Rewriting History (0)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Sun 15 Mar 09, 9:05 AM

Some people make an art of it. You know the ones, they change the world according to what they want to remember happened, as opposed to what really happened. In some ways we need to do that, our brains do that for us, to help us be happier, keep us sane….. I suppose…. Me? I've always been a starkly upfront face the facts and suck it up kind of gal. I think so anyway? After all, do people who rewrite their own history realise they are doing it?

I have several prime examples but will give you this one. When I was 11, my elder sister (14) and I were playing leap frog in our living room. We had specifically been told not to play such games inside the house… But hey, Mum and Dad were out, and we'd been sworn to best behaviour, and left alone. This rarely happened as our parents were manic about never leaving us alone. It always made me feel like they didn't trust us…. Hmmmm. Anyway.….

It was my turn to leap over my sister and as I was going over her, she stood up. Yeahhhh, oh what a laugh we had…. Not….. I went down landing awkwardly on my left arm which was stretched out elbow locked and….. Crack…. Terrible pain and loss of arm movement… gulp. No idea what was wrong with it but no longer could I bend my arm and it hurt…. A LOT. Oh gawd….. So we cobbled up this story about me tripping over the rug and landing funny blah blah. Turns out I had a broken arm just below the elbow.

Now then, about a year ago (some 30 years later to be fair) my sister and I were talking about such accidents and I said oh do you remember when….. And she swore blind I had tripped over the rug. She thought I was crazy to be saying we had been playing leap frog and she had absolutely no recollection of such a thing. Made me feel like I was the crazy one. That I'd made the leap frog up as some kind of reason about how I couldn't possibly have just tripped over a rug. Her view was I'd been a clumsy child (erm no) and things like that always used to happen to me (erm no??? Just the once?).

Interesting huh?

So on Friday, having a giggle with Colbeh about how I lost my virginity with him at the age of 39.…. (yes I know the various web sites I am on all have a different age on them, shrug). I was aware not so much that I'd rewritten history, but rather, that I laid a blanket over it. Pushed it far away, made it meaningless and misty. Kind of dipped in mud, a grey/brown coloured none event. That I had very vague memories of other men that I'd had sex with, would indeed rather have never had sex with any other men ever…. Well except of course that it was handy I knew a thing or two when I met Colbeh.

I have to hold my hand up and say, in my approach to life I am a bit of a perfectionist. (Except on diet, let's just leave that to one side). So I do freely admit at a certain point (about 3 months before I left my ex husband), I decided I wanted to know everything there was to know about sex, and I wanted to be the best at sex ever….. I wanted information, techniques, advice, (gay sites are great places to go if you want to learn about what men like). I read, talked to friends, talked to strangers (albeit on chat rooms), surfed the net, and erm…. Experimented…. And erm…. Had sex with a considerable number of people…… Mmmm yes mostly men but the occasional woman, on a ratio of about 2%.

You have to admit there are advantages to that. It does mean that I knew A LOT about sex. Knew how to please men, knew how to adapt to different partners, had some good tricks up my sleeve and knew, what I wanted. Failed to find what I wanted but hey… a girl has to search. And it has to be said I searched long and hard….

Then I met Colbeh and had to throw out all my experience to date and start again. A sexual relationship with a power exchange dynamic, where the man has control, was a horse of a very different colour to me.

So I'm glad I experienced what I experienced, that I had sex with (cough) several (mutters a vague number) men. OK OK so it was up there in erm…. 2 or maybe 3 figures…. No really surely not? Just three I seem to remember. And to be fair of those three that are memorable only one counts (Colbeh) and neither of the other two were my ex partners….. Sniggers and hopes ex partners are reading this. Does that make 5 then? Hey who is counting? So what…. What does it matter?

What it does mean, is that I really truly know…. How very special my relationship with Colbeh is.

So there.

There is no need to rewrite history. In my book, we need to remember the lessons we learn. Take from the bad what can be the good. Why rewrite?

Just doesn't seem right though, that any other man had sex with me, ever….. Shudder. My body rejects that thought, even if my brain isn't willing to rewrite history for me. Stubborn brain.


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