This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Sun 19 Apr 09, 11:28 AM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs   |
I'm hoping for a bit of insight into how other dominants manage a stable of subs. In the past I have only had one sub at a time but... have you had more than one? If you have, how did/do you manage them and your diary? Do you ever get them all together and enjoy time as a group or do you prefer to see them one at a time? How have your subs reacted to being told they're only one of several? Have you chosen to have a prime sub or are they all on an equal footing? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, practices and advice on how you think it is best to manage a stable.
C x "Truth is stranger than fiction." | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 4:57 PM Degenerate  UK(M), 4 yrs   |
Uhm I would never say I had a stable. I do however usually have more than one partner.
However suits me best, within their capability.
Both, regularly. I used to keep everything separate but i am completely converted to everyone having some level of involvement and find it far better.
They all knew before they were involved with me. I tend to think telling them afterwards is a bit late. So the people I get in relationship with are people who are open to or seeking to be in this sort of situation. Often when people ask aboiut this it's because they have it in mind that everyone must want the same thing, so it must be some kind of sacrifice to not be having all of someone's time and to be their only focus, but many do not want this at all and for their own reasons do not seek this kind of relationship. basically if the person becoming involved IS really wanting a monogamous relationship, it's already looking unlikely to work. It's eaiser to do and more likely to work with people who are interested in this kind of relationship, not trying to make people learn to like it. Yes even with submissives
*grin* there's something ironic to me about the idea of having a prime submissive.. do you mean a kind of primary (as in main/prioritised) partner? Nobody is in the same relationship as anyone else so I find trying to measure them against each other inherently problematic, on which basis would it be measured - how developed their submission is? How romantic we feel? How many minutes we are together? (bearing in mind none of my partners live with me)I tend to look below the measuring/ heirarchy type system to think of people as more involved / spends more time / more invested, and so on, without trying to attach this to other words which imply 'more important/top of the pile/main' or in a way which labels them as somehow less equal to another partner. This does not, however, mean that they do not decide themselves, for example, that being around more often means they are more important, but I find that distasteful as a trait. For me, priority systems, except for me just doing what I want when I want and with whom I want (ie I am the priority), are more likely to be based around need than value judgement or rank/heirarchy or amount of involvement. so. If any partner is in particular need I will try to prioritise them, whether they are the most invested/involved/around most often one or not. That is one of the things they all need to accept. So for example, when my least involved partner was going through a terrible time and needed more support than usual, he had more of my time. Everyone understands this and accepts this. This is how it works for me with nobody live-in. However, things were quite different when I had a live in partner and it felt quite clearly that they were the primary and other relationships were literally secondary to this, though I would have also then struggled with the idea that the partners are less equal, they just have differing levels of involvement in much the same way as my non live in partners do now, except more pronounced.
I don't know how anyone else does it, but it's a bit of a juggling act. Simply, it is harder than managing one partner but it has many added benefits, not least that if you can pull your circle together, the support is also present between partners for each other too as they build their own relationship within the structure. A problem for me with such multiple relationships is that to develop a complex D/s relationship takes a lot of time and effort and doing this with more than one person is not always easy, the intensity of such relationships do rather lend themselves well to monogamy as it's simpler. I often think I could easily still not have enough time with my partners to do everything we want even if I were living i with one of them only and they were my only partner, but then I probably spend too much time over analysing. Another problem I encounter as a poly person is that time only stretches so far, despite my emotions appearing to be infinite. This said, having two submissives flitting around getting things done so everyone can have a nice family afternoon is something which makes us some of my fondest memories. With the right combination of people who are all happy, and content, it can be so wonderful, loving. Some ideas for dealing with multiple relationships, but this is just my way so obviously take or leave it, and just see if this is helpful or adapt it to your situation: * Unrealistic expectations on anyone's behalf can be a problem so make sure everyone knows what they can expect, what they have, who they are to you and what that means. Be ready to provide lots of reassurance in these matters. * Relationships should succeed or fail based on their own merits, so watch out for inappropriate influences including from yourself. * I think people in general find this easier when they know each other and are given opportunities to gain respect for each other directly rather than by instruction. * If there is going to be some sort of hierarchy then be explicit about it and honest and willing to accept if it is not in someone's best interests or not suitable for them, even if you love it. * Foster a code of conduct where everyone understand you as the centre of a circle will try act in everyone's best interests at all times, and this can involve some compromises. * Understand that being jealous sometimes is normal, it's what we do with those feelings that causes problems. e.g. feel what you like but always act with integrity, love for your dominant and respect for everyone in the circle. * Make sure you have good communication systems with your submissives so they know they can come and talk to you if they need to, and how they should approach that. * Watch out for competitiveness, not only is it unbecoming but it is destructive. Co-operation and an understanding attitude is in everyone's best interests and what goes around comes around. Last and most important, there is no formula for this, partof the skill of the dominant in this sort of situation is working out how it will work best with the actual people concerned. People do not easily fit into rigid pre-defined roles. Allow your instincts and knowledge of your partners to guide you in how to build your circle. It's your unique relationships and only you can work out how it will best operate, often by trial and error. De Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk Edited 19 Apr 09, 5:13 PM by Degenerate | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 6:21 PM Arceye UK(S), 7 yrs  |
Yes I have a coterie of four subbies, was six until recently...some of them have met, sometimes I've managed to get two to visit at the same time, but for us that did not work too well. They all know I have more than one subby, and they all have their own favourite games, so I do not get bored! We would all be friends whether we had this kinky interest in common or not. And they like to travel to see me, which works cos I don't have a car. | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 8:19 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
WOW...! Thank you... so much, for such an indepth reply. You have gone into great detail - I've already read it twice and will have to read it again to absorb all that you have written. I can only hope that any further replies are as informative and may throw some other opinions/alternative options into the pot. x "Truth is stranger than fiction." | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:19 PM x_Thunder_x UK(E), 9 yrs      |
Funnily enough when I was out with gal rosa today I popped into a branch of Ryman's and bought myself a rather large diary to try to sort things out. As she and leashed cougar have complex working arrangements it can be difficult and, for instance, this week I've been with gal rosa today (and here for tonight) then in the morning after going to a client I'm off to leashed cougars till Wednesday morning then she is joining us on Friday for the weekend, then she is off and i'm going to a party with gal rosa Monday. Having entered gal rosa's work schedule in it till the end of May I will on Tuesday do the same with leashed cougar (there is also my own private life and business to plot in)
Again depends on time constraints but as my profile says we are a "Trinity" sometimes we share each others time sometimes it's just 2 of us
Takes a lot of patience from everyone but worth it if it works
^Thunder^ Edited 19 Apr 09, 9:20 PM by x_Thunder_x | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:22 PM Miss_Hardy UK(E), 5 yrs  |
O rly? Lol
"Have people always been this angry? I've got this really funny idea that before the internet people would just write FUCK YOU! and attach it to pigeons" - Russell Howard Edited 19 Apr 09, 9:23 PM by Miss_Hardy | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:28 PM x_Thunder_x UK(E), 9 yrs |
Oh shit ^Thunder^ | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:30 PM LittleMissEvil UK(BR), 4 yrs |
Public Scat play Some people say i am evil, i have no idea why they think that. | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:42 PM Degenerate UK(M), 4 yrs |
*grins at Thunder sympathetically* someone needs to add some days to the week! I could do with at least another two 
Another tip schedule wise with partners who have a regular work pattern is to have set days when certain things happen, then there's less scrabbling around to fit things in every week. EG for a while we had a Sunday meal here which was for anyone in the circle who could make it - one of my partners then used to usually see me on a particular day on their own. Currently we know three days per week one particular partner will be here. Having some regular meeting times can ease the feeling of anxiety about when we'll next meet, etc. Actually I am now wondering whether I need to have everyone on this kind of a structure and if it would help.
Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:44 PM Iphis_me UK(E), 4 yrs |
We can't do that as both leashed cougar and I have irregular schedules. However Thunder said this afternoon that he tries, each time we meet, for us to know at least when the next time will be. And yes, it does help.
"That hurts......please don't stop!" | ||||||
| 19 Apr 09, 9:56 PM Degenerate UK(M), 4 yrs |
Ah yes and that would be the perfect solution to a particular problem arising from having three days blocked out per week, trying to make sure everyone else gets time. Thanks Thunder / gal_rosa I think I just got the tip I needed myself as I have been having some problems with this as we all get used to a new situation Another thing I have been reminded of recently is that even when someone seems to be far less involved, with maybe less frequent meetings than the other/s, or is in a less developed relationship, their time is just as important to them as it is to everyone else, even though there is less of it. It can be easy to think that because someone wants less time that it matters less too, but I have been reminded by that particular partner (indirectly) that this is not the case. Cor times of change can be a pain in the bottom and this thread is giving me a kick up the arse to do some more work on our scheduling system. De Sign up to CAAN's statement www.caan.org.uk Edited 19 Apr 09, 10:00 PM by Degenerate |
!
thats kinda extream!