Posted by hailstone on Thu 9 Apr 09, 1:32 PM to hailstone's blog.
The gentle rocking of the train carriage had for the last hour lulled her somewhat; she was completely aware of what she was doing, where today was going to take her, but somehow the train had eased her, made her almost feel secure and relaxed. The fields passing by, the people she had seen going about their business, normal things going on around her. Listening to her music, she had somehow taken away the anxiety she had felt when she left home.
She looked at her watch, and gasped in 8 minutes her train journey would end, instantly she felt waves of nerves crash over her, she felt her mouth go dry, her thoughts on him and what would happen. She wondered if he felt nervous, if he had any idea of how scared she was. She looked at other passengers nearby, she felt sure they knew what she was doing. Of course they were not taking any notice at all, lost in their own little worlds as she was in hers.
She took a long drink of her water, and her thoughts moved onto her family and what they would think, she didn't hide anything from them, but neither did she tell them exactly what she was doing.
She glanced at a young couple sat a few seats away, they appeared to be having an argument. A man in the next aisle was reading his paper, a woman a few seats away was trying to control her unruly kids. Normality all around her. How could this be when she felt in such turmoil.
She was going to a town she had never been to before, to meet up with a man she had met a few times, but suddenly realised she knew very little about, for goodness sake she didn't even know his last name. They were meeting for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure. She a seemingly worldly wise, fairly intelligent woman, old enough to know better, wise enough to know this world was not ideal and contained far too many dangers, was on her way to a hotel to meet up with a man purely for kinky, deviant, risk and degrading play. She knew it was simply lust that had brought her to this day. Had she lost all her senses? What the hell did she think she was doing? She had to stop this now; she must get off this train and go back to reality, back to her life where she was a decent person. She could imagine just what she would say to anyone else who told her they planned to do the same thing she was doing now. She felt her heart pound in her chest; the train seemed to be mocking her, going faster, the next station passed in a blur. She had to go home she could not go through with this. She didn't know how she had found herself at this moment in time, she just knew she had ridden the waves and this was where she had ended up. All the months of chatting, texts, sexual innuendo, blatant forthright talk, it was just that wasn't it? Just like a fantasy that had gone on a long time, you don't have to make fantasy into reality. How could she live up to what she had portrayed to him? Him who she found difficult to give a name to, his real name didn't feel right, his chat name, although him, she was aware it wasn't right. The name he would expect from her, would not happen, she could not and would not give in to that one. She knew almost nothing at all about him, yet so much. He turned her on, he made her think, he was a constant presence in her thoughts. She had told him more about her deepest desires than any other person ever before. He could make her body react so wantonly just by text message. He had made her orgasm time after time without even touching her, he had opened her mind so he could walk right into it and play as he chose. She didn't know why but her trust in him was total, she felt safe with him, she knew she would submit entirely to him. His control complex, deep and almost without a chink. If she concentrated on the memory of his voice saying “come for me” she could, she knew she had little defence left, she knew she didn't want to defend herself, she wanted to surrender to him and follow this winding road to where ever it led.
She told herself “stop this madness now”, up to this point she had some semblance of control, she knew she was out of her depth, she had to go back to a safer place, and she felt total panic, her guts churning. Her mind back on him again. She tried to assess her feelings for him; she was confused by what she felt. This emotional roller coaster she could not get off. She was fond of him, she lusted after him, there was a connection she couldn't break, she knew it wasn't love; she couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was. At times it was hatred she felt for him, he could make her so angry. She had tried so hard to walk away from this and couldn't, He was her addiction. Like a drug that is bad for you, she could list easily reasons to get him out of her life yet the need for more of him easily outweighed every argument against him. Her life would be much easier without him in it; she could go back to what? She couldn't even remember how she felt about things before him. He was an incredible itch she had. She told herself today was about scratching that itch and curing herself of it for good. She told herself today was the magic potion that would banish that itch for good.
As the train slowed down into the station, she knew without a doubt she would see today through, she had no choice, she knew today was the natural conclusion of what had gone before.
What will be will be.
The train stopped, her journey had ended, and her journey was just about to begin. She waited until everyone else got off, then confidently she walked off the train out onto the forecourt. She saw the hotel they had arranged to meet at and walked towards it. She was trembling inside, her legs like jelly, unsure of how she managed to remain standing up. She felt emotionally wrecked inside. She was petrified yet excited, she was decent, yet his slut. She was strong, yet weak. She loved the total contradiction of how she felt. She went into the hotel, into the bathroom in reception to freshen up. She sent him a text, 'I'm here', immediately his answer came back 'room 249, 3rd floor'. She looked at herself in the mirror, straight into her brown eyes, trying to look past what she could see, looking for signs of what she couldn't, trying to look into her own soul. She asked herself “what am I doing?” told herself “its not too late to walk away” her mind shouted at her “you know what your doing and you cannot walk away” she brushed her hair and swallowed the hard lump of terror that had formed in her throat.
She took the lift to the 3rd floor, hoping it would jam and she could get out of this madness without looking like a fool. Her floor. She walked towards the room, looking at door numbers as she passed, her step faltered as she reached room 240, told herself once more “get out of here you crazy woman”.
She heard a door open ahead, she looked up and saw him standing there, she looked at him, and she knew she wanted this man, everything about the way he looked, her body yearning to feel his touch. She wanted to just be in his presence. He made her feel complete. She so desperately wanted this. Her mind was telling her to tell him you're sorry you made a mistake, your going home. You don't have to do this, her body told her different. She felt as if she would faint, her pulse racing, her heart beating erratically and wild, her palms sweating, she felt herself blush, why do I want him so much? He saw her hesitation but couldn't know what she was thinking, or could he? He didn't speak, just motioned with his head she should enter the room, her mind screaming “no” at her, her body almost trance like obeying his signal going of its own accord to where he had told her. She passed him, felt the heat of him, smelt his scent, he hadn't touched her yet she felt like his hands were all over her, every nerve in her body magnetically pulled towards him. He shut the door, her escape. He locked it; she felt the room close in on her, cut off from reality, no way out. She felt herself shaking, yet she felt herself secure and comforted.
At last he spoke, “are you ok?" He asked
Of course I am, I'm fine, I'm confident, you don't scare me. You're only a person like me. I'm slightly nervous but hell yes I'm fine. Instead she said, “I'm petrified”. He walked over to her, removed her coat, stroked her arm and said “good”. She felt the jolt of electricity where he had touched her arm, she felt a steely determination reassert itself in her back bone, she took a deep breath and told herself, he isn't going to do this, I am stronger than him, I am not a gibbering wreck. His arrogance annoyed her, his cocky self assured attitude made her angry. Why was he so bloody confident? This was the part of him she hated, yet admired. It's a game, a game I can win she told herself. She would fight this fight, she could not afford to lose it, and she could bluff it even if she felt she was losing.
He sat on the bed, she stood awkwardly not knowing what to do, what to say, she knew she was incredibly turned on, her fear acting like a prehistoric aphrodisiac. She wanted to take the lead, to go to him to touch him, yet her need to be used by him far greater. He patted the bed beside him; she walked to him and sat where he had indicated. Taking care to ensure there was a gap between them, he looked so calm and relaxed, he showed no outward sign of being nervous. She bowed her head and felt embarrassed about what she was doing. Her adrenalin coursing through her veins, her body so alert to him.
“you came, you know why, you know what is going to happen here today, are you sure this is what you want?” He asked.
She panicked, thinking he doesn't want this, he wants out, was this his way of saving face? Course I don't know what I'm doing, no I don't want this, I have to go home now. I am not really submissive. Lets just go and have a coffee and forget this blip.
Yet her voice said “yes I know what I am doing, yes I want this”
He stood and paced to the window, she felt lonely without him at her side, he stood looking at her, she felt empowered by what she thought was his discomfort. She looked at him, she knew her eyes were full of mischief, she felt she had scored a point somehow and was winning this game.
He sighed, and pointed to the floor at his feet, she knew. she felt herself blush; she walked to him, looking in his eyes the whole time, stopping in front of him and knelt at his feet. She felt her defiance by looking at him, making him feel uncomfortable, if he thought she was going to lower her eyes and act like a real life subbie he was mistaken.
She jumped as he barked at her “Now answer me properly”
The bastard she thought, No she screamed in her head, I will not do it, I will not call you that word. You are not, I am not, I cannot say it, you will not make me, it is one thing I will hold onto. i will never call anyone that word, i am a free spirit. He has no chance, i'll go home first.
She knew she had to show him she respected him, she knew she had to obey him, she knew at this moment in time she was not his equal, she was here for the sole purpose of serving him. It was a silly mistake to make, she chided herself. She lowered her gaze from him and said “yes Sir”.
He chuckled, “Better” he said, “but have I been wasting my time with you? stop fucking about and answer me properly”.
She knew what she had to do, she had not anticipated he would require this from her so soon, he knew she hated this, she had fought him to hold out on this point, he was immediately humiliating her, she had handed him this ammunition to use against her, she had been so stupid. She could not give in so easily on this one thing, she knew she had failed at the very first hurdle; she would never give in to this. She squirmed in her discomfort. The silence seemed to last forever, finally he broke it,
“I am waiting for your answer slut”
She hated herself for this, she hated him for this, “yes Master” a lone tear escaped, she bowed her head in shame.
“Look at me slut, and tell me, did you just say something”
Oh god she thought, please don't make me do this again, she told herself it's just a word, it means nothing. He is really enjoying this initial power struggle, and I am hating it, I am hating him, he can get lost I will not say it again.
She spoke clearly while looking straight into his eyes, “yes Master”
He smiled, “is that the answer to my first question?”
“Yes Master” god she hated him
“It wasn't that hard was it slut?”
She shook her head,
He tutted, “girl I am not going to have to keep reminding you of this most basic thing I require am I?”
She bit her lip, she felt her anger building, and silently she seethed. He can go and jump, i'm not playing, one of the limits i told him i would hold onto is calling him Master, 'nobody is my Master, i am a free sub'
Her annoyance audibly visible in her tone, “No Master, you will not need to remind me again”
“So you understand now girl?”
She hated herself for this most basic weakness, her inability in his presence to preserve and protect her one rule.
“Yes Master I understand” she snapped.
Quietly he said
“ you can get rid of the attitude right now girl, you will do this, you will do it my way, and you will thank me for it, I am not here to serve you, you are here for my use. The only pride you will feel is pride in my pleasure, the fight you are holding onto you can leave outside of this, there is no fight, you have just proved that. You told me you would never call me Master, you did that within the first few minutes. I am your Master, you are my slut, I want you to look at me and tell me you understand this”
She sat stunned at his words, she recognised the truth in them, she was so bloody easy. But if he thought he was going to rub it in he could get lost, she had done what he wanted but was not going to carry on with it, she'd call him Sir and he could just get used to it. She looked up at him and said;
“Yes Master I understand”
He laughed a cruel laugh, “Not so easy girl, tell me what i asked”
She felt a tear pricking the back of her eye, she felt her cheeks on fire with embarrassment, she looked at him, she knew she was his submissive, she need to do this, she wanted to please him, he had within a very short time, broke her.
She softly said “I am your slut, you are my Master”
He touched her head, “Good girl, but don't make me drag things from you, give them freely”
She knew she had lost as she replied “yes Master”
He went back to the bed and sat to her right, she didn't know if she should stay where she was or if she should turn herself to face him. Her mind wandered back to the train journey here which felt like ages ago, her thoughts of stop this madness. She knew he was going to push her, she knew her comfort zones were going to be shattered, she knew she was going to have to test her own strength, she knew she would not fail, she knew she was his slut, his toy to play with, she knew it was what she wanted, whe knew knelt here was where she belonged, she felt she knew where this was going to lead. This first step she had taken had to be the toughest, or did it? If only she knew……………
Edited Thu 9 Apr 09, 2:17 PM by hailstone
| 9 Apr 09, 9:44 PM TwistedDragon 9 yrs |
I enjoyed that, nice writing
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| 10 Apr 09, 11:51 AM hailstone UK(HD), 9 yrs |
Thank you  |
