Posted by x_Lexie_x on Wed 11 Mar 09, 5:37 PM to x_Lexie_x's blog.
I don't think I've ever felt as disgusted with myself as I do today. I've always struggled with my weight and I've always been unhappy about it but I suppose I've always been in denial too.
Five and a half years ago I lost 4st 2lbs and I felt fantastic. I had random people coming over to me at my kids primary school telling me that I was doing well and that I looked good. I was eating sensibly and exercising, albeit to a workout DVD but it worked. At Christmas that year I decided that I was going to have a 'little break' over the school Christmas holidays and if I wanted some chocolate or biscuits etc then I was going to have it. I'd easily lost 4 stone in four months and so could just get back on my diet in the New Year.
Only it wasn't that easy. I don't know what happened but I just never got back into it and gradually I started to gain weight.
Over the years I've tried numerous times to lose weight and I manage to get a stone off me and then it all goes tits up again. I know that you need to eat to lose weight and that you need to change your lifestyle but over the years I've done some stupid things in order to shift the weight. I've starved myself, cutting an apple into quarters and eating just one quarter per meal, I've stuck my fingers down my throat, I've tried speed to suppress my appetite but all that's done is made my body panic and store fat and so as soon as I've started to eat again I just gained more weight.
Stupid? Yes of course but in my mind the less I eat then the better I feel.. For a while at least.
The annoying thing is, I know I don't overeat; I just eat all the wrong things. You see all these programmes on TV about big people wanting to lose weight and they show you what they typically eat in a day. I think to myself 'fuck, what they eat in a day I'd eat in three days'. I don't sit there eating loads of takeaways and I cook decent meals for the family with fresh veg but my problem is snacking. I eat if I'm bored especially in the evenings which really isn't a good time to be pigging out.
A few years ago I started walking with my sister. We'd meet three times a week and catch up on all the gossip and walk through our local park. I enjoyed that, especially in the Spring, but almost two years ago now my right ankle became swollen and painful. I had blood tests and an X –ray but they couldn't find anything wrong so I left it. It's not as bad as it used to be but to this day it still plays me up. I can't do the walking with my sister now because after a short while I end up limping and it swells again. Today it dawned on me that it's probably down to my weight. Why didn't I realise this before?
Today I also weighed myself and at first I laughed. Not because I thought it was funny but because I didn't know how else to react. I was shocked and sickened to discover that I weigh the same as I did before I lost that 4 stone all those years ago. Now since that horrible realisation from earlier I have sat here in floods of tears wondering why the hell I've not seen what other people really see when they look at me. I feel disgusting and I hate myself. I know I need to get back on track and do something about it but what worries me is that I know I'll end up doing exactly the same as before. I'll end up starving myself. Yeah okay, the weight will come off but it won't stay off. I know all that but I can't seem to focus and think any other way. If I were to go to my GP then I know for a fact that he'll just throw a diet sheet at me and tell me to get on with it.
The longer I can go without food and the longer I can go on ignoring the hunger pains then mentally the happier I feel; though physically I end up feeling like shit. I need to change my way of thinking, I need to do this properly but I just don't know how.
| 11 Mar 09, 5:44 PM doctorgas UK, 5 yrs   |
YHM. Don't hate yourself. Going without food completely isn't a great idea - your body goes in to starvation mode. Three healthy, portion-controlled meals a day with appropriate snacks if you do get peckish. There are a gazillion and one diets out there and most people can find one that works for them. Several of my friends have had success with Paul McKenna's book "I Can Make You Thin". Edited 11 Mar 09, 5:46 PM by doctorgas | |
| 11 Mar 09, 5:51 PM xxIvyxx UK, 5 yrs £ |
I used to be a lot bigger than I am and I lost wait using the Paul Mckenna 'I can make you thin', books and also cds. It helped me lose almost 2 stone in just a few months. Then I stopped listening to the cd and reading the book and the weight creeped up a little bit but not too much. I Used to snack loads, I still eat a lot and I know what you mean about eating from bordom but if you follow some excersises and techniques he teaches you how to define emotional hunger with acctual hunger which helps. I still eat lots because i love my food but make sure I do excersise as well, and although I occasionally eat from bordom I try to not do it too often, and by listening to the cds it helps stop you from doing that. He also teaches you not to hate yourself as it will make you eat more because it encourages emotional hunger. It worked for me because I cant do diets I like eating what I want and his main rules are eat what you want, as much as you want as often as you want as long as you truely enjoy it. Which means defineing hunger from emotional hunger Hope this Helps. x xEmilyx Edited 11 Mar 09, 5:52 PM by xxIvyxx | |
| 11 Mar 09, 5:52 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
Well you have started. Because you are being very honest with yourself. And that really is a very significant thing in itself. The key with all this (look I know I don't know you from Adam and it is kind of none of my business, but you did post on here and as it happens I do think I know what I am talking about, and my wanting to reply to you has a lot to do with how honest you are) The key with all this is how you feel about yourself. Ok I know you may have heard that before but it is still true. There is something very combative about the way you talk to yourself about your weight. It is as thpugh one part of you is saying 'fuck it I can be fat if i want to and ther's bugger all you can do about it nah nah nah' And then you reply to yourself 'no you bloody can't be fat it's disgusting how dare you.' Well that game could go on all your life. You need to find some real compassion for yourself, which means gigging deep into what all this is about. That of course I do not know. But pain just screams out at me. It is as though you are living out your supressed emotional trauma on the battlefield of your body. If this makes any sort of intuitive sense to you I would go with it and think about a therapist. Some are total tosspots, some are brilliant. But I think this is all about your feelings, not directly about your body. Hope you don't mind me saying all this. It's what I tend to do. Good luck. | |
| 11 Mar 09, 5:54 PM LibidinousQuean 4 yrs |
Firstly *hugs* no-one should feel this bad ever. Secondly, could you find a friend to help you? Y'know, someone with similar goals to you? Who could maybe support you, going though the same thing? And maybe try swimming as exercise, because it's pretty much impact free, and there's the promise of a nice sauna afterwards? b. xx The impression of keen whips i wear as rubies... | |
| 11 Mar 09, 6:02 PM stormywaters PT, 4 yrs |
Yes, excellent idea. You need to find a way to make all this positive, about restoring something loved and beautiful, not about shame or punishing anything (your body) or anyone (you). Ok, I'll shut up now. (Maybe) | |
| 11 Mar 09, 6:20 PM Bronte 8 yrs |
me and my house mate have started at the gym, 2 hour sessions about 3 times a week.
We try and stick to it, i go alone at times, as does she.
Admittedly it isnt fun at first, infact i hate it as im a size 16 (18 arse atm) and the way they look at you would make anyone run and hide, but i am there for a reason, i have a goal to work towards, which makes me work harder. I admit it openly, to myself i am discusted with the way i look, i hate trying to dress up, i look stupid and fat. But i am sorting it. Starving yourself will not work, it send your body into shock and every time you do eat a bit of something, it will store it up as fat. I got told to only eat when i am hungry and not a large amount, just enough to stop feeling the hunger. so am trying that out, but really, work at it, get into a routine and it will become easier. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PLEASE DO NOT PARK INFRONT OF THIS SIGN!!!! stooopid people!! i throw my shoe at you!!!!!!! grrr. | |
| 11 Mar 09, 6:23 PM chatterbox UK(SL), 5 yrs |
Hi I know exactly how you feel , I have been watching my weight gain month on month for the last year and saying I must do something about it. Today i am back to the weight I was when a 30 years old and had my Son .. .so there was nexcuse for it . I have always been a ideal weight until after having my Son .I have struggled with my weight since. I mananged to get down to 10 stone which is a great weight for me but as of today I am 11st 11 !!! ahhhh I am like you I dont over eat I just totally eat the wrong things .. oh to have someone that can set my meals and present them to me rather than me guessing what I need to eat as all that happens is I starve myself to a point of fainting I feel angry with myself that I have let it get this far and now I know I relly need to sort it out . So if you fancy meeting up for a chat ... and a glass of water drop me a line. Chatterbox :- One who chats or talks to excess Well life would be boring if you didnt | |
| 11 Mar 09, 6:23 PM Curious_Sub UK, 5 yrs |
Hi LexieLou, Don't hate yourself, Mistress and myself saw you at ST's and we thought that you looked great. Best Wishes George (Curious_Sub) | |
| 11 Mar 09, 6:27 PM HobGothlin 5 yrs |
I would imagine most blokes would see how feminine and good looking you really are, with all the right womanly curves in all the right places. And the key word is 'imagine' here because I suspect you're having one of those down days and letting those negative thoughts 'imagine' all sorts of daft things which really aren't true.
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| 11 Mar 09, 7:10 PM Mr_Brightside UK(NN), 4 yrs |
Hiya, I would offer to be your gym buddy but I see you're unfortunately too far away, I've had to be self motivated so I'm kind of hoping I can offer something, if not then sorry for wasting your time. Over the last few years my weight has varied between 12 stone 5ish (which to me was too light for my height), right up to 17 stone 12 in November 2008, ideally I'm happy around the 15 and a half stone area and I should be back to that level by around May. I felt so unbelievably demoralised when I saw how heavy and fat I'd become that it took me a while to face getting back to the gym, feeling hyper paranoid when I first got back to doing cardio again but you soon realise no-ones watching, sure the 1st couple of weeks were really hard, and very boring, but after that the routine just seems to fall back into place. I dont wish to sound rude or speak out of place, but losing 4 stone in 4 months sounds like too much too quickly, and try not to skip breakfast, even if you never eat it, and never feel hungry in the mornings, try if you can to start eating something when you first get up, it'll kick start your metabolism for the day, and I actually eat 5 or 6 smaller meals a day rather than 2 or 3 larger ones, never starving myself, and never going hungry, but the smaller meals are far more easily digested.
I hope some of that helps, and do keep your chin up |
