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Posted by ThedaVamp on Fri 27 Mar 09, 11:39 AM to ThedaVamp's blog.
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/231422/0#...
The above blog and it's orignator letters by Ricky Buchanan, inspired me to adapt the open letter to one that covers depression and anxiety.
An open letter to those without depression
Having depression means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about depression and it's effects on people; and many of those who think they do know are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand.
These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me: Please understand that being depressed and anxious does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in an anxious state and sometimes I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me. I still worry about bills. work, and my family and friends, and I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not depressed any more, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy.
Please understand that being able to socialise for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can socialise for an hour or a whole evening. Just because I was able to chat to friends and laugh yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today.
With depression it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year I may have normal - or almost normal - moods; the next hour or day or week or year I may be unable to sit still, go out, stop crying, think clearly, breathe, or even get out of bed. I have good days and bad, and during my good days I may truly not "look sick", but I am.
Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a 50/50 gamble at best, because I can't know how I will feel or what my mental or emotional condition will be. If I seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because I truly don't know if I will be able to honour them. The same applies if I have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes me as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what depression does to me, and it's how I'm made to live my life. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching myself up; believe me if I could, I would!
Please understand that depression and anxiety is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or go out with my friends, or swim 12 laps, or even run chores for 6 hours at a time; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, talking on the phone, or be unable to leave the house.
Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to my own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what state I will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be mentally unable to do so.
Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon. Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. As I'm capable of doing such things, don't you think I would have already? I DO! I work with my doctors and therapist and support people that I have.
Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously pushing myself beyond comfortable psychological limits can be dangerous and cause a relapse. On the other hand, doing what I can when I can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and I do! My stress levels are simply different to yours. It's not weakness or lack of determination, it's just the way my brain works.
Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will probably need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down.
When I say I can't do something because I am feeling low, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because unless you've experienced lying in one position for four hours, eyes constantly leaking, staring at the waffle pattern on the sofa throw and wishing you were invisible, for no palpable reason - you don't. However I may well be just plain tired!
When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, get out of here, get a drink, breathe in this bag, or get into a quiet place that I have to do it and do it now!. Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask – I'm ridiculously proud and never want to be a burden.
My independence is of paramount importance to me! Please help by listening to and believing what I say I need and act upon it accordingly. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question me or urge me to 'keep on... we are almost there!'
If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself more depressed, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of depression the world would know about it.
If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctor.
In many ways I depend on you... people who are not depressed... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with organizing the basics like bill paying, or budgetting; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it's possible... I need you to understand me.
Edited Sat 28 Mar 09, 12:45 PM by ThedaVamp
| 27 Mar 09, 11:45 AM fawn4n UK, 8 yrs |
spot on! |
| 27 Mar 09, 11:48 AM just_six UK(CH), 10 yrs  |
totally empathise will all of that...well written! |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:00 PM MsNemi UK, 4 yrs |
I'm going to nick that and staple it to certain people's foreheads. Thank you  .One of God's own prototypes, a high powered mutant of some kind, never considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die. |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:03 PM Ravager UK(DH), 6 yrs  |
The fact that you know and understand you have depression is good It means your well on the way to beating it. Speaking from experiance here I denied well, didnt realise its what was wrong with me for yrs. Ended up under the table silently screaming one day thank god for the help I got then dread to think if i hadnt got that what would have happend. I think the above captures the lonely road you walk with any (none visible )illness. I wish you well today and always Be Safe Be Happy |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:06 PM Corwin UK(L), 11 yrs |
Brilliant! It sums things up so well for me. Vision without action is just a dream, action without vision just passes the time. With action and vision you can change the world. |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:09 PM Ravager UK(DH), 6 yrs |
Afterthought but one good thing about forums like this if your depressed you soon realise your not as alone as you feared I think that helps Be Safe Be Happy |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:20 PM The_Colonel_Whatwhat 3 yrs |
Awesome. Just like you xxxx Forgets its only a website |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:33 PM Lj_switch UK, 3 yrs  |
been there... always remember a friend saying "don't you feel ashamed that you can't snap out of it" my printable reply was "are you ashamed when you get a headache or a cold?" |
| 27 Mar 09, 12:35 PM Ravager UK(DH), 6 yrs |
Now that is a very good reply Be Safe Be Happy |
| 27 Mar 09, 1:17 PM cheshire_girl1983 UK(SK), 5 yrs |
Well done and Thankyou. xxx |
