you are looking for? If you are eventually looking for a Master who will apply close control then why not test it out like this in small ways. If you are looking for play that is more sessional, or only in certain ways then be clear about this so as to not attract people looking for something different. I am not suggesting you do something you are not comfortable with but what we do is supposed to be fun! If you don't think this would be fun to do, its important to ask why because it might tell you more about yourself. I don't think it is at all unusual to indulge in some exploration of what you want before you are sure of a relationship going ahead. Maybe the real issue is you want to agree some boundaries and haven't discussed it yet? I agree with the poster who said people often get too deep into a one sided relationship and end up hurt. This happens in kinky and vanilla relationships. It's certainly good to have boundaries agreed if you fear that possibility.
vMaster aka Mike Web Site: http://www.vmaster.me.uk/ Purple Passions: http://www.purplepassions.org.uk/ Peterborough Munch web site - www.pboro-fads.org.uk/ | |
| 20 Apr 09, 5:58 PM augusta UK, 8 yrs |
No, you're not but.......... does it matter? It's not as if he's asked you to wear anything particularly revealing or fetishy. And it's not as if he's asked you to do something that would necessarily compromise you in public, or with regard to any future times you may see him. By complying you would not only be giving yourself the opportunity to demonstrate your (possible) willingness to submit, but also giving him the opportunity to exercise his dominant nature. Even if the relationship goes no further, surely that alone is an enjoyable thing to do? And whilst I'm on the subject of relationships, you say (quite rightly): "If we were already involved in a D/s relationship, of course I'd wear what he wanted and do what he told me, but I'm unsure about whether I'm happy about him introducing a D/s dynamic so early on". I agree.... but up to a point. The problem with this is...... how will you know when you're already involved? Is it a finite number of meetings? A certain length of time of knowing him? And what happens in the interim? Up until you are "involved" will you resist all his attempts to bring any element of his control into the mix? That sounds like an unworkable - and frankly rather dull! - way to proceed. At the risk of sounding horribly patronising (sorry, it's sometimes how I come across, but it's not intended), have some self-confidence, particularly in your ability to say "no, this isn't for me" even after you've followed some of his instructions. And have some confidence in him, too, and his understanding that you don't want to go too fast, too soon (assuming you've told him this already!). My advice: do it anyway. It seems to me you have absolutely nothing to lose in doing so, and very possibly everything to gain. ~ Snasserrfrasserrrrasserrrr ~ | |
| 20 Apr 09, 6:05 PM Protocol 4 yrs |
Do you WANT to do it? It sounds like you don't. In that case, don't. But if you DO want to? Then wear it. You're defining the rules of the game as you go along when you're dating and that's a two way process. Personally I'd never dream of telling someone what to wear on the second date. I think it's tacky and presumptuous. A lot of people would think otherwise. Which type of person are you? | |
| 20 Apr 09, 6:07 PM Protocol 4 yrs |
Do you think? That's almost akin to arguing that sadists (such as myself) should find it enjoyable to tweak the nipples of strangers on the tube, simply because that's what we're into and whatever body we're doing it to doesn't matter. Like I said, I find this request tacky and, well, a bit embarrassing. But surely what's important is whether the poster feels that or not? | |
| 20 Apr 09, 6:11 PM LovingHusband 3 yrs |
I don't think you are being silly at all. He is being presumptuous and arrogant. I'd show up in overalls and wellies. LovingHusband | |
| 20 Apr 09, 6:16 PM masterofpuppets UK(MK), 5 yrs |
NO! You are not being sill at all, in my opinion. You are obviously a little taken aback and uncomfortable with this, at such an early stage. I strongly believe that you should go with your gut instincts about this. Your " Dom " might just be nervous and clumsy but he could also be a complete, controlling jerk! Please, be very careful and trust your own feelings. Remember, your safety is paramount at all times. |
